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Say The Magic Words And Win $100 Million

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“Ah, Mister Smith, come in. Come in. Can I have my girl get you anything?”

“On the Pentagon’s tab?”

“Of course.”

“How about a diet Fresca?”

“Fantastic. You know, most people in your position would try and take advantage of –”

“In a gold mug encrusted with rare jewels.”

“Ah. That mug. Yes, it does seem to be popular. Christine, will you take care of it?”

“Yes, sir.”

“So, Mister Smith. The committee has looked over your proposal for an Iraqi reconstruction project and, I must say, we found it bold and innovative.”

“Oh. Well, if you were going to reject it, you could just have sent me an email.”

“Actually –”

“Would’ve saved me a trip to Washington. The bus costs money, you know.”

“Actually, we’re undecided about your project. The committee has tasked me with asking some questions, if you don’t mind.”

“Shoot – if it isn’t totally inappropriate to say that after the mid-term elections.”

“Oh, ha ha. Very good. Haven’t heard that one before. Now, Mister Smith, you do know that Iraq is – and there is no way to sugar-coat this, so I’m just going to be blunt – a desert, do you not?”

“Of course. That was part of my company’s due diligence. Can’t put anything past our legal department.”

“Good to hear. Since you acknowledge that Iraq is, basically a desert, I’m sure you can understand our confusion as to why you are proposing to build a bait and tackle shop in Baghdad.”

“We feel that it is an underserved market. Our research has shown us that the number of bait and tackle shops currently in Baghdad is precisely zero.”

“I don’t doubt that that is true.”

“Research thanks you.”

“Nonetheless, I can’t help but wonder if the lack of bait and tackle shops in Baghdad is a result of the fact that there is nowhere to fish in the city, or, indeed, anywhere in the country.”

“We deal with that issue in Phase B.”

“Phase B?”

“Oh, yes. Ambitious plan, Phase B.”

“At the risk of looking foolish, of what, precisely, does Phase B consist?”

“Well, we’re still finalizing the Phase B paperwork, so I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to say. I’m sure you can appreciate that we wouldn’t want our competitors getting wind of our plans. All I can tell you at this time is that Phase B will deal with the whole ‘lack of fishing’ in the country issue.”

“Ah. That being the case, why don’t you come back when the plans for Phase B are complete?”

“Because I’m here to get funding for Phase A.”

“I should have anticipated that answer. Sorry – I’m going through a nasty divorce. Phase A, then – you are asking for…$100 million in funding?”

“Over five years.”

“For a bait and tackle shop.”

“That’s right.”

“See, here’s the thing: you can build a bait and tackle shop using pieces of wood found in the street – and, lord knows, Baghdad has enough of that. Throw in a couple of bucks for a can of paint so that you can paint ‘bait and tackle’ on an extra piece of wood, spend a couple of hours digging worms out of the earth and put them into used tins, and there you go. You have a bait and tackle shop. So, it’s hard for us to imagine where the bulk of the $100 million is going to go.”

“Fair question.”

“The committee thought so.”

“Around $2.5 million will be spent on importing worms.”

“Importing worms?”

“You can’t really expect Iraq worms to be up to the job of catching fish – they have no experience in it. American worms, on the other hand, have been used to catch fish for generations. It’s genetic, really, and you wouldn’t want to argue with science.”

“Ah.”

“Then there will be at least $10 million in consultants fees.”

“Consultants fees?”

“We can’t just throw a bait and tackle shop into the middle of Baghdad and expect it to be a runaway success. We need advertising. We need advice on how to navigate the local bureaucracy. Who to bribe…whose family members to kidnap to put pressure on them to cooperate…the sorts of things any start-up business needs to consider…”

“That’s outrageous!

“I know. Working in a foreign country is complicated.”

“You plan to use government money to bribe Iraqis?”

“Did I say bribe? I’m sorry, I meant to say provide financial incentives. Got carried away for a moment – my apologies.”

“Okay. I think I’ve heard –”

“Did I mention that we plan to spend at least $30 million on defense?”

“Defense?”

“Concrete abutments don’t grow on trees! And, that’s not to mention the 12 security officers we’ll need to guard the shop’s three employees.”

“Hmm…I must say I find your case less than compelling. Is there anything else you can say that you think might affect the committee’s opinion on this issue?”

“Yeah. I’m a friend of Dick Cheney.”

“You – you’re what? – a friend of – oh, well, why didn’t you say so? I’ll convene the committee immediately. How is first thing Monday morning?”

“Well…”

“Right. You’re right. I’ll convene them as soon as this meeting is over. Nothing happens in Washington on a Friday afternoon, and, I’m sure the committee members who have left town for the weekend will want to return to deal with…this…”

“I appreciate your help.”

“Please pass along my greetings to the Vice President.”

“I’ll consider it…”

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