And, Here I Thought You Wanted Stay At Home Mothers!
(Your Programme Certainly Won’t Be Keeping Any Fathers At Home…)
“You put me in charge of Medicaid, the first thing I’d do is get [female recipients] Norplant, birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we’ll test recipients for drugs and alcohol and if you want to [have children] or use drugs or alcohol, then get a job.”
– former Arizona Republican First Vice-chair Russell Pearce
Einstein Would Have Been Jealous
“He literally is a genius. We’ll be in bed and he’ll be doing the crossword puzzle. Every night, he tries to finish it in under 10 minutes.”
– Katy Perry on boyfriend John Mayer
Have You Explained This To The Widows?
“There is always going to be some margin of error in these types of operations.”
– US Army Colonel Steve Warren on air dropping supplies to allies in war zones in the Middle East
The Allegations And I Will Go Out For A Few Drinks, Have Some Laughs
Then Go Back To My Place For Some “Consensual” Violence
“I intend to meet these allegations directly.”
– Jian Ghomeshi
Why Women Don’t Go To The Police, EXHIBIT AAA:
“Go ahead and call the cops. They can’t un-rape you.”
– unnamed Texas police officer to a woman walking past his squad car
He’s Certainly Good At Making His Client’s Money Disappear…
“Let’s just say I’m a magical lawyer.”
– Muhammad-Danish Munir, a Toronto lawyer who defrauded a client with lies about bribing police
The Endorsement No Politician Wants To Read
“Doug ran a hell of a campaign. He’s a talent.”
– PC leader Tim Hudak on the man who wants to replace him
Yeah, Becoming A Darling Of The Right Makes For A Tough Life
“If you live in New York or L.A. and you’re liberal and you’re playing to a liberal crowd it’s almost like a rally. It’s not edgy. The true edge is what Dennis Miller did, and he’s been brutalized for it.”
– Dana Carvey
Presumption Of Innocence? It Was A Dishonour Killing…
“Not much than one year ago, she [Nasira Fazli] was killed – 48 stab wounds – by her husband, Feraidon Mohammad Ibrahem, who had been in this country for only a few months, sponsored by her.”
– Immigration Minister Chris Alexander pronouncing sentence in a case that hasn’t actually gone to trial yet
Aren’t You Responsible For Creating Enough Jobs So That People Don’t Have To Do That?
“Get some real-life experience even though you’re discouraged, even if it’s for free. If your parents are letting you live in the basement, you might as well go out and do something for free to put the experience on your CV.”
– Bank of Canada Governor Stephen Poloz
Or, As I Like To Call It: Massive Humour Fail
“As criminal lawyers, we represent people who have committed heinous acts. Acts of violence. Acts of depravity. Acts of cruelty. Or, as Jian Ghomeshi likes to call it, foreplay.”
– Marie Henein, Ghomeshi’s new lawyer
I’ve Tried It A Couple Of Times In My Films, And, Let Me Tell You, It Ain’t Easy!
“Real funny is human. It’s human foibles and human behaviour.”
– Mel Brooks
Do You Mean Effective And Popular?
“Net Neutrality is the Obamacare of the Internet.”
– Senator Ted Cruz
At Least Turkish Women Are Allowed To Drive…For Now…
“You cannot put men and women on an equal footing. It is against nature. They were created differently. Their nature is different. Their constitution is different.”
– Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan
When You Think About A Celebrity, You’re Actually Thinking About Somebody Who Lives In Complete Obscurity (And, The Sooner, The Better)
“When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple.”
– Jayden Smith
When It Comes To Messages From The Electorate, Selective Hearing Is Necessary To Being A Modern Republican
“[Presidents Reagan and Clinton after midterm losses] understood that the American people had elected divided government. We’d like for the president to recognize the reality that he has the government that he has, not the one that he wishes he had, and work with us.”
– Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell
“We’ve gotta challenge them on every single bill and challenge them on every single campaign.”
– oath top Congressional Republicans swore in a secret meeting on the night in January, 2009 when Barack Obama was inaugurated
What A Great Idea! Why Didn’t Somebody Think Of This A Decade Ago?
They Did? Why Wasn’t The Idea Implemented? …Oh…
“Everywhere I go, from Tofino to Thompson to Truro, parents tell me that finding a decent child-care spot is like winning the lottery. If they do find a spot, they often feel like they’ll actually have to win the lottery just to pay for it.”
– NDP leader Thomas Mulcair explaining the rationale for his party’s policy of universal daycare
Somebody Seems To Be Mixing Up Casualty And Effect
“She’s a product, not a person; a causality of her own success, and she’s falling.”
– Brad Wheeler review of Beyond the Lights in the Globe and Mail
Fans Probably Wouldn’t Do That If You Would Put Some Of The Great Players You’ve Had Before You On The Ice…
“If you want to boo us [that’s fine] – but you’re disrespecting all of the great players and the great teams that they’ve had before us…I think that’s pretty classless to throw your jersey on the ice like that.”
– Toronto Maple Lead Phil Kessel
“But, If We Can Make It Even Less Safe, Perhaps Those Dumb Women Who Get Involved In It Will Get The Message…”
“There is no way to make prostitution safe.”
– Justice Minister Peter MacKay
“I’m Not A Mathematician…I Just Add, Subtract, Multiply And Divide.”
“I am not a feminist…I believe in equality.”
– Salma Hayek
Is That Why He Only Meets With The Ones Who Agree With Him?
“[The] Prime Minister doesn’t look for conflict with provincial leaders.”
– Stephen Harper’s Communications Director Jason MacDonald