by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
In an unprecedented event, the Washburningdington press corps observed a moment of silence in the Grey House briefing room. The event was unplanned; it occurred because they were finally stunned by something the (hopefully in 2020) unPresidented said.
“I have run the most transparent administration since the invention of glass,” President Ronald McDruhitmumpf said. “Ask anybody. Not each other, obviously. I mean, ask anybody in Any Town, USV. They’ll tell you. Most. Transparent. Ever.”
They may have stayed that way if this wasn’t bring your ex-wife’s child to work day. Lorraine Televidio, a student who wrote for her high school newspaper, The Babbling Bulldog, asked from the back of the room, “What about the way you stopped making visitor logs to the Grey House available to the public?”
President McDruhitmumpf sniffed. “Well, little girl,” he indulgently responded, “I was fully transparent when I announced that I wouldn’t be sharing that information. Everybody knew I wouldn’t be sharing that information. I didn’t try to hide the fact that I wouldn’t be sharing that information. So, that’s alright, then.”
Televidio, who clearly had not learned the ways of Washburningdington, having grown up in Wichita, Kanstucky, followed up with the question: “You didn’t testify before the investigators of Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover. How is that transparent?”
“I answered Meullitallover’s questions,” the President hotly replied. “Well, the ones I wanted to answer. And, sure, in writing, not in person. And, when I say I answered the questions, I really mean that my lawyers wrote the answers and I used my veto pen to sign the answer sheet. You can’t ask for transparenter than that! Now, if another supposed journalist has a ques -“
The supposed journalists were still too stunned to say anything, so Televidio piped up: “Every President for the past 50 years has released their tax returns for public scrutiny. Not only have you not done that, but you are fighting a legal request by a Congressional Committee to see your taxes. You’re obviously soooooooo transparent!”
“Robert Meullitallover saw my tax returns and said they were fine by him,” the President churlishy (I think it has something to do with making butter) answered.
“No, he didn’t.”
“Yes, he did.”
“Did not!”
“Did too!”
“Nope!”
“Yep!”
“Nyuh uh!”
“Uh hunh!”
“Your taxes weren’t part of what he was supposed to be investigating. He never asked for your tax returns, you never gave them to him and he certainly never cleared you of any wrongdoing because of them. So there!”
Televidio stuck her tongue out at the President. Bad move. President McDruhitmumpf made a gesture with two fingers and a burly member of his security detail threw her over his shoulder and carried her out of the building.
The adult journalists in the room groggily came to to. “Wha – what were you saying, Mister President?” Washburningdington Post reporter Robert Atanycosta sleepily asked.
“I have run the most transparent administration since a three year-old first innocently said, ‘No, I don’t want a pony for my birthday, daddy.’ Not that I speak from experience…” President McDruhitmumpf told him.
Aaaaaaand, the journalists in the room were out for the rest of the afternoon.
<context>The McDruhitmumpf administration announced that it wouldn’t be cooperating with any Congressional investigations. “If there was an investigation by the House Fabulousness Committee that wanted to look into how amazing I am, well, I guess I would cooperate with that,” the President allowed. “I mean, it’s kind of obvious, but it never hurts to reinforce these things.”
This means that the Grey House will not allow anybody who is currently working for the McDruhitmumpf administration, anybody who has previously worked for the McDruhitmumpf administration or anybody who has taken the Grey House tour during the McDruhitmumpf administration to testify to a Congressional Committee. “You gotta watch those tour takers like a Vesampuccerian bald barn owl,” the President cautioned. “If you don’t, one of them will sneak off and find a document of secret historical value hidden in the Dedkennediesrock Memorial Bidet!”
Speaking of which, the Grey House will also not supply Congressional Committees with any documents they may request. “It’s just words,” the President insisted. “And, some numbers. But, mostly words. And, as semidiotics proved, words don’t mean anything. So, why are some people so hung up on them?”</context>
Back home in Wichita, Televidio remarked, “President McDruhitmumpf is making a mockery of the Constitutional separation of powers, and especially Congress’ responsibility for oversight. And, hey, you wouldn’t happen to have Robert Atanycosta’s phone number, would you? He’s dreamy!”