by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Fairy Tale Writer
Guess who’s made Santa’s naughty list?
Fyodor Rostenkowski-Flitwick, an elf who heads the – okay, look: the lede was actually a lot more clever before some nit used the idea in the headline. I don’t write the headline – don’t really have any say in what goes into the headline, usually don’t even read it before an article goes to press – so, don’t blame me if my lede now seems redundant, okay?
Fyodor Rostenkowski-Flitwick, an elf who heads the Northern Hemisphere offices of Christmas, Inc. left his laptop on a Yonge/University subway car some time in the morning of January 2. Two months later, Christmas Inc. CEO, Santa Claus, under investigation by Sesame Street 2, had to admit that the laptop had disappeared with his most important information: the naughty/nice list.
“Rest assured,” Santa, who is famously camera-shy, said in a hastily written press release, “that we are doing everything in our power to find the laptop. In the meantime, Christmas, Inc. has taken steps to ensure that such a breach of security never happens again.”
“This is a terrible invasion of privacy,” responded Ontario Privacy Commissioner Ann Cavoukian. “The naughty/nice list doesn’t just contain the names of children and their current status as children in good standing. It contains their addresses, the schools that they go to and a detailed list of all of the good and bad acts that they have committed throughout their lives.
“This is an open invitation to identity theft!”
Setting aside the question of who would want to steal a six year-old’s identity, questions remain about the loss of the laptop. The Smoking Gut Web site has published a police report about an elf that was taken into custody on New Year’s Day for drunk and disorderly conduct. According to the report, he had groped women on the subway while drunkenly asking, “Happy New Year! Wanna see my special little gift?” The elf gave the police the name “Fodor Flostenkowski-Ritwick,” but his mug shots bear a striking resemblance to Rostenkowski-Flitwick.
Could one of Santa’s helpers have lost the laptop with the naughty/nice list while on a bender?
Santa was unavailable for comment. Santa’s lawyer, an elf named Germaine Grotowski-Amenable, however, was all too willing to comment. “You…you actually want my opinion? Nobody wants my opinion. You know, I only got my law degree to get some small measure of respect from the human beings around me. If I had known how little respect they have for lawyers. I would surely have stuck with my original training as an outdoor plumber. Still, you asked me a question – ME! – so that law degree might finally be paying off! You see…”
Fifteen minutes later, we gently tried to steer him back to the question. “Oh, this whole Rostenkowski-Flitwick/drunken elf losing sensitive information thing? Well, you gotta understand that it’s a cold, cruel world for an elf. You ever had to work on an assembly line? It’s mind-numbing physical labour, 18 hours a day – 20 in November and December. And, the pay sucks: three pieces of bread day and a bottle of wine every other week. On your one day off a year, you have to release a little steam. You see…”
That’s when we gave up on Grotowski-Amenable as a source for this article.
“With losses of sensitive information,” Cavoukian commented, “You often find that, no matter how good your security is, it is the human element that lets you down. Still…a drunken elf. Tsk tsk.”
Timmy, aged five and a half, said, “Does this mean that Christmas will be cancelled this year? Who is liable if it is? I mean, what legal responsibilities does Santa have to supply Christmas presents to all of us who have been good this year?” Behind this statement was an unspoken question: if Santa can’t give gifts at Christmas because he doesn’t have a working naughty/nice list, why should I bother being nice?
To forestall parental panic, another hastily written press release from Santa was put out that claimed that Christmas Inc. is offering a reward of five years of being put on the nice list regardless of your behaviour and three fulfilled gift wishes (maximum value: $1,000) for information that leads to the return of the missing laptop. Christmas Inc. wants children everywhere to know that it is currently compiling a new naughty/nice list from backups it had at its North Pole headquarters, and that it should be able to satisfy the needs of at least 95% of its customers by the end of the year.
Speaking for children everywhere, Timmy commented, “Well, this just blows.”