by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
Running out of leads in the Simon Gree murder case, Los Angeles police detective Lionel “Crooked” Fusco took the unusual step (currently pending approval by the Ministry of Silly Walks) of releasing audio recorded at the time of the murder. The audio climaxed with the following exchange:
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: You didn’t deserve the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, you hack! The only reason Bad Boys 13: Take Off the Diaper So You Can Get Your Ass Whipped won is because you ordered all the other writers to vote for it!
SIMON “PHILLY” GREE: That’s not true! Please, Simon says: think about what you – what are you doing with my Oscar? Put that down! No, wait –
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: I’m striking a blow for good writers everywhere!
SOUND: repeated dull, squishy thuds.
GREE: No, don’t! Stop – don’t! DON’T! Aaaaaargh!
Citizens who recognize the unidentified voice are asked to put off mashing up the audio with their favourite pop song and posting it to YahooTube long enough to let the police know who they think it is.
“Look, I got the nickname ‘Crooked’ cause I was shot in the leg in the line of duty and now I list to one side,” Fusco pointed out. “It was on a raid on a crack den – vicious bastards selling designer mirror knock-offs that turned out to be broken. I thought, maybe, they was gonna call me ‘Titanic’ or ‘Andrea Doria’ or something like that, but the guys in the squad room got no imagination. So, Crooked it is. I just wanted ta make that clear, didn’t want youse to be getting’ the wrong idea, okay?
“Oh, about the case?” Fusco added. “Yeah, I got nothin’.”
At first, the LAPD’s prime suspect was Simon Pegg, whose screenplay for Hot Zombies was also in contention for an Oscar. Having been born in 1970, Pegg was too young to be a member of SimoNation, so he couldn’t have ordered members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences (But, Mostly, Arts) to vote for him. Responding to the allegations, Pegg responded, “Sure, I’m disappointed. But, it’s not like my hopes were high: everybody knows that comedies don’t win Oscars.”
As it happened, Pegg had a perfect alibi: he was promoting Hot Zombies on the Russian Moon base at the time of Gree’s murder. “Yeah, they really love me at Mare Clavius,” Pegg chuckled.
At this time, the LAPD does not believe that another Simon was involved in the murder.
“Oh, it would be very bad if another Simon was involved,” said historian and one time holder of the world’s record for most pencils stuck up a single nostril, Alexander Pollifax. “It could signal the beginning of another Simon Says: War. It’s only been 29 years since the end of the first one. People still remember the devastating consequences.”
For reader’s suffering from Alzheimer’s: once they started reaching adulthood, Baby Boomers named Simon found that they could get people to obey their commands by prefacing them with the phrase, “Simon says…” While most Simons used this power to better their personal lives (ie: getting out of parking tickets, getting pretty women to sleep with them, getting pretty metre maids to sleep with them instead of giving them tickets, etc.), two Simons, Gibbon and Polemicizer, tried to use their power to take political control of the country. The effects of the resulting Second Civil War are still being felt in parts of The Sun Belt, The Rain Belt, The Rust Belt and The Need A Belt.
Could there be any truth to the killer’s assertion that Gree won his Oscar using his Simon powers?
“Ab-so-lute-ly…not,” said Academy President Nathan Filion. “Bad…Boys…13…was…the…best…written…movie…of…the…year.”
When I gently suggested that it sounded as though he had been Simonized, Filion responded, “No. No. No. I…suffer…from…a…condition…known…as…Lazy…Brain. My…thoughts…form…very…very -“
“Slowly?” I suggested.
“Thank…you,” Filion gratefully agreed.
Over lunch at the CAPITAL Pictures commissary, Filion explained that every possible precaution was taken to ensure the security of the Oscar vote. “Every possible precaution” appears to include: a mayonnaise jar, a hardcover copy of Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game and 20 rabid sea turtles.
I asked Filion if he had any idea who might have wanted Gree dead. “Jealousy…is…a…terrible…thing,” he told me. “Throw…a…rock…in…here…and…you’ll…hit…a…writer…who…wanted…to…kill…Gree. And…if…you…do…throw…the…rock…throw…it…”
“To the right?” I suggested.
“No.”
“With a downward spin?”
“No!”
“Left-handed?”
“NO!”
“I’m sorry. I’m trying to anticipate where you’re going to speed things up,” I commented, “but it’s hard.”
“Exactly!” Filion responded. I decided to leave it at that.
One question that might have relevance to the case is: why didn’t Gree’s power save him?
“Ain’t it obvious?” Fusco scoffed. “He didn’t say, ‘Simon says…'”
The investigation continues.