by OLGA KRYSHTANOVSKAYA, Alternate Reality News Service Travel Writer
Poison has a bad reputation.
Without it, though, crops wouldn’t grow as bountifully, gardens wouldn’t grow as beautifully and rats would be waiting in your basement to give you all sorts of seventh century diseases. For those of you who don’t remember, seventh century diseases have been voted the second worst of the Common Era by the readers of Teen Tiger magazine.
Oh, yeah. We need poison.
The executives at TCC (formerly: Twentieth Century Cyanide) knew that, because of their product’s bad rep, selling the Federal Exchange Commission on a merger with Pesticides ‘R’ Us would be tough. The fact that the new company (to be known as ChemKill Solutions) would control over 90 per cent of the market didn’t help. TCC CEO Reginald Drinkwaterspitmudd could argue for the merger on its merits…but he would lose. He could point out that business-friendly Reduhblicans had let worse mergers through…and he would lose. He needed a different approach.
Fortunately, Drinkwaterspitmudd had one: he rented a suite in the McDruhitmumpf International Hotel Washburningdington District of Cocalumbia.
Then, when the skies didn’t open up and rain subpoenas down on his head, Drinkwaterspitmudd ordered several of his executives to book suites in the McDruhitmumpf International Hotel Washburningdington DC.
In the six months since the merger was announced, TCC board members and employees have spent $137,000 at McDruhitmumpf International Hotel Washburningdington DC. There are more hotels in Washburningdington than there are plastic surgeons in Hollywood, yet a hotel owned by President Ronald McDruhitmumpf just happens to be the one TCC uses?
“There’s nothing suspicious about this,” Drinkwaterspitmudd assured me. “Since we need government approval of the merger, many of us at TCC have had to spend a lot of time in Washburningdington. Naturally, we wanted to stay in what we had been told was the best hotel in the city.” He looked at the handle of the door that had just come off in his hand as he tried to enter his room. Waving the handle nonchalantly, he added, “That hardly ever happens, here.”
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam calmly shouted, “Nothing suspic – are you on crullers? This is an obvious infraction of the emollients – umm, the emo liniments – I mean, the emboll – the clause of the Constitution that says that public officeholders shouldn’t benefit financially from their positions!” Lowering her voice, she added: “Damn Billy Batawatusi for scaring me with a spider in sixth grade civics class!”
“Wha – you – you think we’re staying at this hotel to curry favour with the President?” Drinkwaterspitmudd feigned astonishment so well he momentarily considered seeing a Hollywood plastic surgeon. Not to go into the movies, or anything. Just…I don’t really know why. “First of all, I don’t even like Indian food. Secondly, more importanter, I don’t stay here for nefarious reasons. The McDruhitmumpf International Hotel Washburningdington DC is well known for having the best service of any hotelin town.”
“Yeah, we don’t have room service,” the woman behind the front desk said over the phone.
“There’s a card on a desk in my room that offers room service,” Drinkwaterspitmudd, after having been on hold for 17 minutes, turned his attention to the phone and responded.
“No, there isn’t.”
“I’m looking right at it.”
“Oh. That. It’s out of date.”
“What have you replaced it wi – hello? Hello?” Placing the receiver in its cradle, Drinkwaterspitmudd grinned and said, “Cell reception in this city can be so spotty!”
In the ordinary course of affairs – can you remember that there used to be an ordinary course of affairs in Vesampucceri? – a high public official like the President would have to put all of his assets into a blind trust (not to worry – he would get his eyes back when he left office). Not knowing who was enriching him, he wouldn’t be able to craft government policy for his personal benefit.
President McDruhitmumpf chose a different path to achieving a state of non-conflict of interest. A path that some might think led straight to his bank. Others might think…umm…wow, I’m really having trouble coming up with alternatives this article!
“Really, it’s not like that,” Drinkwaterspitmudd argued. “The great thing about the McDruhitmumpf International Hotel Washburningdington DC are its amenities. I -”
“Sorry,” the desk clerk’s voice could be heard on phone again, “we don’t have a pool.”
“It took you half an hour to find that out?”
“There’s a big hole in the basement. It could have been for a pool – how am I supposed to know?”
“Okay. Can I get a nine am wake up call?”
“What do I look like? A clock radio‽”
“I don’t know what you look like. You weren’t at the desk when I check – hello? Hello‽”
Drinkwaterspitmudd put a hand over the receiver and told me, “I know it looks bad, but, trust me, the hotels in Pottsylvania are much worse!”