THE SET-UP
How open are you to differently healthed humour? Rate the following jokes on the scale:
1 – Wouldn’t offend a three year-old.
2 – Would offend a three year-old.
3 – Bad enough that you would want to keep it away from Mormons, Baptists and house pets.
4 – So offensive that it could stop traffic at 50 feet.
5 – So offensive that it made me want to renounce humanity and join a monastery/convent.
THE JOKES
1. A man was arrested on Highway 401 for watching an X-rated movie while driving 40 kilometres over the speed limit. Maybe we should call them “getting off ramps.” Man, if I was the cop who stopped him, I would be careful how I handed him his ticket!
2. Like most humourist/comedians who have had to suffer years of indifference to my comic genius, I have revenge fantasies. But, I’m Canadian, so I’m not sure how revenge-worthy they are. If I was American, my fantasy would be that, on hearing that I had finally made it big, everybody who had ever rejected anything I had written started coughing up blood, infecting the mistresses they were in bed with at the time and starting a plague that ravaged Hollywood. As a Canadian, my revenge fantasy consists of anybody who had ever rejected anything I had written getting into a minor car crash and having their insurance claim denied.
3. My parents are both losing their hearing. This is a good opportunity for me to say all of the things I’ve wanted to say to them, but haven’t because, you know, I love them and don’t want to hurt their feelings. Intentionally.
“Pfeh! I hated you as a child!”
“What?”
“Pfeh! I ate something too mild!”
“Oh. I know what you mean. Yesterday, I was eating cream of broccoli soup – it’s good for the colon, you know. But it was like I was eating water, it was so bland…”
4. People keep asking me if I’m gay. I don’t think so. I mean, if I am, my porn collection has been lying to me for years!
5. I’m so fat. How fat am I? NASA has calculated that there isn’t enough energy on the planet to get me into space. Not that it matters – they wouldn’t send me into space because they’re afraid my gravitational pull would shift the Earth out of its orbit. How fat am I? I’m so fat, Oprah feels good standing next to me. I’m so fat, I’m the before picture…for Asia. I’m so fat, I…I don’t understand why I am so willing to make fat jokes. What is wrong with me?
6. I generally agree with the sentiment of Bobby McFerrin’s hit song, but something has always impelled me to play with the lyrics. You know:
“When you have a poopie in your pants
Then you do a little poopie dance
Don’t worry
Be happy”
Strangely, my dinner dates weren’t nearly as impressed when I sang this as my five year-old nephew was.
7. I used to chew my nails. But, I was told that that was a bad habit, so I stopped. Now, I just clip them and file them away for future reference. I had to add a temperature controlled room to my house for all the little plastic baggies. The file cards I use to keep track of them now number over 12,000 – I’ve been looking for a computer programme to help out, but, oddly enough, I haven’t found one yet.
8. Sarah Silverman gave me AIDS. So, okay, she didn’t really. But how cool would that be?
9. You’ll laugh your ass off. Am I the only one who doesn’t get that phrase? If you laugh your ass off, how will you be able to take a shit? Will you have to walk around with a colostomy bag for the rest of your life just because you enjoyed a joke? That doesn’t seem right. Maybe you could have an ass transplant. I don’t know. And, what about the people who have to clean all the asses off the floor after a comedy show? If I was a janitor at Yuk Yuks, I’d be like, “I ain’t picking that up! I have a pretty good idea of where that ass has been!”
10. Too soon for Michael Jackson jokes? Please! I was sick of all of the eulogizing for Jackson long before he actually died! If there was ever a musician who should have become a member of the 27 club…
THE VERDICT
0 – 10: Please never try and contact me. You are the kind of person restraining orders were created for.
11-25: You might want to put a leash on that inner child, because it seems to have more control over you than it should.
25-40: You might want to take the leash off that inner child because it obviously has more fun than you do.
40-50: You know you have a body, right? I mean, you’re not some disembodied gas alien, are you? Unclench that sphincter and lighten up!