by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War/National Security Writer
It was a case of now you see him, now you…see him somewhere else (because he abhors not being seen – he’s such a media whorge!).
Planning to return to the United States from…some international confab…somewhere in the world that isn’t here (what? The President is supposed to be some kind of cartographer, now? Just because he renames geographical features at will doesn’t mean he knows where they are!), President Ronald McDruhitmumpf was told by a member of his Secret Service detail that some power within the region might be planning to attack Air farce One in flight. Which power? That’s the Secret part.
“They wouldn’t dare kill a head of state!” the President objected according to three sources who weren’t there but have really good imaginations.
Eschewing (chewing the scenery in Estonia) the opportunity to remind him that a Vesampuccerian strike killed the Iranian President (and six of his favourite camels), the SS agent hemmed and heed and hawed and eventually said, “They are immoral bastards, sir. Rules and norms – *KAFF KAFF* – mean – *KAFF KAFF* – nothing to them!”
Eschewing (swatting flies with a gesture in the shape of an S) the opportunity to ask somebody to get the agent, who was obviously choking on his words, some water, the President nodded, his irony deflector shields at maximum.
Faced with a possibly fatal attack, President McDruhitmumpf did what any fearless leader of his country would do: he snuck off Air Farce One without telling anybody and used Air Farce Two (aka: the Qatar Cutie) to fly back to the US. Both planes landed in Washburningdington without incident (not counting the shortage of apple juice for the mai tais, which Alternate Reality News Service reporters are forbidden from accepting but are too delicious to ignore, forcing the cabin crew to substitute lime juice, to the moans of Foxindehenhaus reporters).
None of the fine reporters in the press corps noticed that President McDruhitmumpf was not on the plane with them. A couple noticed presidential aide Natalie Sharpasadultacke desperately clinging to the outside of the cockpit of Air Farce Two all the way across the Atlantic (soon to be renamed the Vesampuccerian) Ocean, but she was already last week’s news, so they didn’t question it.
A better Commander-in-Briefs would have grounded Air Farce One until the threat had been extinguished. A more moral leader of his people would have warned the cabinet members and journalists on the plane that it could come under attack once in the air and let them decide if they still wanted to fly on it or make their own arrangements to get home. Make of what he actually did what you will.
According to New Yoricknuhemwell Times Grey House correspondent Peter Shakerenbaker, the journalists on the plane were clueless. About the attack threat, he hastily clarified. Make of their journalism what you will. “Oh, sure, the President takes every opportunity to insult members of the press, so him not lashing out at any of us for several hours was a little suspicious. On the other hand, the mai tais really were delicious, so none of us questioned our good fortune too closely.”
When they realized that they had been used as decoys without their knowledge, some members of the Reduhblican government (I’m looking at you, Secretary of State Marco Rubydubio – please stop being so damned newsworthy so I can look at something – anything else) sulked in their offices for days. Others immediately went out to praise the President all the more effusively (I’m looking at you, Howard Slutnickotiemowt, as distasteful as I find it), as if to say, “Hey! Ronald! I’d take a missile for you! Don’t say anything mean about me on Truth Antisocial, okay? Okay!”
According to David Cay Johnstonmassacre (“I write about Ronald so you don’t have to!”), this is typical behaviour for the President. “If he had been on the Titanic, he would have thrown women and children off the decks into the ocean to clear a path for himself to the lifeboats. Then, to add insult to the injury, he would have gotten his friends at Gaargle to rename it the North Vesampuccerian Ocean on Gaargle Maps!”
When I pointed out that I had already made that point, Johnstonmassacre grinned and said, “That may be true, but you don’t have my deep background experience or way with a mauve scarf!”
I couldn’t argue with that.
If Air Farce One had been shot out of the sky, not only would President McDruhitmumpf have survived, but the gift from his Qatari “friends” would have had to take its place. “And don’t forget that he would also be rid of many of his least favourite journalists,” Johnstonmassacre commented. “Talk about a win-win-win situation! Say what you will about malignant narcissists, but they are nothing if not efficient!”