by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
Hospitals across Vesampucceri have seen a rash of – oh, wait, that’s an awkward, possibly offensive way to start this story. Spate? Increase? Whole heaping hatful? Whole heaping hatful. Hospitals across Vesampucceri have seen a whole heaping hatful of cases of bum rashes. And President Ronald McDruhitmumpf is believed to be the cause.
One unintended consequence of McDruhitmumpf’s tariff on Canadian lumber is a steep increase in the price of toilet paper, which caused a run on the product in grocery stores (and if you had the runs, boy were you out of luck!). Faced with empty shelves or toilet paper they couldn’t afford, Vesampuccerians used whatever came to hand. For many, that was leaves.
“Our Foundling Fathers used leaves to wipe their asses,” explained Tennesconsin school marm Marjoram Kefelderhosen. “George Washburningdington wiped his ass with one hand and wrote the Constitution with the other. If leaves were good enough for him, they’re good enough for me!”
Leaving – ahem – setting aside the dubious history in the statement, it must be noted that most early Vesampuccerians knew enough botany to stay away from plants with leaves that could hurt them. Like poison ivy. Today, most Vesampuccerians live in cities and think about nature as “that thing that PBS goes on and on about – one more thing I won’t miss about it when it’s gone,” when they think about nature at all.
Health and Human Disservices Secretary Robert F. Kennebunkedy, Jr. assured people that the increase in ER visits due to ass rash was not something to worry about. “Vesampuccerians are a hardy people who can afford to sit on comfy cushions,” he commented. For those who have wiped their butts into poor shape, he recommended increasing their intake of vitamin A and changing their diet to one focused on pomegranates and raw milk.
Sticking a pin on the dubious assertion that Vesampuccerians can afford to sit on comfy couches (since many are losing their jobs as a result of tariffs and Department of Political Enfeeblement destruction of the government – who thought it would be a good idea to hand Elon Threelonemuskateers a flamethrower? It will take six months and half a million dollars to restore that stage!), RFK Jr.’s advice has had its own unintended consequences: parents forcing their children to overdose on vitamin A, causing serious damage to their livers.
“Vesampuccerians are a hardy people who can afford to get their children the occasional liver transplant when circumstances require,” the HHD Secretary blithely waved away the concern in his signature croak that always sounds like he’s auditioning for the role of death in an amateur theatrical production of The Seventh Seal.
“Yeah, no,” Kefelderhosen, who just lost her teaching job because DOPE shut down the Department of Education, said. “I mean, I love what Kennebunkedy had to say about COVID and vaccines and all that good, good stuff, but not all of us can afford transplants. Not in this economy. Which is Joe Bidenhisbeeswax’ fault. So, no, my husband Clem – who is a car mechanic – will do the surgery on our kitchen table. I just hope the whisky lasts long enough to keep me under for the entire operation…”
“This is insane!” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam shouted so loudly I could still hear her after I muted my phone. “How long will McDruhitmumpf supporters allow themselves to be hurt by his policies before they wise up and rise up against him?”
“Vesampuccerians are a hardy people who can withstand a lot of physical and emotional punishment to hold on to their ideals,” HHD Secretary Kennebunkedy smirked, which sounded like the smug backfiring of a car that lived down to newly eliminated Environmental Destruction Agency standards. “Our government hasn’t approached the level of pain that would disaffect most of our supporters yet. We’re nowhere near it, in fact. So, buckle up. This is going to be a bumpy ride!”
As if to prove his point, Kefelderhosen bumped her knee on a side table on her way to the bathroom, where she enthusiastically threw up, mostly in the toilet. When she returned to the kitchen, where her husband Clem had almost finishing cleaning her blood off the table, she weakly smiled and said, “I have a fever of 102. It’s a fever for – *COUGH!* – free dumb in the greatest – *HACK!* *WHEEZE!* – country the world has ever known!”
After a coughing fit that lasted seven minutes, she turned to her husband and said, “Hon, we’re out of toilet leaves. Could you go to the forest when you’re done and get some…?”