Good evening.
Our top story tonight: the United States, Britain and Spain held a summit in the Azores to determine what to do about that pesky Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. It is expected that the United States will go to war with Iraq, claiming it has all the authority it needs in United Nations Resolution 1441. This after a month in which the US repeatedly insulted European allies such as France and Germany, threatened uncooperative Security Council members with negative economic consequences and spied on Security Council delegates in order to pass a second resolution.
You know, it’s times like these that you have to wonder if Francoise Ducros’ assessment of the President wasn’t overly generous.
I’m sorry to have to bring up ancient news, but last week the United States planned to force a vote in the UN Security Council whether or not France exercised its veto. The US insisted that winning the vote would give its war on Iraq international legitimacy. This week, the US claims France torpedoed the vote by insisting it would veto any resolution that would automatically lead to war. Hmm…at the risk of overselling the whole “lack of intelligence” thing, it seems to me that somebody can’t count to nine…or, for that matter, much past four…
Just before his council of war, President George Junior announced that, despite mocking former President Bill Clinton for spending so much time trying to bring peace to the Middle East, he would table a road map to bring peace to the Middle East. Reaction from the Arab Street was swift: five minutes of uncontrollable derisive laughter, after which the Arab Street passed out from lack of oxygen and had to be revived.
Political opportunism: 1. Credibility: 0.
In other news, the Ernst Zundel Tumult and Vexation Machine has returned to Canada, having made a successful tour of the United States, which got fed up with the Holocaust denier and kicked him out. The government of Canada wants to deport Zundel to his native Germany, but, being one to never miss an opportunity to cause Vexation wherever he goes, Zundel has sought asylum in Canada, claiming Germany would persecute him if he was returned there. It was at this point that the Tumult Generator of the Tumult and Vexation Machine kicked in: one Canadian Jewish group asked Germany to drop its prosecution of Zundel for hate crimes so that he could be more easily deported; another Canadian Jewish organization says Germany must stick to its guns and try him, even if it means giving him an absurd asylum hearing in Canada.
A smiling Zundel told slavering reporters: “I love this country!”
When he was Canadian Health Minister, Allan Rock authorized payment of $200,000 to a Winnipeg company that restores vintage cars to give him advice on aboriginal health. When they finally stopped laughing, members of the opposition Alliance Party remarked that this was what happens when contracts go untendered. “Creative,” said one, “but, hee hee, uhh, not really good government.”
Israeli troops were embarrassed to find that two men they shot to death were actually Israeli security guards who had pulled over to the side of the road to make coffee. “We’re not trigger happy,” an Israeli official stated. “The men were, uhh, using Palestinian cocoa beans…” Oh, no. Really. Next time, stick with the “tragic accident” defense, guys.
And, now, a Deadline News Special Report from Chrissie Rainitpours, embedded in Tommy Franks’ anus somewhere in Iraq. Chrissie?
“Rex, all is quiet, here, for the moment. It may interest our viewers to know that our troops, although cut off from good old home cooking, are nonetheless well nourished. The average soldier’s rations include such staples as peanut butter, crackers and – sniff…sniff – cognac? Cognac isn’t part of the standard Meals Ready to Eat packages. Am I allowed to say that? What? From Tommy Franks’ anus, this is Chrissie Rainitpours.”
Thanks, Chr –
“Has the war started, yet?”
Any time, now, Chrissie, any time. Thanks.
In business news: the stock market rose steeply on President George Junior’s threat of war. “Plenty of time to feel guilty about it later!” one senior trader said. “Right now, there’s money to be made!” Ah, money. It has no loyalty, no memory and no conscience – that’s something worth devoting your life to!
On the entertainment scene: The Bangles are back! The Bangles are back! The Bangles are back!
…
Who are The Bangles?
Also: this week marks the 30th anniversary of the release of Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon album. Musicians around the world have but one thought on this auspicious occasion: Will you get off the bloody charts so we can sell a few albums?
In sports, National Hockey League officials were mulling over how to respond to the fact that Montreal Canadians fans booed the American national anthem before a game with the New York Islanders. “We want to nip this political booing in the bud,” one league official commented, “and get back to booing because the rival team is winning.” Who says the league has no respect for the traditions of the game?
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: given the nation’s reluctance to go to war alongside the United States, Canadian businesses are worried that if Canada doesn’t further integrate its economy with that of the US, the country’s future prosperity will be jeopardized. As business representative and tofu entrepreneur Chicken Little said, “The border is closing! The border is closing!” The quality never discussed in the business community – national sovereignty – is a little bit like the soul, don’t you think? You take it for granted while you have it, but you’ll never get it back if you give it away. Oh, and, remember the story about the beaver who, confronted by a stronger enemy, gnaws it balls off and hands them to it? The story is a myth. The Canadian business community has no balls.
And, finally, it has become widely known that one of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s favourite quotes comes from gangster Al Capone, who said: “You will get more with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.” Those who are opposed to the war should consider this a signal, and try to get the George Junior administration investigated by the IRS.
Good night.