The chances of Justice William Rhenquist not becoming the latest Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States were about as good as the chances of Ozzy Osbourne becoming the next Roman Catholic Pope. It wasn’t that it was impossible; it just would have altered most of our commonly accepted natural laws (and many unnatural ones to boot).
During his Congressional confirmation hearings, Rhenquist was shown to have signed two separate leases to houses that forbid their resale to minority group members (one to Jews, the other to blacks). Rhenquist claimed he was unaware the leases contained such clauses, avowing that, as a Supreme Court judge, he was well aware that they were unconstitutional.
Taken at face value, Rhenquist’s claim seems dubious. An experienced lawyer and judge not knowing (by heart!) every single clause in a contract he himself had signed? Such an action would indicate that Rhenquist had at least one human attribute thought bred out of lawyers centuries ago: the ability to trust another person.
In fact, Rhenquist’s professed ignorance of these clauses could be akin to…well, imagine, if you will, the following Congressional transcript:
SENATOR JAKE DARN: You are god almighty?
GOD: Yes, I am.
DARN: Creator of all things?
GOD: That is correct.
DARN: The god of the bible, testaments old and new?
GOD: That’s right. Look, is this really necessary?
DARN: I’m sorry, but I’m trying to make certain that there is no question as to your identity. Now, you are said to have created the heavens and the earth. Is that correct?
GOD: Yes, I did. You see, a timeless time of nothing was beginning to get on my nerves, so I thought it would be a good idea to –
DARN: Mr. Chairman, please direct the witness to answer the question.
GOD: But, I –
CHAIRMAN: Please, just answer the question as simply as possible.
GOD: Sorry.
DARN: How long did the creation take?
GOD: Six days.
DARN: And, are those days as we understand them, or were they longer?
GOD: I…umm… (garbled) My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question on the grounds of the 47th Amendment.
DARN: The 47th Amendment?
GOD: That’s right. That’s the one that will guarantee a sense of mystery and wonder in the world.
DARN: Well, umm, would it be safe to say that you took a lot of care in the preparation of the universe?
GOD: Yes. That would be correct.
DARN: Then, how do you explain the existence of…cockroaches?
GOD: Cockroaches? I – cockroaches?
DARN: Mr. Chairman, I submit this example of a cockroach as evidence to this body. Does the witness deny the existence of cockroaches?
GOD: I…no. Obviously, cockroaches do exist.
DARN: And, did you, in fact, create cockroaches?
GOD: I…I don’t remember.
DARN: You mean to have us believe that you are god, all-knowing, all-powerful, who created the entire cosmos, the world and all the living things on it, and you don’t remember if you created cockroaches?
GOD: I…I wasn’t aware of them when I created the world. No.
DARN: Do you believe in cockroaches, Mr. god?
GOD: Oh, no. Not at all. They’re vile, nasty creatures, with no purpose other than to offend the senses of innocent men and women.
DARN: As the Constitution clearly states. And, yet, when you created the Garden of Eden, you claim that cockroaches were created without your express knowledge or consent?
GOD: That, umm, is correct.
DARN: But, other than cockroaches, that one exception, you were fully aware of what you were creating, yes?
GOD: Yes. I am god, all-knowing –
DARN: Then, you admit being responsible for leeches? (pause) I will ask again: were you responsible for the creation of leeches?
CHAIRMAN: The witness will please answer the question.
GOD: I…I don’t remember. (uproar)
Alright, Congressional hearings may not be the best place to get to the truth of a matter. In any case, I believe that US Chief Justice William Rhenquist is not a racist.
And, I’m sure Ozzy Osbourne will look good in a surplice, too.