People who claim to know about such things tell me that I am not making the best use of the World Wide Web. I gather from their complaints that my Web site is missing three critical components: 1) sex; 2) pop culture, and; 3) lists of subjects so obscure that they can be of no interest to anybody but me. Okay. I really want to make the Web site work for my readers. So, with this advice in mind, I offer the following list of the 10 sexiest babes in comic strips.
1. Helen (Helen, Queen of the Internet). ATTRACTION: a blonde bombshell with the brains of Einstein and the entrepreneurial instincts of Edison. Helen would probably be the most downloaded woman on the Internet, if she hadn’t created software that deleted her image whenever it showed up. Let’s see Bill Gates try that! STATUS: has a boyfriend. SEX: probably over in 30 seconds (an obvious drawback to “Internet time”), but you may be able to make it last longer if you introduce innovative hardware into the process. DRAWBACK: if you break up, it is within Helen’s power to erase your existence from the universe.
2. Sylvia (Sylvia). ATTRACTION: just the woman for people who believe that Selma Diamond died too young. STATUS: a dog and two cats. SEX: ply her with enough chocolates, and she’ll be yours. You might want to keep the lights off. DRAWBACK: her cutting wit will be turned on you if your performance doesn’t live up to her standards. Hope that President Bush does something newsworthily dumb that day.
3. Alice (Dilbert). ATTRACTION: smoldering, super-efficient woman with the biggest hair in comics. I have a thing for smart babes – what can I say? STATUS: probably out on parole. SEX: the woman gets passionate over paper clips – what do you think the sex will be like? DRAWBACK: beware the Fist of Death!…unless you’re one of those people who believe eros and thanatos are intimately linked, in which case, knock yourself out.
4. Tina (Tina’s Groove). ATTRACTION: bright, wry sense of humour, dark good looks, works as a waitress – Tina is the Nia Vardalos of the comics page! STATUS: single? SEX: be prepared to laugh – but in a good way. Sex with Tina is lots of fun. And, don’t worry if you forget to bring your toys – Tina has plenty of her own. DRAWBACK: comic strips don’t usually surprise people with $200 million takes at the box office.
5. Barbara Ann “Boopsie” Boopstein (Doonesbury). ATTRACTION: launched the libidos of millions of adolescent boys as the star of a series of sexually suggestive B-movies. Perhaps a little past her prime, but, for her fans, will always be a hot babe. STATUS: married to a former football player war vet. SEX: sometimes the anticipation is better than the achievement – isn’t that just like life? DRAWBACK: do you really want to share her with all those other boys…and a husband who knows 50 different ways of killing a man with his bare hands?
6. Megan (Sherman’s Lagoon). ATTRACTION: some people like “furry sex;” Megan is for people who like “finny sex.” If you like strong women, you’ll love the fact that Megan is 2,000 pounds of pure muscle. STATUS: married, but her husband isn’t the brightest bulb in the ocean. SEX: she’ll completely devour you. DRAWBACK: make sure you see her after she has just had a really big meal, or she’ll completely devour you.
7. Sally Forth (Sally Forth). ATTRACTION: sweet, sensible, the all-American comic strip character next door. STATUS: married, with child. SEX: it’s true what they say about good girls after the lights go out. DRAWBACK: looks a little plainer since a new artistic team took over the strip a few years ago, otherwise she would have been higher on the list.
8. Zerbina (Zippy). ATTRACTION: the bow in her hair, the faraway look in her eye, the unpredictable things she does with tater tots. STATUS: married with two children…probably. SEX: you will not believe the pleasure that can be found in simple household items like three speed blenders and Ding Dongs. DRAWBACK: no matter how deep your relationship gets, you will never be able to completely convince her that you exist.
9. Alison (Fisher). ATTRACTION: I am a complete sucker for women with wispy bits of hair that fall across their face. My ideal woman would need a seeing eye dog because she couldn’t see through the hair. STATUS: married. SEX: lots of foreplay before, lots of cuddling after and check out her leather! DRAWBACK: she draws the Snugglebunnies. I know she felt obliged to take over from her father but…she draws the Snugglebunnies. That says it all.
10. Helga (Hagar the Horrible). ATTRACTION: strong, experienced, with curves big enough to ski down. STATUS: married, but her husband is away from home looting and pillaging a lot. SEX: enjoys dominating – leave your machismo at the bedroom door! DRAWBACK: her idea of gender roles is positively medieval!
There. I think I’ve done my bit to further pollute the content of the World Wide Web. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have more important matters to attend to…