Oh, Don’t Look At Me Like That – You Know You Want To!
Over the weekend, I attended the first annual SFContario convention. As with all newborns, it was so adorable that you just wanted to pinch its cheek until it stopped gurgling cutely (for some reason, I always forget the 27 minutes of bawling that generally follows the cheek pinching).
Of Course, I’m Talking About The Starship In The Original Series, Not The Next Generation
The hallway to the dealers’ room also led to the hotel pool; it smelled of chlorine. I chose to imagine that it was the smell of ozone from the exhaust of a starship that has just engaged its warp thrusters. We all get in the mood of a con in our own special way.
Or, For That Matter, The Santa Clause Parade
Naughty Or Nice – Maybe I Should Make A List…
Instead of going to SFContario, I could have attended the Everything To Do With Sex Show, which took place on the same weekend. Not…that I would have. I’m just sayin’.
The Ego Has Landed
How well do you know your authors? Question One: Ira Nayman.
Standing in line for registration, a woman said: “You look familiar.” After a second’s appraisal, she added: “Oh. I don’t know you,” and turned back to the person she was talking to. In response, what did I think?
a) I have that kind of face.
b) I have that effect on women.
c) No autograph for you, lady!
d) all of the above
e) none of the above
f) other
The Ego Soars
At my reading on Friday night, I premiered the first chapter of my novel, Welcome to the Multiverse, Sorry for the Inconvenience. There were only three people in the audience, but they applauded with the strength of 12.
Only The Second Fanboy Moment In My Life –
CONS ARE CHANGING ME!
I was supposed to be on a panel with Karl Schroeder at Ad Astra, but he couldn’t make it. I was supposed to be on a panel with Karl Schroeder at Capclave, but he couldn’t make it. This was disappointing on many levels (at least 27, including the basement, the sub-basement and 8 levels of parking), not the least of which was that I wanted to gush about how much I enjoyed reading his novel Lady of Mazes, and I figured it would make more sense if he was there when I did.
Well. I’m setting up at a table in a hallway at SFContario when who should walk by but…yes, yes, it was Karl Schroeder. I stopped him and gushed (see previous paragraph for details). Being supergracious (I know that’s not a word – it should be superspecialgracious), he thanked me for the praise and said that he had to cancel appearances because he had been having health issues for the past couple of years, suggesting that it had something to do with his heart.
Of course, I should have offered him my condolences for his health difficulties. Unfortunately, the tunnel-vision of a gushing fanboy (“Oh, my god, I can’t believe I’m really talking to you! Pardon me if I stare!! Do you mind if I stare? Surely, you must be used to people staring by now!!! I promise, I’ll only stare for a short while!!!! No, I’m not being supercreepy – or even superspecialcreepy – I promise I’ll stop staring real soon!!!!!”) can make one a touch insensitive.
On the other hand, it could have been worse: I could have offered to compare heart surgery scars.
Of Course, It Will Be An Honour Just To Be Nominated…
At a slow point on Saturday afternoon, the talk in the writers’ corner of the dealers’ room turned to the pros and cons of various science fiction awards. I decided then and there that I would devote my life to pursuing the Hugo Award for Best Hat. And, the sweetest thing about winning will be how stiff the competition was…
Image Gallery
Although you may not be able to tell it from the photo, this is the tallest woman I have ever met. Are there blond Na’avi?
YOUR MAJESTY! How kind of you to grace our humble convention with your royal presence!
Ah, the innocent joy on the faces of panel audience members. Then, I started talking…
Where’s Swanwick? Can you spot SFContario’s Guest of Honour? HINT: he’s not wearing a red and white hat. OKAY, ANOTHER HINT: he’s not hiding behind the prominently displayed vampire books.
She sings! She acts! She writes! (Soon, she will be winning awards!) And, as if all of that wasn’t enough, she pulls off a steampunk look with the best of them! Oh, J. M., is there no limit to what you can do?
Putting The “Prompt” Back In “Impromptu”
On a panel on Learning to Write, I explained to the audience that you should see every assignment you get as an opportunity to exercise your creativity, even if the assignment does not appear to call for it. I used the example of the bio I wrote for Sci Fi on the Rock, which was so amusing that when I introduced myself to people at the Newfoundland con, most of them responded, “You’re the bio guy!” I mentioned that, on a smaller scale, I tried to do that with my bio for SFContario.
Well, damned if somebody in the audience didn’t ask Ed Greenwood, a giant in Canadian fantasy, entertaining raconteur and great sport, to read my bio! If I had had an opportunity to direct him, I would have suggested a more modulated performance, but, given the – ahem – variable quality of my own readings, perhaps it’s just as well…
But, Do They Sing?
In addition to SFContario, the hotel hosted something called The Body Electric School. I leave this one to your imagination…
Was That Joke In Poor Taste?
Forget About It!
I finally found an upside to (possibly) having early onset Alzheimer’s. Picture it: a lazy Sunday in the dealers’ room, everybody a little punchy from too much caffeine and too little sleep. A couple of the dealers were trying to one-up each other with jokes about sex with livestock.
I wanted to say: “That’s an image that’s going to stay with me for the rest of my life.” But, maybe not!
Sleep, Now With 72% More Eep!
I slept for 11 hours Sunday night/Monday morning. As far as I’m concerned, SFContario was a huge success!