by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Why do people like roller coasters? Is it the rush of wind through their hair, which reminds them of sticking their head out the window as their car careened down the highway in a previous life as a dog? Is it the gentle rocking as the coaster makes its way up a ramp, which reminds them of being dandled (yes, it is a word – I don’t make all the unusual ones up, you know) on their father’s knee when they were infants? Is it the dread of experiencing a sudden and painful death if somebody makes one wrong move, which also reminds them of being dandled (still a real word) on their father’s knee when they were infants?
Don’t ask me. Anything more energetic than teacups makes my stomach heave worse than Jupiter’s massive anticyclonic storm.
You might think that people who enjoy roller coasters would love the last week of stock market twists and turns, which could be accurately described as the Leviathan of modern finance. Oh, sure. You might think that the moon is actually a conspiracy by friends of filmmaker Oliver Niestonewallander to periodically hide NASA missions to land on the sun. You think a lot of things; that doesn’t mean they’re all true. Or even make sense.
When Ronald McDruhitmumpf took office, the stock market dipped, as if to say, “This guy’s bad news. Have you seen what he’s said about imposing tariffs on the world? Oy!” Within a few days, the stock market had regained all of what it had lost and was slowly, uncertainly rising, as if to say, “Aww, he’s okay. He’s talked a lot of smack about foreign countries, but he doesn’t seem to be off his head from having injected any of it it, so things’re gonna work out.”
Then, Libation Day happened. Tariffs on 180 countries, and the tariff on China was so nice, McDruhitmumpf levied it twice.
The day the tariffs were enacted, stock markets around the world plummeted. And this wasn’t a sugar plummeting, either: it was off a cliff and straight to the bottom. If you enjoy the Kingda Ka, this was the thrill of a lifetime.
At least, it would have been if not for the fact that the next day, the markets kept falling. You know how, in bad horror movies, when somebody runs towards a door, it telescopes away from them? That’s what happened to the markets. The only thing that stopped them was a weekend.
Over the weekend, various officials in the McDruhitmumpf administration went on TV and posted to social media variations of: “I know the ride may seem terrifying now, but when you finally get to the end of it, think of how grateful you will be to be alive!” One or two even went so far as to add: “Now would be the perfect time for you to buy a ticket to get on the ride again when this one is over.”
On Monday, the stock markets continued to fall, which tells you all you need to know about how effective the weekend punditry was. As people saw their life’s savings evaporate, they wondered how grateful they actually would be if they survived the ride.
The controlled discomfort of the roller coaster was giving way to fearful panic when a rumour that the tariffs were about to be called off started making the rounds of social media. With a sigh of “Oh, my Gord, we survived!” the stock market rocketed upwards.
Unfortunately, somebody in the Grey House noticed the rumour and stated, “What? No. The tariffs are not about to be called off. What the hell gave you that idea?” And the roller coaster plummeted anew.
The next day, the stock market continued to drop. Ordinarily, this would cause the bond market to rise, as investors put their money into something they deemed safe. Not this time: the bond market began to drop in tandem with the stock market. If you looked away, hoping for some good news to divert your attention, what you saw was a parallel roller coaster on which you were screaming your head off.
Not very reassuring.
In the face of this defeat, President McDruhitmumpf declared victory: “Forty-three – no, 57 – no, 70 – 70 countries have called us and said, ‘Let’s make a deal!’ The tariffs have succeeded. So, I will be pausing them for 90 days to let negotiations run their course.”
After this announcement, both markets plummeted upwards. It took a couple of days for them to realize that the President’s announcement just put the tariffs back to what they were before Libation Day and, in any case, the 90 day reprieve meant uncertainty as to what will happen for the next three months.
The thrill ride continues.