1) Parents in Georgia (the American flavour) have objected to their children being taught mindfulness techniques associated with yoga. Why?
a) those techniques are the gateway to Buddhism; they will inevitably lead to children shaving their heads, renouncing the eating of meat, opposing gun violence and other anti-Christian behaviour, and Lord knows we can’t have that!
b) those techniques are the gateway to Buddhism; they will inevitably lead to children being oppressed by the Chinese government, and what parent wants to deal with that on top of the poor grades and raging hormones?
c) if they really do become mindful, they won’t vote for Ivanka Trump when it’s her turn to run for President
2) A Seattle resident climbed to the top of a tree and stayed there for over 24 hours while police and reporters lingered below. The man claimed to have a knife, prompting police to issue a statement which read, in part, “Due to his violent behaviour and threats, and the man’s precarious position high above the ground, police are taking extreme caution to ensure the safety of everyone involved.” He eventually came down peacefully. What lesson can we learn from this?
a) our ape ancestors made a mistake coming down out of the trees, but we’re kind of committed at this point
b) it pays to be white (if the man had been black, police would have reduced the tree to shavings to get at him!)
c) some people will do anything to get away from Seattle
3) What is Georgia (the American flavour) governor Nathan Deal’s best response to the fact that many major corporations, including Time Warner, Paramount, AMC, Microsoft, Intel, Coca Cola and Delta Airlines, are threatening to limit their business dealings with the state if he doesn’t veto a bill that would allow citizens to discriminate against gays if their religion says they should?
a) “They’re a bunch of godless heathens who are going to hell if they aren’t there already, which makes them people we shouldn’t be doing business with anyway, so no great loss!”
b) “Umm, yeah, all people are created equal – I think that’s written in the Book of Revelations somewhere – so, uhh, let me see what I can do to change this – gulp – unjust law…”
c) “Have you ever been to the Georgia of the Asian flavour? If you had, you’d know that, even with this law, gays in this state should be grateful for what they have!”
4) Chagrined that the country has become the international face of corrupt banking practices, Panama has been hitting back with a social media campaign that highlights the country’s positive aspects. Which of the following hashtags is the least likely to improve Panama’s international reputation?
a) #notascorruptasnorthkorea
b) #notasuglyasuzbekhistan
c) #notassmugascanada
d) other
5) Match the statement with the person who said it and the scandal/crisis they said it in reference to:
a) “We all follow the rules exactly.”
b) “We’re very confident that we followed our rules.”
c) “No one has taken the stand to say I didn’t follow the rules.”
i) Senator Mike Duffy
ii) Liberal Economic Development Minister Brad Duguid
iii) an unnamed Louisiana Republican Party official
1) Donald Trump’s complaint that even though he won the Louisiana primary, he may get fewer delegates from the state at the Republican convention than Ted Cruz
2) his trial for fraud, breach of trust and bribery while he was in the Senate
3) the revelation that senior cabinet members have party fundraising targets to meet
6) Two people were arrested after a dispute over crab legs at a Connecticut restaurant became violent. Although the restaurant has not been named by authorities, there are rumours that it is planning to use the event in a new promotional campaign. What would the best tag line for such an ad campaign be?
a) “Crab legs so good, you’ll go into a murderous rage to get the last one! But, uhh, please don’t…”
b) “Girls, don’t you wish you had legs men would kill for?”
c) “Judge Glompers sez: ‘Not getting the last crab leg at [unnamed restaurant] is the best justification for murder I’ve ever heard!”
7) Hello! magazine ran an interview with George Clooney which he denies ever giving. The magazine defended itself by saying that it had bought the interview from an agency in good faith. Still, what should have given away the fact that the interview was fake?
a) Clooney revealed that he had only just ended an affair with Betty White
b) Clooney argued that Donald Trump had been getting a raw deal from the press
c) Clooney defended nipples on Batman’s armour
d) other
8) Why did the Saudi Arabian government postpone a celebration of its culture planned for Ottawa?
a) Saudi officials realized that for a “charm offensive” to work, you have to be more charming than offensive
b) Saudi officials realized that beheading thieves in a town square was not a cultural value that Canadians shared
c) with oil prices so low, they could only afford to transport 237 performers, diplomats and Royal Family members to Canada and house them here for a week, and that’s not much of a party, so what’s the point?
9) Explaining why she never disclosed that she was collecting money from the Liberal Party at the same time as she was collecting a salary as the premier of British Columbia, Christy Clark stated, “I would have happily disclosed it last year if you had asked me.” Since “psychic” is now an important part of the job description of BC reporters, what should they ask her in her next press conference?
a) “Do you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried?”
b) “Have you ever robbed a bank?”
c) “Will I ever find a good man to fall in love and spend the rest of my life with (so I don’t have to do this shit any more)?”
