Once upon a time there was a young girl named Snow White —
“You can’t write that.”
“Excuse me?”
“You can’t tell a story about somebody named Snow White.”
“Why not?”
“Naming the heroine of your story ‘White’ can be seen as a slur against members of other races. Young children are impressionable, you know. They pick up on these things. We would strongly suggest that you change the name to something neutral.”
“You want me to call my heroine Snow Neutral?”
“That’s certainly an improvement. But the name ‘Snow’ suggests whiteness — you know, as in ‘pure as the driven’ and all that. And that brings us back to our original complaint. We would suggest a different metaphor — say, sand.”
“Now it’s Sand Neutral?”
“We’re glad to see you’re willing to cooperate. Now, while we’re on the subject, you’ll have to do something about the main character’s castle.”
“What’s wrong with the castle?”
“It’s a classist reference. Not all of your readers live in families wealthy enough to be able to afford to live in castles — damn few, come to think of it. You don’t want your readers to feel inadequate, right? Of course you don’t. You should consider changing the setting to a small house, or…or a tenement…”
“A tenement!”
“Nobody would feel inadequate reading about somebody living in a tenement.”
“But Snow…Sand can’t live in a tenement! She’s a Princess!”
“Maybe her family has hit on hard times. Maybe…maybe they lost the family fortune in a stock swindle.”
“How many eight year-olds do you know who would understand what a stock swindle was?”
“Well, you know what I mean.”
“I’m not sure you understand the place of fantasy in the development of young children –“
“Oh, we understand the place of fantasy in the development of young children only too well. That’s why we’re suggesting these…improvements…”
“Listen, have you discussed this with my publishers?”
“We are your publishers.”
“Aah…”
“Now, about your references to dwarves…”
“I’m especially happy with those seven characters: they are positive portraits of hard-working men who lead fulfilling lives despite their height. And they add a little humour to the story.”
“Okay, okay, you can keep the characters.”
“Thank you.”
“But the term…dwarves. Couldn’t you call them something more sensitive, like — oh, I don’t know — vertically challenged?”
“You want me to change Snow White and the Seven Dwarves to Sand Neutral and the Seven Vertically Challenged…uhh, Masculinely Biased Persons?”
“Are you taking this seriously?”
“It’s my livelihood — of course I take it seriously.”
“Because, you know, this is frightfully important if we are going to create a truly egalitarian society. Once we have eliminated all forms of discrimination from the language –“
“You’ll start working on eliminated it from people’s minds?”
“Sigh…just when we were getting along so well…”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to give you a hard time. It’s just that, while I appreciate that there is a connection between language and our perception of reality, I can’t see how emasculating works of artistic merit is going to bring about the just society you claim to be working towards. By all means, educate the public, make them aware of the biases that appear in every artist’s work. Try to persuade artists to educate themselves. And fight discrimination wherever it manifests itself. But leave artists free to create.”
“Oh, dear. We do seem to be working at cross-purposes. You know, I put a lot of effort into my 17 page single space typewritten list of suggested changes — you will at least consider making them, won’t you?”
“Do Canadian geese fly west for the summer?”
“I see. Ordinarily, I would point out that last comment was unfair to flightless winged mammals, but it would obviously be wasted on you. Go ahead, Mister Grimm! Write whatever you wish!”
“Thank you.”
“I’m already late for next appointment. I have a list to discuss with Willard…no, William Shakespeare. Now, there’s a hard case!”