There are many questions that are so complex or obscure that they may never be satisfactorily answered. These are generally referred to as “The Great Unanswered Questions of the Universe” or “The Things That Mankind Was Never Meant to Know.”
The following reader survey does not contain any of these questions. What would be the point? Consider what you are about to read “The Lesser Questions of the Universe At Which Mankind Might Make an Inspired Guess.” As usual, they are here for your answering pleasure, but, please, whatever you do, DO NOT RETURN THE SURVEY TO THIS PUBLICATION. The last time we tried to process the answers to a survey like this, our computers were down for weeks.
1) What’s in a name?
a) a lot of letters
b) eight essential vitamins and iron
c) everything. Naming something is knowing it. Really.
d) nothing, really, but I like mine anyway
2) What does “Ist eich mindos twoay adorable” mean?
a) “Get your plane off my runway!” in Arabic
b) “What do those British want now?” in French
c) “Who is old enough to make Premier today?” in Russian
d) nothing in classical Urdu or Esperanto
3) Would I lie to you?
a) are you kidding? You can’t even keep your hair colour straight!
b) I don’t know – are you Milton Friedman?
c) yes. You’ve been a pathological liar since the age of 12, when you finally realized that man, by definition, is not perfectible, the universe is basically hostile and Snoopy dolls cause cancer in laboratory rats
d) other
4) Who was Henry VIII?
a) a king who knew how to get rid of a woman’s headache
b) lead singer of Herman’s Hermits
c) a maker of fine furniture for over 40 years
5) Alright, what’s your problem?
a) toilet training at too early an age
b) toilet training at too late an age
c) shoes soiled by an illegally parked dog
d) too much caffeine – Robert Young is never around when you need him!
e) the doctor won’t tell me, but he says it’s not contagious by the usual methods
f) I was out walking my Karma last week when it ran off; I haven’t seen it since and, frankly, I’m worried
6) Which came first: plastic drinking cups or Monday Night Football?
a) no
b) x = 3, y = 7, z = – 3/4
c) let’s let history be the judge
7) Do blondes have more fun?
a) more fun than what?
b) no, they just tan easier
c) scientific studies have shown that natural blondes do tend to have more fun, although bleached blondes have more sex and dirty blondes have more clothes
8) Do you think…?
a) yes, sometimes whether I need to or not
b) yes, but only if so instructed
c) no, I order out
d) no! He wouldn’t dare! The castle is too heavily fortified, his troops have been depleted and, as if that weren’t enough, his favourite movie, Attack of the Killer Raddichios, is playing at the Roxy tonight!
9) What is Doc Severinsen’s ERA?
a) I don’t know. Who does he play for?
b) I don’t know. Isn’t this English 101?
c) I don’t know. What instrument does Bill Caudill play?
d) I don’t know! You promised me this was going to be an easy quiz!
10) Of what is the universe made?
a) snips and snails and puppy dogs’ tails
b) a large number of sub-atomic particles with strong gravitic attraction
c) strawberry jello
d) oh, really? I’ve been a physicist for 20 years, and I’ve never heard anything so preposterous in all my life!
e) hey, just last week, I consulted my guru, man, and he assured me that the universe was made of strawberry jello. Maybe his information is a little more up to date than yours, man…
f) I don’t have to sit here and take this!
g) hmmph – call yourself a scientist?
11) Who will save you now?
a) Flash Gordon
b) the Ghostbusters
c) the Labour Relations Board
d) my folks, but only if I agree to clean my room
12) Have you ever turned over the Star Blap machine?
a) I’ve never gotten past 10,000 – I always get zapped by the krytonoids in the third wave
b) I’m not into video games; they promote violence and, anyway, I never seem to get over 1,000
c) yes. Now, the challenge is gone and I sit at home and wait for Super Star Blap to come out
13) What is/are the high five?
a) Britain, France, West Germany, Japan and Canada when the United States insists that they become stronger members of NATO by taking part in the Strategic Defense Initiative
b) the handshake of football players
c) some of the members of Rush and Triumph
14) What ever happened to what’s his name?
a) he went…you know where
b) he’s working for the government (just like everybody else)
c) he became a drug addict, hung around discos, found religion after he saw god, lost his contact lenses after he saw Tina Turner and met an untimely end at the jaws of a horde of vicious, man-eating hamsters from Venus
d) are you sure you really want to know?
15) Yes. What ever happened to what’s his name?
a) he lived happily ever after
b) he became a nameless, faceless cog in the machine
c) he married into a wealthy family, broke his collarbone falling off a horse, wrote 29 self-help books from his wheelchair, won a million in Vegas and met an untimely end at the jaws of a horde of vicious, man-eating hamsters from Venus. Are you satisfied?
16) No. What ever really happened to what’s his name?
a) believe me, nothing interesting. What’s his name wasn’t interesting when you knew what happened to him
b) he owns a Burger Bar franchise in Pedawawa
c) he moved to Brazil, returned, sold his soul to a monolithic multinational corporation for more than he was worth, had several illegitimate children and met an untimely end at the jaws…well, you know how it goes
17) Why are the most delicious foods invariably the most fattening?
a) because there is no justice
b) to teach the human race humility
c) it doesn’t matter – most of us can’t afford them, anyway
d) I don’t know. Now, let me ask you another one: why is our society so obsessed with losing socks?
18) I don’t know. Now, let me ask you another one: when the going gets tough, where do the tough get going?
a) Fort Bragg, Texas
b) the nearest fall-out shelter
c) the nearest John Wayne movie, just to check
d) over there (and about time, too – the tough were really starting to get on my nerves)
e) other
19) What is the sound of one hand clapping?
20) Who’s that girl?
a) that was no girl, that was my attorney
b) Divine (at least, that’s her story)
c) nobody worth worrying about, dear. She’s just an old friend
d) Susan Sarandon. How ’bout that?
