He was the darling of the media, a little guy who traveled with Prime Minister Paul Martin for two months. Yet, in the time since he was returned to his grade four class, Flat Mark has virtually disappeared from the public eye. Les Pages aux Folles caught up with Flat Mark in his locker in North York and conducted a wide-ranging interview with him that touched on issues of life, love and political scandals.
Les Pages aux Folles: Tell us a little about Flat Mark.
Flat Mark: Not much to tell, really. I’m a piece of paper cut into the vague shape of a human being with features drawn onto me with pencil crayons. I was born three hours before my meeting with the Prime Minister.
LPAF: Why do you think the Prime Minister chose you?
FM: Are you kidding? I don’t talk, I can be kept in a back pocket and I humanize the Prime Minister in photo ops. I’m better than a trophy wife!
LPAF: You spent a lot of time with the Prime Minister. What is he really like?
FM: Oh, he’s a party animal! There was a night in Shebuctoo with Shania Twain, Anne Murray and 27 elk that would steam up the Internet if we were allowed to release the pictures! Then there was the time the Prime Minister drank Todd Mogilney under the table – man, could he put it away!
LPAF: Really?
FM: No. The Prime Minister really is the bloodless bureaucrat he appears to be.
LPAF: Really?
FM: Really. Paul Martin’s idea of a good time is to memorize revisions to the tax code.
LPAF: What did you think of the Prime Minister’s stated objective of improving health care and education?
FM: Honourable goals. I was proud to be in the pocket of a man with such vision.
LPAF: But, before he was Prime Minister, Paul Martin was finance Minister in the Chretien government. He was responsible for drastic cuts in health care and education in the name of debt reduction.
FM: I don’t believe it! That nice man?
LPAF: We’ve got pictures.
FM: I, uhh, guess it could have slipped his mind…
LPAF: Like he hopes it slips the minds of the electorate. What can you tell us about the CSL –
FM: Gezundheit.
LPAF: I’m sorry.
FM: Gezundheit. It’s German for ‘Bless you.’
LPAF: I know what gezundheit means! Why did you say it?
FM: You sneezed.
LPAF: No, I didn’t. I asked you to tell us about the CSL –
FM: Bless you.
LPAF: CSL is not a sneeze. It’s the acronym for Canadian Steamship Lines, the company Paul Martin ran before he became Prime Minister. He had to give control over it to his sons in order not to be seen to be in a conflict of interest.
FM: Really?
LPAF: Really.
FM: He always put me in his pocket when he met with his sons, but I kept hearing CSL through the pinstripes. Later, the Prime Minister told me it was a sneeze. Son of a – I thought he was just a devoted father with a serious hayfever problem!
LPAF: What did you –
FM: Take advantage of the three hour old paper puppet, why don’t you? Nice!
LPAF: What did you think of the proposal to question potential Liberty Party candidates about their mental health history?
FM: That was just crazy.
LPAF: According to the Prime Minister, ‘Flat Mark actually got into trouble, but some of those stories I don’t think I should talk about.’ How do you respond?
FM: Our lawyers are currently working out a settlement, so I’m not at liberty to comment.
LPAF: What’s next for Flat Mark?
FM: Most paper cutouts would rest on their laurels – I mean, it was a heady time for me. But, I’d love to spend some time with a celebrity…maybe a movie or television star…maybe Pamela Anderson. If she is reading this interview, Pamela, have your people call my people. I’m sure we can arrange something!
LPAF: Any advice for other paper cutout characters?
FM: Staplers. They can hurt like a son of a bitch! Do whatever it takes to stay away from them.
LPAF: Flat Mark, thanks for taking the time to answer our questions.
FM: No problem. And, Pammie, seriously, I’m available.