by CARMINE ROACHE-SPRAID, Alternate Reality News Service Games Writer
It has been 25 years since The Sims was first published. Although I gave it a run for its money (which wasn’t easy trying to play on my desktop computer), I wasn’t the biggest fan; as somebody who preferred first person shooter games, I was disappointed that there were no guns. I mean, alcoholic shooters are fine in their place, but…
Catching up with the 25th anniversary edition of the game was an eye-opener, let me tell you!
All around my sim live sims who have “Ronald McDruhitmumpf for King!” signs on their lawns and Vesampuccerian flags draped over their roofs that could cover half a football field (apparently, competitive flag flaunting is a feature of this iteration of the game). Oooooo-kay. I didn’t remember The Sims as being so political, but I guess it makes sense given the current climate of the country.
My neighbours to the left are Stacey and Roger and their seven children (with an eighth on the way – oh, blessed event! Well, they seem to think so, anyway), Adam, Bartholomew, Claudia, Deborah, Enoch, Gershom and Hagar. My sim has been to parties (well, one, but I did borrow cups of sugar while others were being held) they threw. The men gathered in one room and drank tea and ate dry toast while the women gathered in another room to…do women things. In the men’s room, Roger did most of the talking; although language in The Sims consists of nonsense syllables, his frequent gesticulations towards the large cross on the wall suggested that his social outreach had an ulterior motive.
My neighbours to the right are…not there. The house has been empty since I started playing the game. Every week, a black car pulls into the driveway, somebody jumps out to collect the mail, then they jump back in and drive off. This seems to be, maybe, a property that has been bought as an investment, rather than some place to actually, you know, live?
The bar for my admiration at the verisimilitude of the game just keeps filling!
Across the street from my sim live Raoul and Julia, a couple of Latina sims. They moved into the virtual neighbourhood soon after I did – they’re hoping to start a family. One thing I can say about them is that they sure know how to throw a Superbowl party! The beer and nachos flowed as we watched the action on their big screen TV. (Oddly, I was the only person in the neighbourhood who accepted their invitation; we all celebrate Superbowl Sunday in our own way, I guess.)
I thought Raoul and Julia fit into the neighbourhood quite nicely. So, imagine my sim’s surprise when a half dozen military-style vehicles screeched to a halt and sims in scary looking uniforms, big weapons drawn, marched on the house. Raoul was dragged out by ICES agents, leaving a trail of special characters (what passes for swearing in the game) in his wake as Julia trailed behind, weeping. The whole thing happened so fast, my sim didn’t have time to screen cap any of it.
I could quibble about the depiction of the event: the ICES agents, for example, had outdated uniforms and last year’s guns. But Electronic Arts has assured users that within the next six months they will start to update the game online with the latest, coolest tactical gear.
Oh, a couple of game days later, Julia disappeared and the house was put up for sale. Almost immediately, Abel and Barbara and their four children (they were just starting their family) moved in. They were warmly welcomed by the other families on the street.
When I started playing the latest version of The Sims, I had to choose a profession (the game’s term for “job”). I thought I would give back to the community, so I chose to work at a company called Meow Meow Brown Cow, which knits sweaters for homeless cats and dogs. Big mistake. The McDruhitmumpf administration cut funding for the home soon after I was hired. My sim has been getting notices of mortgage default, increasingly with threats of eviction. I have tried reaching out to Roger and Abel for financial help, but the gibberish language of the game makes it difficult to explain to them what I need.
Yeah. That’s it. The gibberish language is responsible for Roger and Abel not being willing to help me. Sure, it is.
Ordinary sims are not allowed to use weapons; there isn’t even a way to get them in the game. However, despite this oversight, I know where I can get some mods that will allow me to import weapons that I can use.
Maybe I’ll be getting my first person shooter after all…