The Royal Ontario Museum is getting a facelift! Although, actually, the changes are happening to the side of the building, so it’s more like a tummy tuck. Except the building is actually getting larger, not smaller, so maybe it’s more of a tummy bloat (now, there’s an operation you don’t hear about every day!). But, really, the new addition is set to become the entrance, so it’s more like taking your face and transplanting it onto your stomach. Except, that’s not it, either, because the original entrance is still there, so it’s like transplanting somebody else’s face onto your stomach while keeping your original face.
At this point, the architectural-medical metaphor completely breaks down.
The Michael Lee-Chin Crystal, as it is officially known, was not named after the comic book hero in the Fairly Odd Parents cartoon, but for the person who donated the money that made the museum addition a reality. Just think. For a mere $30 million, Lee-Chin’s name will forever be associated with a four story tall twelve dimension pair of dice. His family must be very proud (especially if they’re twelve dimensional beings with a gambling problem).
The opening of the Crystal may be the biggest cultural event in Toronto since…last week’s biggest cultural event in Toronto. And, to think, I was there to document it!
In this photo taken during the construction of the ROM addition, the architectural-medical metaphor seems obvious, but I’ve already beaten that dead horse to within an inch of its life, so why don’t we take it as given and move on?
People attending the opening ceremonies for the ROM’s Crystal flee in terror from the comic stylings of Paul Gross and Sean Cullen. Oh, the humanity! The RCMP is reportedly considering using the pair as crowd control for protesters at international summits held in Canada, but only if they agree to write their own material.
The addition to the museum too angular for you? Think of it as the supermodel of local buildings: everybody is jealous of its cheekbones (they’re so straight you could use them to measure right angles!), but, instead of just admitting it, they make snarky comments about eating disorders.
I know, I know. It looks like somebody took some of those crystals from Superman’s Fortress of Solitude and threw them at the ROM. What…what do you mean you don’t see it? Superman. Fortress of Solitude. Really? You don’t see it at all? Ask your 12 year-old nephew – I’ll bet she laughs her ass off at this cultural reference.
Okay, how about this: it’s like the monster bursting out of John Hurt’s chest in the original Alien. It’s a metaphor for how postmodernism has burst out of the corpse of modernism, but with less acid-laced blood and fewer gruesome deaths.
Is it possible to be a man, you know, a real man, all macho and shit, and still like architecture? Hard to tell. The sculpture with Lee-Chin’s name in front of the building stands tall, firmly erect one might say. On the other hand, it’s red, blood red. Perhaps it’s just a representation of the gender confusion of the city, but, does he know that?
Where you may see an empty room, I see the absolute expression of negative space. No, I am not a complete bullshit artist, I am a postmodern cultural theorist. However, it can be a fine line, so I understand your confusion.
The problem with negative space is that our lives are already filled with so many dark, negative things. Fear not! I’ve got just the thing to brighten up that wall! What? Oh, don’t be cruel! This may be the only way I’ll ever see my art in the museum!
Unfortunately, the extreme makeover of Bloor Street into Fifth Avenue doesn’t start until the other side of Queen’s Park, so the view from the Crystal is mostly of fast food joints across the street. Anybody hungry?
To get a better sense of just how radical the change to the ROM is, alternate focusing one eye on the image on the left and the other eye on the image on the right. Left. Right. Left. Right. At the point where the two images merge, immediately see a psychotherapist, because you are obviously experiencing a psychotic break.
Coda: While taking pictures through the windows in the gift shop on the first floor of the ROM, I was approached by an elderly gentleman who asked me to take his picture with a younger woman. Why not? After I did, he thanked her and she walked away with her friends. The man explained to me that he had recently had heart surgery, and that he had decided as a result that he would do what he felt like and not be concerned about the consequences. When I mentioned that I had also had heart surgery fairly recently, he couldn’t believe it. So, there we were, two strangers, undoing the top buttons of our shirts in the Royal Ontario Museum gift shop so we could compare each other’s heart surgery scars.
You have to love this city.