TRUMP WORLD
You Know What They Say: It’s Not The Size Of Your Inauguration That Matters…
“In my experience, no one with a big inauguration needs to say they have a big inauguration.”
– Michelle Wolf
The Freedom Caucus Had A Good Laugh Over This One
“Every critic, every detractor, will have to bow down to President Trump.”
– Director of Communication for the Office of Public Liaison Omarosa Manigault
CBO Also Finds That 24 Million Americans Will Lose Their Insurance
But, Just Like My Homeless Uncle Rupert, We Don’t Talk About That
“This report confirms that the American Health Care Act will lower premiums and improve access to quality, affordable care. CBO also finds that this legislation will provide massive tax relief, dramatically reducing the deficit, and make the most fundamental entitlement reform in more than a generation.”
– Speaker of the House Paul Ryan
A Word Of Advice, Kelly: Emolument Is Not Something You Cleanse Your Face With
“I’m going to give it a free commercial, here. Go buy it today.”
– White House adviser Kellyanne Conway on Ivanka Trump’s clothing line
The President Got His Understanding Of Nuclear Armageddon From A Dick And Jane Primer…
“We’re a very powerful nuclear country and so are they. I have been briefed. And I can tell you, one thing about a briefing that we’re allowed to say, because anybody that ever read the most basic book can say it, nuclear holocaust would be like no other. They’re a very powerful nuclear country, and so are we.”
– President Donald Trump
…And His International Policy Adviser Is Foreign Affairs Barbie
“Mosul is very, very difficult.”
– President Trump
Are You Disappointed Trump Won?
Now What Will You Do With All Those Fireworks?
“Liberals will have targets on their backs, as their behaviours are pretty much evident. Race wars will begin as well, as your skin color will be your uniform!”
– White Supremacist and (need I say it?) Donald Trump supporter Jim Moseley
“I Had Always Thought That The Agency’s Purpose Was To Do Whatever Drug Companies Told It To Do.”
I was “surprised” to discover “that the actual human beings at the Food and Drug Administration like science; they like curing disease and they actually like approving drugs and devices and biologics.”
– Jim O’Neill, under consideration by Donald Trump to head the FDA
I Would Say You’re One Of The Last People I Would Trust To Measure “Class,” But I Don’t Want To RooshV To Judgment
“I’m in a state of exuberance that we now have a President who rates women on a 1-10 scale in the same way that we do and evaluates women by their appearance and feminine attitude. We may have to institute a new feature called ‘Would Trump bang?’ to signify the importance of feminine beauty ideals that cultivate effort and class above sloth and vulgarity.”
– Pickup Artist (PUA) movement spokesidiot RooshV
It’s Easy If You’re Willing To Stiff The Guards For Their Wages And Dare Them To Sue You
“We spend $40 million a month maintaining [Guantanamo Prison]. I can guarantee you I could do it for a tiny, tiny fraction. I don’t mean like 39, I mean like maybe five, maybe three, maybe like peanuts.”
– President Trump
Andrew Dice Clay He Ain’t (Although He Gave It A Good Try In His Access Hollywood Comedy Debut)
“If he’s not joking, of course.”
– Press Secretary Sean Spicer affirming that everything President Trump says is true
THE REST OF THE WORLD
How Did You Survive All That Jumping Off A Bridge Because All Your Friends Were Doing It When You Were A Kid?
“I believe we have to synchronize with the United States. It would be kind of crazy-blind for politicians to say, ‘We don’t care what the United States is doing – full speed ahead.'”
– Kenneth Green, director of the natural resources centre at the Fraser Institute, on how Canada should respond to the Trump administration rolling back Obama era environmental protections
So, You Want It To Be The Opposite Of Brexit, Then?
“It would be unfair to the people of Scotland to ask them to make a crucial decision without the necessary information about our future relationship with Europe or what an independent Scotland would look like.”
– the British government refusing to enter into negotiations with Scotland for its independence
Because Killing 77 People Wasn’t Damaged Enough
“I have been damaged by the isolation…radicalization has been a consequence of it.”
– Norwegian mass murderer Anders Brievik on the effects of being isolated in prison
When You Have His Plummy Accent, You Can Get away With Saying Shite Like That
Women’s marches showed “the vile, crude, man-hating, violent, nasty side” of feminism.
– Piers Morgan
A Sad Case Of The Circus Running Away From A Girl To Join History
“Not only am I the first female ringmaster, now I’ll be the last ringmaster ever in Ringling Brothers history.”
– Kristen Michelle Wilson, who was told days after she had started that the circus would be closing
Thus Proving The Old Adage: Don’t Attribute A Stalled Career To Nazi Germany When It Can be Explained By Minimal Talent
“If you don’t believe what everybody believes, this is like thirties Germany.”
– Tim Allen on being a Conservative in Hollywood
“Hello, Mrs. Premise.”
“Hello, Mrs. Conclusion.”
“Been Sophistryin’?”
“Naaaooooooo. …Been Sophistryin’!”
“[There’s] no question that there was a very serious effort made by Mr. Putin and his government, his organization, to interfere in major ways with our basic, fundamental democratic processes. In some quarters, that would be considered an act of war.”
– former Vice President Dick Cheney
“There’s not any argument at this stage that somehow the election of President Trump was not legitimate.”
– also former Vice President Dick Cheney