Curtain up on 12 executives, male and female, sitting around a boardroom table. At the head of the table is a CHAIRMAN and a nervous applicant, WILSON. Papers are strewn all over.
WILSON: …do pretty well in this position.
CHAIRMAN: Are there any questions? (pause) Well, then, I’d like to thank Mr. Wilson for taking the time to come and talk to us. (Wilson rises) If you do get the position, Wilson, we’ll let you know.
WILSON: (grateful) Thank you. (Wilson exits amid polite clapping)
CHAIRMAN: (after Wilson is gone) Well, what did you think of him?
EXECUTIVE 1: Bad! (goes around the table, rapidly)
EXECUTIVE 2: Awful!
EXECUTIVE 3: Terrible!
EXECUTIVE 4: Icky!
EXECUTIVE 5: Miserable!
EXECUTIVE 6: Sucked canal water!
EXECUTIVE 7: Worst we’ve seen yet!
EXECUTIVE 8: Umm…worse than the worst we’ve seen yet!
EXECUTIVE 9: Pretty bad…
CHAIRMAN: Just pretty bad?
EXECUTIVE 9: (apologetic) Well, that’s just a preliminary opinion…
CHAIRMAN: Can I take it we’re agreed that he wasn’t for us? (murmurs of accord; Chairman leans into intercom) Send in the next applicant. (enter FIELDS) have a seat, Mr. …?
FIELDS: Fields. Jonathan Fields. (sits)
CHAIRMAN: Would you like to make a statement, Mr. Fields?
FIELDS: Well, sir, I believe you’ll find from my application that I am a model Middle Class Executive…
CHAIRMAN: Really? And, just what is a model Middle Class Executive?
FIELDS: I was kind of hoping you’d ask that question…
(singing) I am the very model of a Middle Class Executive
I follow every memorandum, order form and directive
I work within the confines of a rigid corporate hierarchy
To maximize our profits with the greatest of efficiency
I can tell a good investment from a drag on our portfolio
I sense which stocks are rising fast and which are going to be slow
I provide the information by which other people can decide
Hmm…can decide…ah, and keep the secrets that we need from getting to the other side!
EXECUTIVES: (singing to each other) And keep the secrets that we need from getting to the other side
And keep the secrets that we need from getting to the other side
And keep the secrets that we need from getting to the other other side
FIELDS: (singing) I know a little mathematics, business and good management
And monitor all costs so I know we haven’t overspent
In short, where there’s a memorandum, order form or directive
I am the very model of a Middle Class Executive
EXECUTIVES: (singing) In short, where there’s a memorandum, order form or directive
He is the very model of a Middle Class Executive
FIELDS: (singing) I review all decisions that are made by all my underlings
So I can pass them on with lots of questions, notes and other things
I take long lunches and try to have meetings every other day
To keep in touch so to my bosses I will know just what to say
I read Esquire and Wall Street Week to look like I’m not a cartoon
I even own a solid gold plate key to all the men’s washrooms
All agree that I look like I am upwardly mobile
Mobile? Well…a healthy dentist’s bill ensures that I have teeth for a perfect smile
EXECUTIVES: (singing) A healthy dentist’s bill ensures he has teeth for a perfect smile
A healthy dentist’s bill ensures he has teeth for a perfect smile
A healthy dentist’s bill ensures he has teeth for a perfect perfect smile
FIELDS: (singing) I try to stay on top of all the dirty office politics
To know who’ll move up in three years and who will have to wait for six
In short, where there’s a memorandum, order form or directive
I am the very model of a Middle Class Executive
EXECUTIVES: (singing) In short, where there’s a memorandum, order form or directive
He is the very model of a Middle Class Executive
FIELDS: (singing) I wear a three piece suit with a thin tie that shouts conservative
I live within the suburbs, you could say my life’s commutative
I have two children and a lovely wife who likes to tend our home
We often give small parties so that we don’t have to be alone
I have to make two hundred thou so I can keep the payments up
Without this job I know that I would likely have to drive a truck
I can tell a person’s politics with just one look into his face
Face? Oh, dear…lace? Mace? No…
I drink more than I should, but, what the hell, this is a real rat race!
EXECUTIVES: (singing) He drinks more than he should, but, what the hell, this is a real rat race!
He drinks more than he should, but, what the hell, this is a real rat race!
He drinks more than he should, but, what the hell, this is a real a real rat race!
FIELDS: (singing) I don’t produce, I don’t create, you’ll never know just what I do
But if not for me life would be just a little worse for you
In short, where there’s a memorandum, order form or directive
I am the very model of a Middle Class Executive
EXECUTIVES: (singing) In short, where there’s a memorandum, order form or directive
He is the very model of a Middle Class Executive
Silence for many a second. Then, Chairman walks over to him and slaps Fields enthusiastically on the back)
CHAIRMAN: My boy!
All start clapping as Chairman hands Fields a cigar. Curtain.
(with affectionate apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)