If the Brothers Grimm wrote their fairy tales today, they might be very different than what we’ve come to know…
Once upon a time (as measured by the Bulova Accutemps, the most accurate timepiece this side of Greenwhich Village) there lived three little pigs.
The first little pig, who lived in the suburb of North Pigtown (North Pigtown: so safe, you’ll beg us to raise your children there), built himself a house out of straw (Finemann and Son Straw Mill — serving the Greater Pigville Area since 1247). His brother warned him that it wasn’t safe (he should have used a Walker 2000 security system. Walker 2000 — better paranoid…than sorry), but the first little pig said he was comfortable where he was and had no intention of relocating (Serendipity Van Lines: whether you’re moving across town or through the popular imagination, think of Serendipity).
The second little pig, who lived in the suburb of outer Pigmalion (we have the lowest corporate vacancy rate in the Greater Pigville Area), built himself a house out of wood (Abitibi Pulp and Paper uses 27% post-consumer, pre-scrap materials in all of its products). His brother warned him that it wasn’t safe (he should have used a Walker 2000 security system. Walker 2000 — better a bunker…than a box), but the second little pig didn’t want to live anywhere else (thinking of financing the purchase of a new home? Come to the Second National Bank of Pigville. We only made $2.7 billion in profits last year — we must have invested the rest…in people just like you).
The third little pig, who lived on a farm in the country (need to get away? Vanishing Point Rail offers 27 different rural get-aways EVERY SINGLE BUSINESS DAY), built himself a house out of brick (Ignatz P. Mouse Brick Works — don’t be thick! Buy brick). The third little pig was very smug.
One day, a wolf appeared on the doorstep of the first little pig (Acme Doormats — please tread on me). “Little pig, little pig let me in!” the wolf shouted (fortunately, this little pig had a Fershlugginer Lock and Chain. Fershlugginer — guaranteed for life, or we’ll assume all your funeral expenses).
The first little pig replied: “Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!” (Unwanted facial hair? Smooth-Away Depilatory Cream can solve all your nasty little relationship problems! Smooth-Away — for a body like sculpted marble.)
So, the wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down (Homer J. Wolf, asthma sufferer, can lead a normal, fulfilling life thanks to Bearotex Inhalers. Bearotex — the breath of life — a product of Tao Chemicals — better living through Pharmaceutical Technologies).
The first little pig fled to his brother’s house (Pigville Bell — don’t wait for a death in the family to stay in touch). The wolf followed (Piggerson Detective Agency — dirty deeds, done mud cheap). He appeared on the doorstep of the second little pig (this Halloween, let the children who appear on your doorstep pig out on Bertelsmann Tofu Chocolates). “Little pig, little pig let me in!” the wolf shouted (need an in in your search for a job? Savannah Headhunters has been matching prospective employees with employers since Adams’ father threw him out of the house and told him to get a job. Savannah Headhunters — you’ll look good on our wall).
The two little pigs replied, “Not by the hair of our chinny chin chin!” (Smooth-Away — for a kissably wissably smooth face.)
So, the wolf huffed and puffed and blew the house down (expecting an emergency? Insure yourself, your loved ones and your most precious valuables with Bregmann, Bettmann and Pigott. BBP — we’ll help you make a silk purse out of your worst sow’s ear).
The two little pigs fled to the home of their brother (Want two — two — two good ideas in one? How about a combination toilet and breakfast nook — think of the convenience! Inventors Anonymous). The wolf followed (are you a sheep in wolf’s clothing? Consider Madame Upyouskya’s Assertiveness Course. If you haven’t found a positive change in your attitudes in three months, we’ll tell you to get lost without refunding a penny! Take Madame Upyouskya’s Assertiveness Course — now!). He appeared on the doorstep of the third little pig (Doorstep. Instep. Step exercises. Makes you think, doesn’t it?). “Little pig, little pig let me in!” he shouted (having trouble getting into the university of your choice? Try the Auschlander Essay Service. AES — we’re not illegal).
The three little pigs replied: “Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!” (Smooth-Away — keep the animal inside you.)
So, the wolf huffed and puffed (Victory Cigarettes — now with 20% less tar, 37% less nicotine and a whole 43% less Other Yucky Chemicals (OYC) — won’t leave you huffing and puffing after every drag), but the brick building was solid and he couldn’t blow it down! (The Flybinite Fund was recently mentioned in an article in The Wall Street Journal, so you know it must be a solid investment. If you’re looking towards your retirement, or if you just want to be filthy rich, look into the Flybinite Fund today!)
THE MOLSON MORAL OF THE STORY: always choose the right product to serve your particular needs.