by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
“This is a great day for the great state of Alaska!” said Marjoram Ramalambomar, her enthusiasm so grate that her statement bullied its way into the lede paragraph of the article, even though that goes against rule 27 in the Emily Post Guide to Good Grooming and Journalism.
“The war on donuts, which has cost this great country so much, may finally be coming to and end. And, that’s gre – really, really good!” she said, biting into a cheese and chives cruller in front of cheering supporters who had packed the Lenny Bruwillfeldlinight High School gymnasium fuller than somebody who had just finished a box of donut holes. That’s 40 holes, almost as many as it takes to fill the Albert Hall. That’s full.
Ramalambomar, a member of Citizens for Dessert Sanity (Not to Mention Tastiness) was referring to Proposition 91?, which legalized the sale of donuts in Alaska. The non-profit organization was bankrolled by billionaire philanthropist George Sorobororos for no particular reason. Nope. None at all, really.
“This is a new front in the war on donuts,” stated Speaker of the House John Boehnanbachblisscrap. “A front that must be turned back! We shall fight them in the legislatures. We shall fight them on the op-ed pages. We shall never surrender.”
When somebody pointed out that this would undermine state rights, which the modern Reduhblican Party has sworn fealty to, Boehnanbachblisscrap blanched. “Oh, well, ah,” he puffed, ” there might be a little surrendering on that point. Hardly any surrendering so’s anybody would notice, but still. I, umm, will have to talk to…yeah.”
“I just got this handed to me in the midterm elections,” President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush, holding something round and soft that looked suspiciously like his ass, commented on the situation. “So, I think it’s for the best if I not wade into this issue at this time.” Looking at what he was holding, he added: “This should make wiping easier…”
Although its people tend to hold conservative values, a freedom loving, individualistic, “leggo my Eggo” attitude is widespread in Alaska, as anybody who has seen Northern Exposure can attest. It was this attitude that led to the victory for the pro-donut forces in the state, not least because of the widespread fear that the war on donuts would be expanded to sweet breakfast foods like the popular waffles.
When informed of the results of the vote, sort of kind of now you see her, now you don’t former Alaska Governor Sarah Palmalcoulschlafin was at a loss for folksiness. “Are they mental?” the woman known as the momma woodchuck for her ability to gnaw her way into public consciousness, blurted.
Then, she composed herself. “Repealing this law will be as easy as shooting grizzlies out of a helicopter!” Palmalcoulschlafin folksied. So, it will be unfair and inhumane, and do lasting damage to the environment? “Oh, Francis!” Palmalcoulschlafin smiled. “You’re so media elitey!”
“Ten years ago, that could have been Canada,” said Prime Minister Stephen Harpomurlever. “Phew! We sure dodged a sugar-coated bullet there!”
When asked how this would affect Vesampuccerian/Canadian cooperation in the war on donuts, Harpomurlever said that he would happily work with the Reduhblicans in Congress to undermine the stated will of the Alaskan people. “For their own good, of course,” he chuckled.
“Will children be able to snort donut holes they bought from their corner MultiMaxiMegaMart?” mused television evangelist Murray Eddie Klingrobhagostham. “Will parents watch helplessly as the fruits of their loins descend into donut induced obesity, perversity and madness? As Corinthian Leathers 2:13 truly says: ‘Suffer not the small children…other than scoring cheap political points from said suffering for ever and ever. Amen.’
“I blame the permissiveness of the 1960s, even if I wasn’t, you know, strictly speaking, alive at the time.”
Blissfully ignoring the broader political issues, the Alaskan organizers of Prop 91? threw a powdered party to celebrate their victory. “What adults indulge in in the privacy of their own, uhh, high school gymnasiums is their own business!” Ramalambomar said to a wildly cheering throng. A cheer that lasted 17 minutes.
They were obviously in the throes of a sugar rush. But, who could blame them?