by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
An old tradition in Vesampucceri is for a politician to hold a town hall meeting where constituents can offer their opinions on the issues of the day and ask questions. An even older Vesampuccerian tradition is for politicians to ignore what their constituents tell them at town hall meetings and vote the way party bosses tell them to.
What do you do when your constituents go beyond telling you things you don’t want to hear to hiss, boo, jeer and otherwise be unpleasant? The Reduhblican Party has decided that tradition is all fine and well when it comes to keeping white women pumping out babies in service to their husbands, but holding town halls? Not so much.
“They were animals!” said Reduhblican Representative Chuck Tingellyedwords (North Carilexas). “I was just pointing out to them that all of the VA and other government workers who were being fired by DOPE could find jobs replacing illegals picking fruit, and they started shouting, calling me names and throwing feces! And I just had that suit cleaned!”
“I thought my constituents would be thrilled that we would be cutting taxes,” said Reduhblican Senator Roger Marshallawshucksmam (Kansifornia). “Oh, sure, we had to cut jobs to cut taxes, but that was what we ran on – we had a mandate to do that! The anger in the room was so palpable I…I soiled myself. And I just had that suit cleaned!”
In response to the rancour constituents brought to town hall meetings, the Reduhblicans did the only thing they could. They – what? Moderated their policies so that they were more in line with what the electorate wanted them to do? Oh, bless your naivety! Never grow old. By which I mean, do grow old enough to marry and have children and earn a living. Just don’t let go of your innocence (the system runs on most people’s naive belief that it’s fair).
No, they were told by Party leadership to stop holding town meetings.
When Reduhblican constituents showed up in town halls, trashing them when they were frustrated in their goal of trashing their representatives, the party had to reconsider its position. The fact that the Dumboprats were running ads in Reduhblican districts incorporating AI images of Reduhblican politicians’ heads grafted onto the bodies of chickens did not help.
So, Senator Thom Rototillerus (North Carokota) held a town hall meeting. He was in a hall in one end of the state; his constituents had been told to meet at a hall at the other end of the state. “I could hear them jeering despite all of the distance between us,” Senator Rototillerus commented. “I was drinking a White Fenwickian when the ruckus started – I was so shocked, I spilled the beverage all over myself. My wife hated that suit, so I won’t bother cleaning it, but it’s the principle of the thing!”
“If I had a tiny violin for every Reduhblican who is crying over rejection by their constituents, I would have enough for an orchestra,” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam remarked. “A flea orchestra. Coming soon to a dog near you! Ha ha ha!”
A token smart person’s laughter can chill your marrow to a few degrees above absolute zero. After hearing it, I was shivering for weeks. If you hear them start to tell what sounds like a joke, derail it as quickly as possible.
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam went on to say that, given the way that Reduhblicans had been stoking Vesampuccerian anger, they were naive in thinking that it would not be turned on them. “Looks like leaders of the Capitalism Eats My Face Party never thought their constituents would be howling in hunger for their noses,” she commented. “It would be very satisfying if the image of all of these Reduhbicans without faces didn’t haunt my dreams.”
You might think that running away from your constituents (as Marshallawshucksmam did, only stopping after seven kilometres because his security detail couldn’t keep up with him) is bad optics (except in Alaskabama, where dogsled races led by politicians are almost as old a tradition as town hall meetings). How is the Reduhblican Party responding?
Not well.
“George Sorobororos has been flying woke antifa DEI-loving protesters in a private jet – not even economy class! – to disrupt Reduhblican town halls!” stated Wisconnecticut Representative Derrick Van Ordorfuden. “You know how you can tell? They always say the same thing, no matter where they are in the country. ‘Oh, I lost my job! That wasn’t supposed to happen!’ ‘Oh, my husband was arrested by ICES. That wasn’t supposed to happen!’ ‘Why hasn’t the price of eggs gone down? That was supposed to happen!’ I’ll start holding town halls when my actual constituents are there!”
What if the people showing up actually are his constituents? “I’m not worried,” Representative Van Ordorfuden answered. “Elon will give me enough money to win reelection!”