Curtain up on the bedroom of a Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission’s COMMISSIONER. The Commissioner is sitting at a small table away from his bed, reading one volume of a bunch strewn about. He is in his pajamas, his hair is a mess and he looks tired. The room is lit by a single lamp on the table, which casts eerie shadows. The Commissioner turns a page.
COMMISSIONER: (muttering) Demographics…Canadian content pledges…decreasing profitability…if I had known it was going to be this much work, I would never have agreed to become a CRTC Commissioner! (pause) I don’t even know what I’m reading any more! (closes book and reads cover) A Proposal for the Expansion of Third Tier Cable Television Programming, Including Pertinent Graphs, Charts and Canadian Audience Demographic projections to the Year 2,000. God – they need a separate volume just for the title! (opens to the first page) I don’t want to start again…don’t want…don’t…
The Commissioner slumps across the table and starts to snore. Pause.
GHOST: (offstage, singing) 99 channels of junk on the tube
99 channels of junk
If one of those channels should not be much viewed
98 channels of junk on the tube
GHOST, bathed in pale blue light, enters, moving slowly, ominously.
GHOST: (singing) 98 channels of junk on the tube
98 channels of junk
If one of those channels should not be much viewed
97 channels of junk on the tube…
COMMISSIONER: (awakes with a start) Damn Commission! I should – I – (notices Ghost) Hey – who are you?
GHOST: (grave) I am the Ghost of Television Future.
COMMISSIONER: (frightened) Oh…no…
GHOST: Suit yourself. (singing) 97 channels of junk on the tube
97 channels of junk (starts to slowly exit)
If one of those channels should not be much viewed –
COMMISSIONER: Wait! That song!
GHOST: (stops and turns) Yes?
COMMISSIONER: Who are you? Really?
GHOST: I am the Ghost of Television Future. Really. I can show you what the future holds for television…
COMMISSIONER: (defiant) Oh, yeah? Show me.
GHOST: Okay.
Ghost makes a fist and sticks it under his chin, staring ahead bug-eyed and completely unmoving. Long pause.
COMMISSIONER: (impatient) What’s that supposed to be?
GHOST: (still not moving) A typical child of the future…
COMMISSIONER: (angry and scared) I don’t believe you!
GHOST: Suit yourself. (singing) 96 channels of junk on the tube
96 channels of junk on the tube
96 channels of junk
If one of those channels should not be much viewed –
COMMISSIONER: No! No! You’re not a ghost! You’re just a…an undigested Chicken McNugget! Just the bad memory of something I ate!
GHOST: (straightens up) If that’s how you feel, I’ll go. I’ve got to see a lot of Commissioners before morning.
COMMISSIONER: Do you really know the future?
GHOST: (mild sarcasm) That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. For somebody who works in the media, you don’t have much of an imagination…
COMMISSIONER: Do you know the future of the CBC?
GHOST: The what?
COMMISSIONER: CBC…the CBC! The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation!
GHOST: Canadian Broadcasting Corporation? What a quaint idea. No, there is no…CBC in the future.
COMMISSIONER: But, who produces Canadian programmes?
GHOST: (grim) There are no Canadian programmes.
COMMISSIONER: (horrified) No Canadian programmes! Then, what is there?
GHOST: (singing) 95 channels of junk on the tube
95 channels of junk on the tube
95 channels of junk –
COMMISSIONER: Alright! Alright! I get the point!
GHOST: Do you wish to see more?
COMMISSIONER: How much more can there be?
GHOST: Plenty. (intoning) There will be car crashes and explosions and bloodless killing and titillating semi-nudity and displays of conspicuous consumption and witless situation comedies and…
COMMISSIONER: (covering his face with his hands and sobbing) Enough! Enough, already! Please, why are you showing me all this?
GHOST: Because you are to blame.
COMMISSIONER: No!
GHOST: (sarcastic) What do you use for brains, onion dip?
COMMISSIONER: Hey! Nobody likes a sarcastic ghost!
GHOST: (hot) Nobody likes any kind of ghost! (takes a second to regain control) Look: I showed you a possible future. It doesn’t have to happen, but it might. If you don’t take steps to protect Canadian programming and stop the influx of American stations over cable networks. Get it?
COMMISSIONER: (grumbling) Yeah. Sure. I get it.
GHOST: Good. Now, I’ve gotta go. You’ve got me behind schedule. I hope you’re satisfied.
COMMISSIONER: Well…I…
GHOST: (singing) If one of those channels should not be much viewed
94 channels of junk on the tube (exits)
94 channels of junk on the tube
94 channels of junk
(off) If one of those channels should not be much viewed
93 channels of junk on the tube…
COMMISSIONER: (sobs, collapses) Oh, my! (gets up after a second, calmer) Oh, where am I? My eyes hurt…it’s like…like I spent the last three days in front of a television set. What a strange dream I had…no CBC – ha!
Commissioner picks up report, looks at it for a second, then drops it like a hot potato.
COMMISSIONER: Oh, no! It’s true! (falls to table, sobbing)
Curtain.