Oh, I am chagrined. In fact, I can say without fear of contradiction that my grin has never been so chaed.
As some of you may know, Les Pages aux Folles recently announced that we would be producing our own line of sneakers. They would come with a swoosh in a red circle with a line through it – the anti-swoosh or, as we like to call it, the shmoosh. Readers of this fine feature could go jogging, work out at the gym or kick their favourite pet secure in the knowledge that their feet were not contributing to the horrors of globalization.
Well. Some of our more astute readers asked us how we could possibly do such a thing. They reminded us of previous columns in which we wrote things such as “The globalization movement is a death warrant for millions of people in developing nations” and “Consumerism is responsible for the ecological ruin of the world, rampant economic disparity and bad vibes for everybody – it must be resisted with every ounce of energy in our bodies!”
Now, some people assumed from this that we here at Les Pages aux Folles were opposed to globalization and consumerism. If that were true, producing and selling our own leisure wear would be…what’s the word I’m looking for? Not hypothetical. Not hyperspatial.
Hypocritical. That’s it. We would be hypocritical.
However, nothing could be further from the truth. When we wrote “Burn down all the factories and reclaim your lives!” we were talking about the factories owned by the bad capitalists producing the unnecessary consumer goods. That should be very clear from the statement…well, okay, maybe from the context of the statement.
In any case, our shmoosh sneakers are in keeping with our philosophy because they are made by good capitalists. (That would be us.) They are necessary consumer goods because, uhh, well…they make a political statement. Yeah. That’s it. A political statement. They say that you know that there are fundamental problems with transnational capitalism, and you are not going to spend your hard-earned dollars in ways that will make things worse. And, that’s worth paying $237 (plus tax) for!
Some of our readers have praised Les Pages aux Folles for our principled approach to production. “I know that, given your past stands,” one reader wrote, “you will be producing your sneakers in a North American factory that pays decent wages and allows its workers to unionize. Anything less would be -“
Yes, yes, we’ve already dealt with the “h” word – no need to dwell on it.
As a matter of fact, our shmoosh sneakers will be produced in a factory in Abu Dabi Doo. Yes, the country is a monarchy, but Prince Fizzle assures us that they’ve been shopping for a constitution in the bazaars of Monaco, and we believe that it’s only a matter of time before citizens are given some rights. We…we’re not sure which ones, but we’re sure they will be tasty.
In any case, it’s true that we will be paying our workers 27 cents an hour, but that’s twice the local rate! And…anyway, there’s nothing really to buy in Abu Dabi Doo, so giving them more money would be a complete waste – better to give it to our shareholders, who have a cornucopia of products from which to choose.
Here at Les Pages aux Folles, we don’t think of it as exploitation. We prefer to think of it as “socially responsible revenue enhancement.”
And, yes, we do allow unions in our shop. Anybody who works in the factory is free to marry anybody else who works in the factory. Of course, only women work in the factory, and the sheiks who rule Abu Dabi Doo aren’t as enlightened on the issue of same sex marriage as we are. Well, some of us are. Okay, look, the important thing is that our corporate ethos doesn’t disallow unions – whatever happens out in the real world is beyond our control.
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings loyal readers have about our shmoosh sneakers. At Les Pages aux Folles, we envision a country full of shmoosh wearers striking a blow against exploitative transnational capitalism.
Just don’t strike too hard.
Sincerely,
Ned Feeblish
Executive Vice President, Public Relations
Les Pages aux Folles, Inc.
a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp
“we do socially responsible stuff”