We’ll Turn Up The Puppy Dog Eyes And You’ll Look Like A Bully
That Never Looks Good On You (Unless You Are A Bully, In Which Case, Take Whatever You Want, Just Don’t Touch The Face…)
“Picking a fight with Canada is not a path towards long-term success”
– Prime Minister Justin Trudeau
Peaceful Co-existence Never Tasted So Sweet!
“We’re like, ‘We’ll leave you alone. You leave us alone.’ They were nice bees. So, we were like, ‘Sure, go ahead, live in our shower.'”
– Stefanie Graham explaining why it took her so long to remove 80,000 bees, a seven foot tall hive and 100 pounds of honey from behind the shower wall in her room
Do They Not Teach Economics At Turtle U?
They Certainly Appear To Teach Hypocratics!
“I certainly don’t think any senators are rooting for a debt limit crisis that could put our full faith and credit at risk.”
– Mitch McConnell, 2019
“Let’s be clear. With a Democratic president, a Democratic House and a Democratic Senate, Democrats have every tool they need to raise the debt limit. It is their sole responsibility. Republicans will not facilitate another reckless, partisan taxing and spending spree.”
– Mitch McConnell, 2021
You Didn’t Realize That The COVID Virus Was The Sponsor Of The Contest?
It Was Right There In The Fine Print!
“There was no social distancing… The organizer just left everybody, I don’t know who’s still here. All the flights have been cancelled… This turns out to be an expensive trip for something that was supposed to be free.”
– Rebecca St-Pierre, who won a trip to Cancun on Instagram and who tested positive for COVID-19 after a hard partying flight with other winners
Is Snout…A Euphemism For…Something?
“The snout was the biggest thing for me. I thought the snout looked quite floppy whereas I would have drawn the snout to be more proud and erect.”
– Chloe Chapdelaine, who replaced Canada’s moose-crossing signs with a new version, coming soon to a Canadian highway near you
So Much For The Bozo Defense
“This is going to be a misdemeanour from hell for Merrick Garland, Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden.”
– Steve Bannon after making his first appearance in court to face contempt of Congress charges
“Clowns are not above the law.”
– sign held by a protester outside the courthouse where Bannon appeared
How Many Republicans Can Dance On A Pinhead?
“These grants were among the 9% of funds dedicated to COVID-19 relief that I was always in support of. Regardless of any particular vote, I’m going to help individuals, small businesses and nonprofit organizations get funding they are entitled to.”
– Republican Representative Nicole Malliotakis explaining why she was taking credit for parts of the American Rescue Plan, which she voted against
Company Suggests Lighting A Candle In Their Memory
“They (the company) had from 6 o’clock to 9 o’clock to allow us to go home, to tell us really what was going on and that we needed to prepare ourselves for the worst… It was nothing like that. Not one supervisor told us what was really going on.”
– Haley Conder, who worked at a Kentucky candle factory where eight workers were killed by a tornado hours after the first tornado siren sounded
No, Your Decisions Show That The Court Has Been Captured By A Dangerous Cabal
The Shadow Docket Was Just The Icing On The Turd
“The catchy and sinister term ‘shadow docket’ has been used to portray the court as having been captured by a dangerous cabal that resorts to sneaky and improper methods to get its way. And this portrayal feeds unprecedented efforts to intimidate the court or damage it as an independent institution.”
– Justice Samuel Alito
Perhaps By Expressing It Less Colloquially?
“Omicron changes the water on the beans. I don’t know how to express it more emphatically than that.”
– New Brunswick Health Minister Dorothy Shephard
Rampaging Wild Boars – Is That What They’re Calling Democrats In Texas These Days?
“They’re relentless… They’re all over the southern US. My fear is, if they can’t shoot them all in Texas, we don’t have a chance.”
– Chris Buckholder on a group of rampaging wild boars
Just When You Thought Things Couldn’t Get Any Stranger
The Premier Talks Like He’s Never Heard Of Politics
“We’re they’re number one trading partner. Why would you go after your number one economic partner? For what? It’s going to hurt them just as much as it hurts us.”
– Ontario Premier Doug Ford on American protectionism
Right Accuses Fauci Of Calling Christ A Moron
Doctor Responds With More Profanities Than Listed In The OED
“What a moron. Jesus Christ!”
– Dr. Anthony Fauci, after questions about his personal finances by Republican Senator Roger Marshalls
Thirty Pieces Of Silver Buys A Lot Of Conscience, Joe
“Every Senator, Democratic, Republican and independent, will have to declare where they stand, not just for the moment but for the ages. Will you stand against voter suppression? Yes or no? Will you stand against election subversion? Yes or no? Will you stand for democracy? Yes or no?”
– President Joe Biden asking for the filibuster rules in the Senate to be changed to allow voting rights legislation to pass
Gives “A Taste Of Honey” A Whole New Meaning!
“I would be a little peeved if there were vaginas on a stick, even if it is an invitation to encourage and educate people about cunnilingus.”
– UofT associate professor of ethics and education Lauren Bialystok, reacting to Members Only, a store selling penis-shaped waffles
Editorial Writers Caught In An Ivise
“Perhaps the mere threat of a fine will incent a sizable share of unvaxxed Quebecers to finally step up and get their shots.”
– Toronto Star editorial
There Is No Joy In Trumpville
Mighty Donald Has Struck Out
“On another front, looks like Unjoy Reid, the racist commentator on MSDNC (MSNBC), is toast. Her stupidity is only surpassed by her absolute lack of television persona. She never had it, and never will. The only thing she’s good at is spewing racist hate but obviously, no one is listening!”
– who else? Donald Trump