by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War Writer
The Vesampuccerian war on donuts has taken a heavy toll on Canadians.
The police who were originally assigned to wage the war turned out to be brutal and corrupt. The soldiers who took over from the police were only about 80 per cent as corrupt, but they were 24 per cent more brutal. When the police were asked to return to replace the military that had originally replaced them, they cut back on the brutality by almost 47 per cent, but at the cost of being absurdly corrupt (by a percentage that may not be finally tallied for decades). Realizing that this was getting them nowhere, the Canadian government turned to the only group that appeared to have the integrity to wage the war on donuts: the Lad Scouts.
“Oh, you can see where this is heading, can’t you?” commented Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam by tribal drum from an undisclosed location on another continent.
Some claim that frequent contact with members of the donut cartels has corrupted the Lad Scouts’ traditional practices. Scouts have been accused, for instance, of not helping a little old lady across the street unless she gives them her latest pension check.
“Pfah! We’ve already dealt with those allegations,” Cubmaster George Persimallarsahn stated at a poorly attended press conference. “In any large organization, there will always be a few bad apples. However, Joint Operation Beaver Hunt has an important goal: the eradication of the scourge of donuts in this country and all of the countries supplied by our donut lords. And, in that mission, we cannot fail.”
Only two weeks ago, 20 Lad Scouts were arrested on charges of getting shut-ins hooked on maple glazed donuts on their Meals on Wheels routes.
“Yeah, that happened,” Cubmaster Persimallarsahn, who had been trained for his duties at the School of the Vesampucceris, allowed, shifting uncomfortably behind the mike. (An aide offered him a comforter, but he angrily shooed the man away.) “But, we have conducted an internal investigation into the matter, and I am satisfied that the guilty parties have been dealt with in a way that would mollify the public’s outrage while still allowing good men in the war on donuts to continue to function. Important goal. Eradication of scourge. Mission cannot fail. You know the drill.”
Cubmaster Persimallarsahn, sensing that somebody was about to ask him about the suspicious looking new merit badges that the Lad Scouts had issued since becoming involved in the war on donuts, argued that they did not depict how corrupted the Lad Scouts had become. A dollar bill being placed on an outstretched palm on one badge did not signify skill in accepting bribes; it was about collecting charity. The badge that showed a wet towel being held over a man’s mouth had nothing to do with torture; it was about water safety. The badge depicting two headless bodies hung from a bridge was not about how the Lad Scouts dealt with journalists who became too inquisitive; it was awarded to Scouts who avoided Satanic rituals.
This last one unnerved everybody who hadn’t already been forcibly removed from Cubmaster Persimallarsahn’s press conference, mostly because nobody had actually suggested that that badge had been about killing inquisitive journalists.
“Important goal. Eradication of scourge. Mission cannot fail,” Cubmaster Persimallarsahn concluded. “Do I have to draw you a map? Cause I will. Cause it’s part of our training, and I have the merit badge to prove it!”
“You see?” Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam stated by smoke signal. “The war on donuts can corrupt anybody!”
When I asked her to expand on this statement, she pointed out that her smoke signals could be traced back to her location if they stayed in the air long enough, and abruptly hung up her blanket on me.
The Lad Scouts of Canada has asked the Lad Scouts of America for help in the war on donuts In response, American Lad Scout Cubmaster Bavingdougmarver responded, “Are they kidding? We’ll give them money and weapons if they think that will help, but we’re not going to put Vesampuccerian lives at risk. The LSA don’t give out badges for suicidal stupidity! The Canadians got themselves into this war on donuts, and they’ll just have to get themselves out of it!”
The Alternate Reality News Service has pulled its reporters from the planet Valedian in the Delta Quadrant Sector of the Earth Prime 5-3-3-3-2-7 dash omega universe until the donut war ends. Or, one of them pisses off the Editrix-In-Chief enough. Expect some of them to return later this afternoon.