* BRING BRING *
“Hello, this is -“
“Yeah, I’d like a party sized Hawaiian pizza, extra pineapple and hold the colonialism.”
“Sir, you have the wrong -“
“I know what you’re thinking.”
“I doubt that. You -“
“Pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza. Yeah, I get that all the time. Well, you know what? Make that triple pineapple! That’ll show those fruit on pizza hating bastards!”
“Sir! You can’t order a pizza here!”
“What? My money don’t stink like everybody else’s?”
“No, it’s not – what? I don’t under – never mind. This is the Forge the Parents hotline. We were set up by the Ontario government to allow people to let us know if certain teachers are not using the new-old sex ed curriculum in their classes, as mandated by law.”
“Oh. I see.”
“So, you understand that -“
“I’ll take a single order of pineapple. Just don’t expect a big tip!”
* CLICK *
* BRING BRING *
“Hello, this is -“
“Do you have hot peppers?”
“No.”
“Green peppers?”
“No.”
“Red peppers?”
“No.”
“Hunh! Call yourself a pizza joint?”
“Actually…”
“Double onion?”
“We don’t have single onion!”
“Okay. It’s not good for my breath, anyway. Ham?”
“No.”
“Bacon?”
“No.”
“Pulled pork?”
“No.”
“You’re not one of those kosher pizza places, are you?”
“No! That’s what I’m trying to tell you! This is -“
“Oh, good. I had a kosher pizza once – I spent the night dreaming I was a Rabbi trying to talk Godzilla out of destroying downtown Wawanesa! I tell you, scriptural exegesis is no match for a raging kaiju! I don’t want to ever go through that again!”
“Miss, this is Queen’s Park!”
“Queen’s Park Pizzeria, right?”
“No, Queen’s Park…just Queen’s Park!”
“You’re not a pizzeria?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”
“Then, why have you been trying to sell me a pizza?”
* CLICK *
* BRING BRING *
“Hello. This is -“
“I don’t want a pizza.”
“Oh, thank the Lord! Do you have a complaint about a public school teacher who is not following the sex-ed curric -“
“I’ve just had so much pizza, lately, it’s coming out of my ears. You know what I mean? You wouldn’t believe what my used Q-Tips look like!”
“Okay. But…umm…yuck…”
“Exactly. You know, I used to think that no amount of pizza was too much, but I was younger, more naive, then. Now, I know better. It is possible to have too much of a good thing, even if it is a wonderful concoction of dough, tomato sauce, meat and vegetables!”
“Okay, sir. But -”
“But, you’re probably wondering what the actual purpose of this call is.”
“As a matter of fact…”
“Could I order veal parmigiana with a side of garlic bread?”
“No!”
“I’m sorry?”
“No, you may not order veal parmigiana with a side of garlic bread!”
“I would settle for chicken.”
“You will settle for nothing! Do you hear me‽ You will get parmigiana of no description! Not veal! Not chicken! Not turducken!“
“There is such a thing as turducken parmigia -“
“You will not get fettuccine Alfredo! There will be no ordering of meatball subs! There will be no enjoyment of lasagne – meat or vegetable! Do you want to know why?“
“You’re being a dick?”
“This is not an Italian restaurant!“
“It’s not?”
“No.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“Thank you for -“
“Do you have any Mediterranean food? Any at all?”
* CLICK *
* BRING BRING *
“Hello. This is -“
“How many ways are you willing to divide a pizza?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Only, I’m having a party with fourteen of my closest friends, and none of us can agree on what we want. So, can I get a party pizza divided fifteen ways?”
“I think…I think a pizza can only be divided into an even number of pieces.”
“Oh. So…seventeen, then?”
“Listen, Miss -“
“Who are you calling Miss?”
“I’m sorry – I have a cold. Look, sir, I’m sure you and your friends are having a great laugh at my expense, but this is a serious government initiative. Why are you prank calling the Forge the Parents hotline?”
“Honestly?”
“Yes.”
“In all the time you’ve been talking to callers about pizza, how much time have you devoted to discussing bogus complaints about teachers from uptight parents?”
“Erm…”
“Yeah. Erm. So, can you cut a pizza into fifteen pieces, or what?”