I have seen the future, and it sucks.
Politically, the New Freedom Fighters (formerly the Liberty Federation, nee the Moral Majority – they like to change their name every 10 years or so to keep ahead of their bad press) will be dealt a serious blow when its Presidential candidate claims to have seen god and defects to the Republican Party. In Desperation (a small city in Nevada), Jerry Falwell will personally ask Richard Nixon to run as their candidate, but, without sufficient time to prepare a campaign, he will lose, telling reporters in a press conference afterwards: “You may not have Dick Nixon to kick around any more. We’ll see.”
Meanwhile, Soviet watchers will be baffled by a startling string of events that will see 32 Premiers appointed and dying in office in a period of four and a half years. Surprisingly, the Gorbachevburo (nee the Politburo) will not seem to lose any power during the crisis.
Construction of a tunnel between France and the Province de Nouveau France (nee Quebec) will temporarily be suspended when a drunk is found 10 miles outside of Canada’s territorial waters, claiming to be lost. Rumours that the man is actually an RCMP spy sent to Ottawa to find out if the tunnel signals the Province’s renewed bit for independence will not hold water.
The nation’s boardrooms will become more colourful as middle-aged punk rockers enter the business world as librarians, stock market analysts and advertising account executives. The punks will never be more than moderately successful, however; although they will be able to adapt to office politics easily (mostly by winning through intimidation), they will never be able to reconcile themselves to working with “the younger generation.”
Canada will announce its own version of a space shield to protect the country from nuclear attack: former Ontario Premier William Davis will be sent into space to negotiate with in-coming missiles. Opposition parties will be furious at the announcement, crying political patronage and wringing their hands in a display of political disgust. Then, all 12 opposition Members of Parliament will stalk out of the House of Commons to hold a futile press conference.
Americans will own or control 98 per cent of Canada’s economy, including 97 per cent of Canada’s film, television and book industries. Nonetheless, the Canadian government will still be talking about free trade as a means of boosting the country’s weak economy.
Musically, the millenium will be the year of “barf rock.” Fans will be encouraged to eat extreme amounts of food (12 pizzas, 43 burgers and/or the entire frozen food section of their local grocery store, for example) just before leaving for the concert, and throwing up on each other during the show. Concerned parents will protest against the music, claiming that barf rock contributes to the eating disorders of the young, but Duran Duran Magazine (nee Rolling Stone Magazine, but even they realized that the name was getting old), will tout the music as “the greatest thing to happen to rock since the demise of the Bay City Rollers.” Inexplicably, Frank Zappa will be unavailable for comment.
Hollywood will abandon making new feature films, concentrating, instead, completely on remakes and sequels, according to the Academy of Motion Picture Archivists and Researchers (nee the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences, which, by then, will be a contradiction in terms). The biggest grossing film of the millennial year will be Rocky 11, in which Rocky Balboa, advancing in years, is called out of retirement to fight the biggest battle of his life, against aliens who have already destroyed parts of California and are threatening to destroy the rest of the world if they are not immediately given a personal audience with Brooke Shields. The second biggest grossing film will, of course, be Rambo: Tenth Blood. In this one, Rambo, advancing in years, is called out of retirement to fight the biggest battle of his life, against aliens who have already destroyed parts of Akron, Ohio, and are threatening to destroy the rest of the universe if they are not immediately given a personal audience with the entire cast of Dynasty, also advancing in years.
There will be over 120 television stations available over cable. Of these, approximately one quarter (or 30 stations) will be playing reruns of I Love Lucy at any given hour of the day or night.
Finally, millennialists will be furious that the world hasn’t ended by the end of the year. In a snit, one of them will shout, “Oh, yeah? Think you know it all, do you? Just wait until the next millenium, boy! You won’t be laughing then!” and will set himself on fire.
The more things change, the more they stay the same, the more things get weird.