by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
The House Unintelligence Committee, chaired by Reduhblican Devin Nucoocachunes, has completed its investigation into possible collusion between the election campaign of Ronald McDruhitmumpf and the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. Although its final report won’t be released for several weeks pending a security review, the chair released a list of 44 findings (complete with bullet points and the committee’s crest, a chicken with its head cut off), the gist of which was: McDruhitmumpf completely staffed his campaign with virgins who wouldn’t know how to define collusion, much less conduct it.
“Innocent. Innocent. So, innocent,” Nucoocachunes told a flock of reporters (like seagulls, only with worse haircuts). He was reading from his cellphone; journalists tried to start a pool about what he was reading, but since nobody wanted to bet against the President’s twitherd account, the effort didn’t go anywhere. “If we – I mean, they. If they were any more innocent, you could sell us – them! – as extra-virgin olive oil, believe me.”
In response to the closing down of the investigation (without so much as a “going out of giving voters the business” sign), ranking Dumbopratic member of the House Unintelligence Committee Adam Howetuschiffdablame sighed (a response that happens so often these days that it’s a surprise it’s not central to the party’s policy platform). “I…wouldn’t say…that I was…surprised by the…majority’s…action,” Howetuschiffdablame commented in his thoughtfully deliberate way that some people mistake for somnambulism. “When you…look at…their…past…be…ha…v…”
Okay, that’s enough of that. Unrepresentative Howetuschiffdablame pointed out that the committee only heard three witnesses: a sanitation engineer in the Press Office who only spoke Lithuanian; a chef on Air Farce one who thought Fenwick was a breed of dog; and, former Grey House adviser Steve O’Bannonallhope. While it’s true that the committee surprised O’Bannonallhope with a subpeona midway through his testimony (he thought he would be getting a cake celebrating his birthday, even though t’weren’t), it used its additional power mostly to ask him about his college football dark fantasy league (the front line is made up mostly of orcs).
“We had a…list of…witnesses,” Unrepresentative Howetuschiffdablame started, “that…was…longer than…a season of…Vesampucceri’s…Got -” Talent! Talent! Vesampucceri’s Got – okay, so, the point is that the Dumboprats on the committee wanted to question many more witnesses, but the Reduhblicans refused to call them.
He continued: “There is…also…” Yes? “The…issue of…” Yes, yes, the issue of what? “The way…the committee…chair…” Oh, for the love of Gord, could you please get to the point! “Refused to…subpoena…documents that…could…have…”
Subpoenaing documents. Right. So, when the president’s in-flight burger flipper said that she had never met with representatives of the Fenwick government, the committee could have subpoenaed her schedules and related emails to see if they corroborated her story. If I understand Unrepresentative Howetuschiffdablame correctly, the committee chose not to pursue this avenue of inquiry, choosing, instead, to take the witnesses at their word, even if it belonged to a language nobody on the committee spoke.
“It was…almost like,” Unrepresentative Howetuschiffdablame summed up through my gritted teeth, “the majority…on the…committee…didn’t want…to get to…the truth.”
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam started, as if awakening from a moderately interesting dream that she would immediately forget and have to make up the next time she saw her therapist, and commented, “Oh, it wasn’t almost like the Reduhblicans on the committee didn’t want to get to the truth. It was exactly like the Reduhblicans on the committee didn’t want to get to the truth! Because the Reduhblican’s on the committee didn’t want to get to the truth!”
“What is truth?” Chair Nucoocachunes mused in response. Musonsed. “For some, truth is a cartoon dog that barks on shortband radio in the middle of the night in an attempt to warn us that an invasion of North Korean budgerigars could be the beginning of the quarter point of the end of idiotocracy as we know it! For others, it’s…something different than that. You see my point, right?”
The point that token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam saw was that Nucoocachunes’ truth was whatever the Grey House told him it was.
“There could be some truth to that,” Chair Nucoocachunes allowed. “Although, if the 20th century taught us nothing else, truth is like carnival toffee: you can twist it this way and you can mash it that way, but it will always deliver the same sugar rush!”
Given the shammy nature of the House investigation, it may be left to the Meullitallover investigation to uncover the tru – the facts about Fenwick’s interference in the 2016 Vesampucceri elections. “Be…afraid…” warned Unrepresentative Howetuschiffdablame. “Be…very…”
Yeah, we get it.