Sign posted in all Toronto Transit Commission buses: “The operator of this vehicle has been successfully selected and trained for his duties. He is required to comply with the law and to operate his vehicle with due regard to the comfort and safety of his passengers and other users of the road.”
The TTC, trying to live up to its slogan and be the better way, should be commended for supplying riders with this piece of admittedly unrequested information. Wouldn’t it be great if others we have to deal with were so considerate?
Sign over a man in a single’s bar: “The operator with this line hopes to be successfully selected and entertained for his troubles. He is required to comply with the rules of this bar, but not necessarily to operate with due respect for the desires and sensitivity of his contacts and other patrons of this establishment.”
Sign in a politician’s office: “The leader of this country has been successfully restrained and elected for his duties. He ought to comply with the law, extenuating circumstances not withstanding, and to lead his country with due regard to the financial and military security of its citizens and other livers on the world, whenever possible and taking into account all other factors which might render the above stated objectives void, meaningless or simply inoperable.”
Sign over a personal computer: “The programmer of this computer has been successfully educated and prayed for these duties. He is required to comply with the language of the system and to programme this computer with due regard for the storage capacity and complexity of its memory for other users of this disc.”
Sign in a living room: “The operator of this vacuum cleaner has been unfortunately selected and inadequately trained for her duties. She is required to comply with the wishes of her husband and her children and to operate this vacuum cleaner with due regard to the cleanliness and sanitation of her household for the others who live here.”
Sign on the wall of an office of the Ontario Film Review Board: “The operator of this projector has been carefully selected and trained because of his or her morals. He or she is required to interpret the law and operate his or her projector with due regard to community standards of offensiveness for users of this medium.”
Sign over the desk of a middle management executive: “The owner of this ulcer has carefully fought and risen to his present duties. He is required to comply with the orders of his superiors and to exercise his authority over his inferiors with due regard to the profit and security of his corporation and other executives of the company.”
Sign hung from an intellectual’s neck: “The philosopher with this ideology has not been successfully selected or trained for any duties. He is not required to comply with physical laws, nor to practice his philosophy with due regard to the logic or reasoning of previous philosophers or other users of the mind.”
Sign over the desk of a reporter for a certain tabloid newspaper: “The opinion of this writer has been successfully screened and strained of any relevance. He is supposed to comply with his editor and to opinionate in his column without regard to the reputation or safety of his subjects for the readers of this rag.”
Sign in a Bell Canada office: “The operator of this switchboard has been successfully selected and trained for her personality. She is required to complete any call and to operate her switchboard with due regard to promptness and courtesy for callers and other users of these lines.”
Sign in a child’s playroom: “The owner of this toy has been successfully toilet trained and obedient for this reward. He is required to go to bed early and to play with his toy with due regard to the comfort and ease of his parents and other members of the immediate family.”
Sign over a humourist’s typewriter: “The author of this article has been arbitrarily selected and trained for his duties. He is not required to comply with the laws of common decency and to write this article with due regard for the emotional comfort or intellectual safety of his readers and other users of this work.”
Well, perhaps we oughtn’t to get carried away.