Ladies and gentlemen, Reverend Oral “Pat” Righteous:
“Friends, I have looked into the eyes of President Donald Trump. It was on a trip to Mar-a-Lago. I knew that Donald Trump was a righteous man because he gave me a righteous deal on a suite of rooms for a weekend, a deal that included poolside drink service and a free all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet. But when I looked into his eyes, I saw something I wasn’t expecting. I saw God. Again.”
Beebo Ehrentraut squinted really hard from the back of the megachurch, barely making out the figure of Reverend Righteous pacing the stage. He could have looked at one of the huge screens on either side of the stage, but he vaguely recalled something about false idols, and, anyway, that seemed like cheating. What was that about Donald Trump’s eyes? Whenever Beebo saw the man on television, his eyes looked like they contained grey skies and despair. Still. the Church of the Crucified Fish had given his life purpose and meaning, and he would credit Reverend Righteous’ observations before his own.
“Now, I will admit that Donald Trump is not a perfect man. He philanders. He lies. He plots insurrections against the government. But they aren’t insurrections of the body so much as they are insurrections of the spirit. I’m talking about a battle for the soul of America, folks. Because Donald Trump is God’s chosen vessel for that battle. He may be a cracked vessel. His glaze may no longer shine because of repeated exposure to soapy water in the dishwasher. There may be a dark ring at his bottom that no amount of scrubbing can remove. It doesn’t matter. God chose Donald Trump as His vessel. God was obviously having a ‘mysterious ways’ moment, but who are we to question Divine will?”
69 year-old Mina Echevarian wasn’t what you would call “political.” She faithfully attended the Church of the Crucified Fish because Reverend Righteous explained the stupid, complicated world in ways she understood. Comforting ways. But if Donald Trump was God, well, she would just have to get up the gumption to go and vote for him the next time he ran for office. Just as soon as she learned how. But how hard could voting be? They let just anybody do it!
“If Donald Trump is God’s chosen vessel to work out His will on Earth, that means attacks on the President are not merely attacks on a flawed, deeply flawed, oh could he be any more flawed?, man. No! Attacks on Donald Trump are attacks on God Himself! Now, it is true that the Lord Jesus advised his followers to turn the other cheek when slapped. But he said nothing about what we should do the second time we are slapped. Of course, as a result of the second slap, our first cheek is now back to being exposed. At this point, we should – no, we must do whatever we have to to protect our face!“
Yes! thought Manny Squidjelman. For too long, Satanic pedophiles had been infiltrating the American government intent on destroying the greatest country the world had ever known with woke culture (if girls were meant to be superheroes, they wouldn’t have been built to have children! You never see Superman having children – case closed!), and revisionist history (slavery wasn’t as bad as they say it was! Not in the history I was taught!). It’s about time somebody did something!
“Friends, it is often said that we must put our faith in the Lord. However, it is more oftener said that the Lord helps those who help themselves. So, in this time of our country’s dire need, we must help ourselves. To guns. And ammunition. And land mines. And rocket launchers. The United States of America was founded as a Christian nation – all this talk of the separation of Church and state was just Thomas Jefferson making a little joke that has gotten way out of hand. As the Good Book says, we must ensure that the United States remains a Christian nation by any means necessary!”
After he lost his job on the assembly line (he knew he shouldn’t have had that last beer before closing time, but he was feeling good, and, anyway, Harold was going to retire in a couple of months), Gideon White had survived on a diet of personal grievance and Fox News commentary. But listening to Reverend Righteous, he felt happy, almost giddy, for the first time in years. Now he had something to aim for. Now he had something to do. Now, he had a target.
“I hope you will take my words in the spirit in which they were intended. And now, if you will all rise, please join the Church of the Crucified Fish Choir in our rendition of the hymn, ‘O God of Love, O King of Peace’…”