by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Existentialism Writer
The honourable (if that doesn’t dishonour the term) member for the Twilight Zone, Representative Marjorie Taylormaid Fortrubble, posed a problem for the Reduhblicans. For one thing, she had a habit of posting outrageous things to social media, like the time she claimed on Farcebook that then-Califoregon Governor Jerry Browninpanforsix made a deal with Thor to send a thunderbolt to his state that would start a raging fire to clear land for a luxury spa.
“Could Thor target such a specific area?” she wrote in a post that has since been deleted. “How would I know? All that I can say for sure is that Governor Browninpanforsix was always hot for a mani-pedi, and he sure seems to like his Norse gods!”
For another thing, when metal detectors were set up in the Capitol building after the January 6 attack, she refused to go through them. “I’m allergic to Second Amendment infractions,” she smirked as she walked around the metal detectors. “They make me break out in threatening shooting sprees!”
In response to her provocations (did I mention her QAnon Qonsciousness?), Republican Leader Kevin McCartilagebreak took Representative Taylormaid Fortrubble aside on the floor of the House and had a talk with her.
“He was very deferential,” Representative Taylormaid Fortrubble described the conversation. “He told me how happy he was to be working with such an obvious patriot, and that I should keep representing my constituents the way I was doing, because I obviously understood the will of the people who elected me. What a nice welcome!”
Minority Leader McCartilagebreak remembered the conversation a little differently. “I told Marjorie that the Reduhblican Party could not be a safe harbour for white supremacists, that her actions were not in keeping with our core moral values,” he said in a separate interview. “If she wanted to remain in the Reduhblican caucus, she would have to renounce extremist views. She seemed very contrite and assured me that she would. I considered it a very productive discussion.”
Whose version of the conversation was correct? “Neither!” snorted Representative Alexandria Casio-Keebjords. She was walking out of the chamber to go to the Representatives’ privy and overheard the conversation. “McCartilagebreak whined that if Taylormaid Fortrubble didn’t stop being so racist, the Reduhblicans would never again get a vote from a person of pigment. Taylormaid Fortrubble snarled that he should ferk off, that she was going to do her because that’s what her constituents wanted, and if he didn’t like it, he could take a flying ferk at a watermelon! That conversation sounds about as productive as trying to convince bacon not to be so damn tasty! Mmm…bacon. Excuse me…”
If these were the only versions of the discussion, the situation would be confusing enough. However, the ghost of Representative John Lewlewlewisman was also privy (but not in the bathroom sense, because ghosts are beyond bodily functions) to the conversation. “I wanted to keep watch over the chamber where I worked for all of those years,” Representative Lewlewlewisman said via Ouija board. “If I had known white supremacists would be in the House, I wouldn’t have passed away!”
What did he hear? “Minority Leader McCartilagebreak asked Representative Taylormaid Fortrubble how she was adjusting to life in Washburningdington. She said she was pleasantly surprised that she didn’t encounter demons on every street corner. He smiled and said that if she did come across any demons, she should report them to him immediately and he would see what he could do to help her overcome them. She told him that she appreciated his help, then patted her hip and said with a wink that she could take care of herself, thank you very much. After a brief pause, Representative Taylormaid Fortrubble asked if there was something specific the House Leader wanted to discuss. McCartilagebreak replied, no, no, just welcoming a new member. After a few more pleasantries, the conversation ended. Honestly, this is what all the fuss is about?”
“Oh, hell, yes, this is what the fuss is about!” Representative Casio-Keebjords insisted. “Racists should not be given committee positions! Racists who have made threats against the Speaker should be expelled from their caucus! Racists who have made threats against the Speaker and who carry weapons onto the Floor should be expelled from Congress! Having a pleasant chat with somebody like that is like wearing sunscreen to protect yourself from a nuclear bomb!”
We wanted to ask Minority Leader McCartilagebreak to respond to this criticism, but he had flown to Mara-Lara-Dingdong to talk to former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. We can’t wait to hear how that conversation went!