Good evening.
Our top story tonight: with the fall of Baghdad and the imminent demise – I’ve always wanted to say that on a national broadcast. Imminent demise. It rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? – the imminent demise of Saddam Hussein’s regime, an orange “gloat alert” has been called for in Washington. “Let me just say,” a positively giddy Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, wearing a party hat and constantly shaking the confetti out of his hair, remarked, “We rule! Ha ha, suckers! Can’t touch dis!” Press Secretary Ari “Nyaah, Nyaah, In Your Face, Demented Dictator!” Fleischer said, well, what this paragraph’s nickname implies. We should remember, though, that being able to do something doesn’t make it right. I can steal candy from a 12 year-old girl – if she isn’t too muscular…and I approach her from behind – but that doesn’t make it right. Even if it is Toblerone.
At the same time, Press Secretary Ari “Catch Me (In a Lie) If You Can” Fleischer” bolstered the administration’s argument that Iraq was storing its weapons of mass destruction in Syria by releasing aerial reconnaissance – photos from above to you and me – of half a dozen U-Haul vans driving down a highway. When White House correspondent Helen Thomas suggested the pictures looked like they were taken on a stretch of Interstate leading out of Texas, Fleischer denied that they actually showed President George Junior’s move to Washington.
If I was a Syrian, I would check to make sure my life insurance premiums were up to date.
With the war all but over, what is there left for American troops to do? To find out, let’s go to Chrissie Rainitpour, reporting live from Tommy Franks’ anus. Chrissie?
“Rex, the peace seems to be off to a rocky start, with reports of widespread looting from all of Iraq’s major liberated cities. I’m speaking with Sergeant Washington Jefferson -“
“Yo! Tha’s Jefferson Washington.”
“Sorry. Under stress, I sometimes become nomially dysfunctional. Sergeant Washington, you’ve been in Baghdad for a couple of days, now – tell me, what have you seen?”
“They’s animals, man! They be takin’ everything tha’s not set in concrete! Cases of beer, televisions sets – even though they’s got no electricity – life-size bronze heads of an Akkadian king – they’s takin’ all of it, whether they needs it or not! I mean, whattya gonna do wid a life-size bronze head of an Akkadian king?”
“And, what are American soldiers doing about it?”
“Oh, sure, we be getting’ our share.”
“What? That’s a war crime!”
“Oh, ah, I meant we be doin’ our share. Doin‘, see? Our part. For, like, the peace and shit.”
“Uhh, Sergeant Washington, I couldn’t help but notice that you’re carrying an old sword. Surely, that’s not standard iss -“
“Family heirloom.”
…
“Uhh…I see. And, the ashtray sticking out of your pocket?”
“They ain’t no ashtray in my pocket, ma’am.”
“The one with the insignia of the Iraqi Presi -“
“They ain’t no ashtray in my pocket, ma’am. But, if they was, I would say it’s the gummint’s own damn fault for cuttin’ $15 billion from veteran’s affairs while we was out fightin’. Know wha’ I’m sayin?”
“I hear you, soldier. From Tommy Franks’ anus, this is Chrissie Rainitpours.”
According to Donald “Runny” Rumsfeld, the looting was not a problem. “It’s untidy. And, freedom’s untidy. And, free people are free to make mistakes and commit crimes and do bad things.” Then, he added: “Free. Freebase. Free to be me. Free prize in every box of Democracy Flakes, now Military-enriched! Listen to Skynyrd’s “Free Bird.” Freedom’s just another word for nothing’s left to steal. Democracy in 30 years, or it’s free!” Fortunately, his message mono-mania soon passed, and everybody was fr – uhh, able to get on with the press conference.
We have been receiving complaints about the graphic nature of our coverage of the war. Sorry about that. To save the delicate sensibilities of viewers why may be squeamish, Deadline News will not be showing: eight year-old children with their arms and/or legs blown off; women with first degree burns over 70 per cent or more of their bodies; streets covered in blood, or; disembodied heads half buried in rubble. For those of you who are still troubled by our coverage, press ALT1 on your converter. To those of you who have digital cable, I will appear as a warm and fluffy puppy. For those of you who were hoping to see more carnage, press ALT2, and the crawl at the bottom of the screen will quote lengthy passages from the Old Testament.
Who is General Jay Garner, retired, one of the men President George Junior has tapped to run Iraq after the war? Deadline News correspondent Andy Miranda interviewed Garner – here is an axcerpt:
“Sir, a lot of people have been wondering why you were chosen to help run post-war Iraq…”
“Well, son, the thing you gotta understand about inertial guidance systems is that they don’t just help in target acquisition, but they also help stabilize the missile in-flight, making unexpected touchdown much less likely.”
“Oh. Ah. Okay. Most recently, you worked for a company that produces guidance systems for American missiles. Do you think the people of Iraq will want to cooperate with a man who built a crucial component of the bombs the United States dropped on them?”
“Onboard computers make a world o’ difference because they allow the missile to home in on targets, an unparalleled advance in ordnance.”
“But, what if you’ve misidentified the target, or if there are a lot of civilians in the vicinity of the target you have chosen?”
“I’m just a good old boy doing his duty for his country.”
And, so it went for 25 minutes. Expect us not to air the full interview soon unless we desire to commit Neilsen hari kiri.
In sports, the odds of which country will be the next target of the United States change practically daily. Iran, 3-1 favourites mere days ago, have now dropped to 11-2. The odds on favourite is now Syria, at 5-2. France and Germany are both holding steady at 25-1. And, for those of you who enjoy long-shots, peace is currently at 1,000-1, and dropping.
Wow, the war really is infiltrating every aspect of life.
And, now, a Deadline News editorial. Much has been made of the differences between Americans and Canadians in the past few weeks, but I would like to suggest that we have at least one thing in common. When the United States disagrees with another country, a substantial number of Americans rally around the President. When Canada disagrees with another country, a substantial number of Canadians rally around the American President. So, please, let’s stop fixating on our differences.
Well, that’s my opinion, anyway.
And, finally, all of the news this week was about the war on Iraq – why wasn’t this a Deadline News Special Report?
Good night. Or, we’ll be back after this commercial break with more news. Whatever.