Curtain up on a typical teenager’s bedroom; clothes are everywhere and posters plaster the wall. Typical, except that the most prominent posters are of former Ontario Premier William Davis. JANICE, the teenager who belongs to the room, sits on the bed, legs crossed, looking at a textbook. She looks with longing at a copy of Eighteen Magazine sitting on the bed next to her, then back at the textbook. After a couple of seconds, she tosses the textbook aside and gets up to put a record on the record player on the floor next to her bed.
SINGER: (singing) You say your country’s in a mess
Janice returns to the bed and leafs through the magzine.
SINGER: (singing) You’re not sure if you’re the east or the west
Hey, guys, your money’s too tight
Hey, guys, you haven’t the might
You want a better place in world trade
But, you won’t get it with the products you made
Ruble Ruble
Your country’s in debt
Ruble Ruble
Your rate has been set
Ruble Ruble
Why couldn’t they see
You’ve screwed up your economy
MOTHER: (shouting, offstage) Janice? Janice!
JANICE: (to herself) Oh, nuts! (jumps off her bed and turns the record down until it is barely audible) Is that better, mom?
MOTHER: (offstage) Have you cleaned up your room?
JANICE: Well… (picks an article of clothing up off the floor and throws it at a hamper) I’ve started!
MOTHER: (offstage) Don’t forget, we’re going to Aunt Bertha’s tomorrow!
JANICE: (to herself) Great! We’ll get to hear about her disease for just about the millionth time…
MOTHER: (offstage) What was that, dear?
JANICE: I’ll be ready, mom!
MOTHER: (offstage) I just want you to look nice.
JANICE: I know, Thanks.
Janice jumps back on the bed, picks up the magazine in one hand, the textbook in the other and compares their weight. Janice frowns and tosses the textbook aside. Before she is able to start reading, the phone rings. Shoving a pile of clothes off the bed, she finds the phone and picks up the receiver.
JANICE: Hello? (pause) Oh, hi… No, I’m happy to hear from you… No, really… Well, I’m sorry. Why don’t we start again? Okay…yeah. Bye.
Janice hangs up. Moments later, the phone rings. Janice answers it.
JANICE: Oh, hi! How the heck are you doing? (pause) Really? What’s wrong? (long pause) Air Supply? No great loss… Well, I’m sorry, but that’s what happens to records when you leave them out in the sun… (giggles) Oh, just doing some homework.. Yes, I was! (pause) Yes, really…well, maybe not really. There was this fabuloso article called “Thirty-seven Ways To Let Him Know You’re Upset With Him Without Punching Him in the Face…” You’ve read it? What did you think? (pause) Me, too. The last eight or 10 are weak, but the rest… (pause) Oh, you can’t be serious! He…he likes watching Maple Leaf hockey games! (pause) Oh, I’m not fussy…no, not really. It’s just that, well, the man I fall in love with will have to have Billy Davis’ smile. (pause) You don’t know about Billy Davis’ smile? Well, girl, let me tell ya ’bout it…
(singing) He’ll try to be your friend
Knocking you all the while
He well knows how to pretend
He’s got Billy Davis’ smile
He’ll hold you and control you
Until he’s bought and sold you
He’s got a social plan and
If you don’t fit, then he’ll mold you
He’s got the wit, he’s got the guile
He’s got Billy Davis’ smile
He’ll try to get your cash
Using a lot of style
He has unique panache
He’s got Billy Davis’ smile
He’ll conserve you, to unnerve you
And then he’ll claim to preserve you
You’ll be convinced he Conservative
Until he buys a company or two
He’s not insane, but may be senile
He’s got Billy Davis’ smile
(talking) Get it? Well, it’s better than somebody with Anthony Perkins’ smile. (pause) Oh, yes he does. (pause) No, he really does. (laughs) No, I don’t –
MOTHER: (offstage) Janice!
JANICE: (into phone) Hold on a sec. (shouting) Yeah, mom?
MOTHER: (offstage) Were you singing up there?
JANICE: No, mom.
MOTHER: (offstage) There’s nobody else up there, and I distinctly heard singing!
JANICE: Maybe it was coming from the street.
MOTHER: (offstage) Now, Jannie, dear. You know how singing puts me off my needlecraft!
JANICE: Sorry, mom! (into phone) I gotta go. (pause) No, I really gotta go. (pause) No, I really…well, maybe just a few minutes longer, but no more songs!
Curtain.
(with basso profundo apologies to David Bowie and Kim Carnes)