by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
As her days in office dwindle to a precious few, many pundits have wondered if President Palin will be pardoning anybody who authorized or took part in the “internal renditions” process. When asked about this, the outgoing President responded, “Why would I? As far as I’m concerned, making citizens disappear is one of the Constitutional powers of the President. And, if the new President disagrees, well, gosh darnit, she can indict us!”
President-elect Chelsea Clinton has not stated a position on the issue of investigating and prosecuting members of the Palin administration for crimes against the Constitution (not to mention humanity). However, at least six members of her transition team have stated off the record, “No.” “Hell, no!” and “Are you out of your freaking mind? NO!”
Although opponents of the Palin government cite many potential indictable offenses – everything from starting a disastrous war with Finland after recategorizing lutefisk as a weapon of mass destruction to collecting digital recordings of every phone call in the world, mashing many of them up and selling the resulting tracks to European dance clubs – the one most cited is the practice of internal rendition. At first, it was believed that this was the practice of detaining American citizens on American soil without charges and subjecting them to harsh interrogation techniques in CIA black prisons concentrated, for some inscrutable reason, in Idaho. In more innocent times, this was known as “kidnapping” and “torture”
However, within the last couple of years, evidence has surfaced to suggest that people under internal rendition are actually disassembled on the molecular level by a laser on an orbiting platform, leaving nothing but a wisp of smoke and a hint of jasmine. “When they disappear,” one CIA insider stated, “they stay disappeared!”
When President Palin was asked if she had the authority to develop the internal rendition programme, she winked and said “You betcha.” It was the shortest Presidential press conference on record.
At his first public appearance as official Clinton administration Press Secretary, Andy Dick was asked about why there were no plans to investigate these crimes. “Ooh! You have the nerve to ask that question wearing that tie? You bitch!” he responded. Then, after a moment’s reflection, he added: “Okay, look. The previous administration’s war on Finland, which apparently had something to do with remaking the political landscape in the Scandinavian countries, has cost the United States a gabrillion dollars. You heard me right: a gabrillion dollars. We’re in the middle of the worst economic crisis since the stone age! So, I think President elect Clinton has more important things to worry about than the evisceration of the Constitution!”
It has been suggested that neither Palin, Vice President Samuel Wurzelbacher nor Daniel Cowart and Paul Schlesselman, co-secretaries of Homeland Defense, had the levels of malice and animal cunning necessary to come up with the internal rendition programme on their own. However, former Vice President Dick Cheney has been dead for over a decade, so, although the programme certainly had his fingerprints all over it, his participation seemed unlikely.
That is, until yesterday afternoon, when it was revealed that Palin had been channeling Cheney’s spirit on Ouija.org since at least the second year of her first term. “Oh, don’t be silly,” Palin dismissed the report. “Dick and I were just exchanging hunting tips and moose stew recipes, doncha know!”
When, in her own press conference, President-elect Chelsea Clinton was asked if the Palin administration would have been emboldened to act as it did if the Barack Obama administration hadn’t given a free pass to members of the George W. Bush administration on such issues as torture, extraordinary rendition and lying about the need for the Iraq War, she responded, “Well, you might as well ask if the George W. Bush administration would have been emboldened to act as it did if my dad hadn’t given the Reagan and first Bush administrations a free pass on things like Iran-contra and Passport-gate.”
The reporters in the room looked at each other for a couple of minutes. When it looked like somebody might, however tentatively, actually ask that question, Clinton brusquely stated, “It was a rhetorical question. Geez, people, the world is going to hell – we don’t have time or energy to dredge up the scandals of the past!” and walked out of the room.
It was the second shortest Presidential press conference on record.