10) Match the quote about the willingness of a politician to be Donald Trump’s running mate with the person who said it and the politician’s actual position.
a) “Never. No chance.”
b) “Hahahahahahahahaha”
c) “[He] has a visceral negative reaction to Trump’s character.”
d) “That’s like buying a ticket on the Titanic.”
i) Senator Lindsey Graham
ii) Chris Schrimpf, spokesperson for Governor John Kasich
iii) Sally Bradshaw, senior adviser to Jeb Bush
iv) Ed Goeas, longtime adviser to Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker
I) “I would be flattered to be asked to be a heartbeat away from the presidency no matter who was doing the asking.”
II) “If it was a serious offer, I suppose I would have to seriously consider it…”
III) “Are you all insane? Nothing about the man makes sense – from his foreign policies to his hair! He is going to destroy the Republican Party, and probably take the country down with him! You may as well just hand the Presidency to Hillary Clinton! Yes, yes the situation with Trump is that extreme! Frankly, I’d rather take my government pension and watch the country collapse from Venezuela!”
IV) “Let me check my calendar…”
11) A letter writer to the Toronto Star complained that it was unfair of the Liberal government to spend more than $1 billion to aid refugees when it was only committed to matching funds spent by the Red Cross in disaster relief for Fort McMurray. Who is this most unfair to?
a) the Liberals, who actually intended to match Red Cross funds on top of other direct aid to the city
b) the residents of Fort McMurray, who watched as aid to them in their time of need became a political football
c) Franz Geronimoa, an Alberta political cartoonist who is tearing his (already thinning) hair out trying to find a way to make such heartless political posturing funny
12) Match the following absurd statement with the politician who made it:
a) “You know what really gets me, as a Christian, is to see the ongoing attacks on Judeo-Christian beliefs, and then some senseless crazy act of terror like this [the massacre in Aurora, Colorado] takes place… We’ve threatened high school graduation participations, if they use God’s name, they’re going to be jailed… I mean that kind of stuff. Where was God? What have we done with God? We don’t want him around. I kind of like his protective hand being present.”
b) “This administration has so many Muslim Brotherhood members that have influence that they just are making wrong decisions for America.”
c) “So when [caribou] want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline… So my real concern now [is] if oil stops running through the pipeline… do we need a study to see how adversely the caribou would be affected if that warm oil ever quit flowing?”
i) Republican Representative Louis Gohmert of Texas
ii) Texas Representative Louis Gohmert (a Republican)
iii) Texas Republican Louis Gohmert, a member of the House of Representatives
13) How does Gohmert keep getting elected?
a) he campaigns from the sane, but governs from the nutcase
b) he’s a compassionate caribouvative
c) forget it, Jake, it’s Texastown
14) Donald Trump, who has repeatedly promised to release his tax returns to the public, has announced that he will not be releasing his tax returns to the public. Why not? “There’s nothing to learn from them.” What does Trump consider “nothing?”
a) his bankruptcies
b) his tax avoidance strategies
c) a campaign promise
15) Having won one court case for sexual assault and settled a second, former CBC radio host Jian Ghomeshi looks set to get a second act for his life. What might that entail?
a) wearing shoes with long, curly toes and a hat with bells and trying to stay out of the way of important people so that you aren’t beheaded
b) writing a novel, of course
c) in this context, referring to acts, second or otherwise, seems like a dicey proposition…
16) A man identified as Canadian woke up naked in a stranger’s home in upstate New York. How did police know that the man was Canadian?
a) his penis wore a toque
b) when a police officer asked him what he was doing in the house, he responded, “Eh?”
c) he told them he was Canadian. They didn’t even have to ask. Imagine that!
17) House Republicans are planning a $23 billion food stamp cut that would take food assistance away from unemployed workers who are in school or job training programs. How do compassionate conservatives justify this move?
a) we’re helping them keep their weight down as they move up the social ladder
b) higher incomes just bring greater emotional problems; we’re discouraging them from bettering themselves to spare them that heartache
c) does anybody really believe that American conservatives are compassionate any more? Really?
18) The Rolling Stones have issued a statement asking Donald Trump not to play “Start Me Up” at his rallies, as he has done in the past. What should he play?
a) “Paint it Black” (to show he has a sense of humour about immigration)
b) “2,000 Light Years From Home” (to show how far refugees would have to travel before being allowed into his America)
c) “19th Nervous Breakdown” (he could dedicate it to the Stones themselves)
19) Why would a company (which I refuse to name, although it rhymes with Schmomschmardier) ask the federal government for $1 billion in aid when it is years behind supplying streetcars for the city of Toronto?
a) the CEO has a wicked sense of humour
b) the CEO has a wicked sense of irony
c) the CEO is simply wicked
20) On May 2, Canada’s only sex reassignment surgery clinic was attacked by a man armed with a machete, axe and gas can, who set fire to the operating room. The attack caused an estimated $700,000 worth of damage and forced the clinic to temporarily shut down. Why wasn’t this reported more prominently in the mainstream news (which, in most cases, means at all)?
a) why would it be? It’s not like Caitlyn Jenner was involved…
b) why would it be? It’s not like straight children going to the bathroom were involved…
c) Prime Minister Justin Trudeau elbowed somebody in Parliament, and the column inches just filled themselves!