by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Court Writer
Reggie Valuvotard suspected something was amiss when the family cat Sparks (who serves as a radio operator in times of war) pole danced on a leg of the dinner table. “He had always been more of a mambo guy,” Valuvotard stated. “My wife and I had to shade the eyes of the children. They’re only 19, 18 and 19 again! They could have been scarred for life (plus 20 years in some states)! How could something like this happen?”
Something like this could happen because the family’s Home Universe GeneratorTM was hacked by Spoznetzov, and they are idiots.
“We are not idiots! We are professionals!” protested anonymous Spoznetzov spokesperson Sergei Farkenov.
Professional idiots, then.
“Is much better, yes.”
Spoznetzov (which, so loosely translated it could be a t-shirt for an elephant, means “band of bothers”) is a hacker group based in Nizhniy Novgorod (from which the phrase, “Those rotten bastards are up to Nizhniy Novgorod!” probably isn’t derived), Russia. Cyber-security company eWarm&Fuzzy Inc. (formerly Yoyodyne Industries) estimates that as much as 45% (almost one third) of hacker invasions of American computers are instigated by Russians.
“So, you’re saying Russians were responsible for my radio playing ‘Stairway to Heaven’ for seven straight weeks?” Valuvotard interrupted.
“Nyet,” Farkenov responded. “That was just bad choice of station.”
On the other hand, Spoznetzov was probably responsible for images burnt into the Valuvotard family’s toast in the shape of Vladimir Lenin, Joseph Stalin and, for some reason, Marty Feldman.
“It is eyes,” Farkenov explained, pointing to his own orbs. “Eyes of Marty Feldman always crack me upside head!”
The Google Multiverse search engineTM, which helps people find various realities through their Home Universe GeneratorTMs, is not encrypted, interred or otherwise buried under layers of security, leaving the device open to attacks by unscrupulous black-hat coders (so called because fashion gurus agree that black goes with every evil activity). Once they have access to a Home Universe GeneratorTM, hackers can use that to take control of any appliances that are networked in a home’s (apparently not so) smart system.
Making your coffee taste like sour lemons. Convincing your fridge to send an order to the grocery store for 1,000 pounds of broccoli. Programming your bed’s massage unit to operate on “pummel” at random points early in the morning. Taking control of your rmechanical pet and turning it into Fifi at the Palais Royale. These are just some of the things Spoznetzov has been accused of doing.
“Is diabolical, no?” Farkenov gloated.
Well, no. It’s sub-frat boy antics. “Yeah, them there Spoznetzov fellers are mighty smart coders,” said Anton Antionides, President of eWarm&Fuzzy Inc., “but they ain’t got nothin’ goin’ on otherwise. Seems t’me the fact that th’only thing on store shelves in that there Nizhniy Novgorod place is Vodka may’ve turned all them boys brains ta poi paste!”
“Is not truth!” Farkenov argued. “Spoznetzov is responsible for sophisticated denial of service attacks on American Home Universe GeneratorTMs!”
Yeah. About that. The hackers shut owners out of their machines unless they pay a ransom. Because a large ransom would cause people to complain to the police, the sum is usually small enough to be an annoyance people would rather just pay off and forget about; like discount salami salesmen, hackers make a lot of money through volume. In theory. Unfortunately, Spoznetzov chose a ransom of 350 rubles, which, at current exchange rates, amounts to about five American dollars. That amount doesn’t cover the cost of electricity to keep the hacker group’s servers going.
When you realize this, you can see the attraction of Vodka. It doesn’t help that the median age of Russian hackers is eight years.
“Median age! Eight is median age!” Farkenov insisted. “I am old man in Spoznetzov – I am almost 11!
Western governments are concerned about the lawlessness that appears to have taken hold in much of Russia, allowing hacker groups to flourish. The American Pentagon, for example, has quietly screamed in the President’s ear that its use of Home Universe GeneratorTMs to simulate war scenarios (known as The Strangelove Initiative) could be compromised if Russian hackers replaced video of nuclear attacks with Pokeman cartoons.
Something like this may already have happened to NORAD, whose views of nuclear attacks that happened in other universes were reported to have been replaced by “Global Thermonuclear War,” a game featured in the film War Games. “It wasn’t even the goddam actual game, either,” commented American General Jack D. Ripper. “It was just a goddam loop of goddam video of the goddam game being played in the goddam movie!” Whoa. Could the comment have been more blasphemous? “Are you goddam kidding me? I haven’t even had my goddam morning coffee, yet, goddamit!”
Western governments, and France, have warned Russia that if it doesn’t reign in its hackers, they will take action. Such action will almost undoubtedly include more meetings about what action to take if Russia doesn’t reign in its hackers.
“Trick to wrestling crocodile,” Russian President Vladimir Putin responded to the warning, “is not being afraid to lose limb.” We always thought it was choosing a crocodile that was heavily sedated, but that would likely undermine Putin’s implicit message that he was willing to make sacrifices for the good of the country. Or, that he was rooting for Captain Hook in his battle with Peter Pan. Russian metaphors can be tricky.
“So, uhh, yeah, I’m sure that’s all very important and shit,” Valuvotard asked, “but what am I supposed to do about my little problem?”
“Ah kin sell ya an anti-fungus software package fer yer Home Universe GeneratorTM,” Antionides advised. “Just $79.95 fer the basic package or $129.95 for the Super Deluxe Social Experimental package.”
Valuvotard followed up by asking if maybe the west shouldn’t be so eager to talk former Soviet Socialist Republics into joining NATO, reducing Russia’s sphere of influence and making it feel like it has to sabotage the west’s communications networks in retaliation.
General Ripper looked like he had just swallowed his cigar and his head was about to follow. I could quote his response, but I wouldn’t want to run afoul of the Justice League of Decency. They’re relentless, those people!