Curtain up on a dimly lit hallway in the White House. BRAD, a tall guy who wears glasses, and is pretty handsome for a nerd, and JANET, who is tall and also pretty attractive, if shrill, enter, lost. They look around them, confused, clinging to each other.
GRAD: (wimpy) Well, I don’t know where we are…
JANET: I told you we shouldn’t have left the tour!
BRAD: But, Janet, I had to go to the bathroom. Really, I did…
JANET: (angry) So, now what are we going to do?
BRAD: (miserable) I don’t know…
CARETAKER appears, seemingly out of nowhere, startling Brad and Janet.
CARETAKER: (mysteriously) Might I be…of assistance?
BRAD: (relieved) Yes. Thank you. I’m Brad and this is Janet…
JANET: (offering her hand) Hello…
Caretaker ignores her.
BRAD: We seem to be lost…
SECRETARY, dressed seductively, appears in much the same way Caretaker did.
SECRETARY: (unidentifiable east European accent) Are you sure they’re not spies?
JANET: Who are you?
SECRETARY: exchanging meaningful glance with Caretaker) I…work here… (Secretary and Caretaker laugh)
BRAD: If you could tell us how to get out of here…
CARETAKER: Perhaps…you belong here…?
BRAD: Oh, no…
JANET: We’re just tourists. We got lost and… (giggles nervously) …we’d really like to go home, now.
SECRETARY: Do you know what time it is?
BRAD: Umm, hold on a second…
Brad looks at his watch. Secretary and Caretaker look at each other and laugh uproariously.
BRAD: It’s…it’s…
SECRETARY: (screaming) It’s budget time!
CARETAKER: (singing) It’s amazing (advances on Brad and Janet menacingly)
The economy’s receding
Interest takes it toll
SECRETARY: (comes up from behind them, singin) But, look in the paper
Things are uncertain
Nobody’s got monetary control
CARETAKER: (singing) I remember
Doing the aardvark
Drinking the liquour when
The depression surrounds me
SECRETARY and CARETAKER: (singing) With mortgage foreclosings
The Secretary and Caretaker back Brad and Janet into a hearing room where dozens of CONGRESSMEN and the SECRETARIES are cavorting about in unusual costumes.
ALL: (singing) Let’s do the aardvark again!
Let’s do the aardvark again!
PROFESSOR: (at projector at head of the room) It’s just a jump to the right
ALL: (singing) Without a trace of the le-eh-eh-eh-eh-eft
PROFESSOR: Cut the budget…overnight!
ALL: (singing) Leave social services bereft
It’s a political thrust
Which really proves them ina-eh-eh-eh-eh-ane
Let’s do the aardvark again!
Let’s do the aardvark again!
SECRETARY: (singing) It’s so crazy
Oh “trickle down” save me
So there’s some gravy
But, not for all
In a previous decade
All the progress that we made
Could not save us
From a recessionary fall
CARETAKER: (singing) With a bit of a flip-flop
SECRETARY: (singing) We watch as the rates drop
CARETAKER: (singing) Unemployment will never be the same
SECRETARY: (singing) It’s a patriotic position
CARETAKER: (singing) Without a trace of sedition
ALL: (singing) Let’s do the aardvark again!
Let’s do the aardvark again!
PROFESSOR: (getting excited) It’s just a jump to the right
ALL: (singing) Without a trace of the le-eh-eh-eh-eh-eft
PROFESSOR: (jumping on the table) Cut the budget overnight!
ALL: (singing) Leave social services bereft
It’s a political thrust
Which really proves them ina-eh-eh-eh-eh-ane
Let’s do the aardvark again!
Let’s do the aardvark again!
LITTLE MEL: (singing) Well I was watchin’ TV
Just happy as a clam
When I saw this guy
This politician man
His theories were in
He was on “supply side”
Every time he talked
An economist died
Tax breaks, incentives
Were the wealthy’s gain
Middle class meant nothing
Never would again
ALL: (singing) Let’s do the aardvark again!
Let’s do the aardvark again!
PROFESSOR: (hysterical) It’s just a jump to the right
ALL: (singing) Without a trace of the le-eh-eh-eh-eh-eft
PROFESSOR: Cut the budget overnight!
ALL: (singing) Leave social services bereft
It’s a political thrust
Which really proves them ina-eh-eh-eh-eh-ane
Let’s do the aardvark again!
Let’s do the aardvark again!
All fall down, laughing, except Brad, Janet, Caretaker, Secretary and Little Mel.
BRAD: (to Little Mel) Where are we? Is this some kind of hell?
LITTLE MEL: Naah. It’s just a budget meeting.
Janet faints in Brad’s arms as the curtain comes down.
(with profuse apologies to Richard O’Brien)