“Whadda dump!”
“Is not dump! Is traditional Russian dacha! Is perfect place for club!”
“Listen, Vlad -“
“Name is Vladimir, Donald. I have already been telling you once!”
“Yeah, whatever, Vlad. Look, the wood is rotting, the rooms smell of mildew and days old herring guts and I don’t trust that fireplace not to burn the joint down while we’re all sleeping!”
“It has – how do you Americans put it? – ambience.”
“It’s has – how we Americans put it – stupid! It has a lotta stupid. I see a seventy story steel and glass highrise with sunken marble bathtubs and gourmet room service. We’ll call it: Trump Vladivostock.”
“Donald…”
“Tell you what: I know a guy who can get this project going gangbusters. I’ve worked with him before – he can get you a real good deal!”
“Nyet! Nyet! Nyet! Nyet! Nyet! Nyet! Nyet!”
“Aww, don’t be like that, President Putin! President The Donald is full of great ideas! If he wants to…renovate the place, I’m sure it will be huge!”
“Yuge!”
“What?”
“It will be yuge. Not what you said.”
“Oh. Yuge. Right.”
“Aww, I’m just messin’ with ya! Relax, Roddy – I don’t expect foreigners to talk English so good!”
“The name is Rodrigo, President The Donald.”
“You say potato, I say hand grenade. Say, listen, ever since you congratulated me on my yuge victory on election night, I been meaning to ask you: you know how you been getting’ your police to kill drug dealers and perverts and anybody else who pisses you off?”
“Yes, President the Donald?”
“How do you do that without arrests or trials or anything?”
“I am a big fan of Nike sports shoes, President the Donald.”
“What does that even mean?”
“Oh, for – it mean ‘Just do it,’ Donald! Nike slogan is ‘Just do it!'”
“Yeah. Okay. I get it. Un hunh.”
“And, please, we are not to renovate my winter residence! If we hold meeting of club in United States, you choose where, and you can decorate it however you want!”
“That’s what I like about you, Vlad: you got fire in your belly. In this case, you are being completely stupid, but I like your fire anyway.”
“Pfah! What is this garbage you’ve given us to drink?”
“Haaaaaa…is not garbage. Is fine Russian Vodka made from finest Russian potatoes!”
“Please! In Damascus, we have drinks so potent they set your intestines on fire and make you curse your ancestors for ever having existed! This…? This…this…this piss would be ashamed to be in the same bar with those drinks! In the same neighbourhood! On the same -“
“As it happens, I agree with Basher -“
“Bashir, Donald. My name is Bashir.”
“Yeah. We say things differently in my country. Get used to it. This stuff would probably taste awful, if it had any taste at all! Next time we meet, remind me to bring some whisky. And, rye. And, Tums.”
“Bosze Moiye! Enough! I invite you here to join Putin’s Posse, and you moan and complain about – how you say in America? – trifles! You are whining like little schoolgirl! Worse! You are whining like little schoolgirl whose finger is on nuclear button! Pfah!”
“Yeah. About that. Putin’s Posse…”
“Is clever, no?”
“No. It’s gotta go.”
“WHAT?”
“This little group needs a new moniker. I’m thinking: ‘Trump’s Team.'”
“Is outrageous! I founded this group!”
“Yeah, and I’m the President of the greatest country the world has ever seen!”
“You tell him, President The Donald!”
“I thought you campaigned on the promise to ‘Make America great again!’ Does that not imply that America is no longer great?”
“Yeah, yeah, Basher. We’re not as great as we used to be, but we’re still greater than any other country in the world!”
“Not greater than Russia!”
“Yeah, we are.”
“Nyet! You are not!”
“Yeah, we are.”
“How dare you! You come into my home, insult my country and try to take over my club! What make you think you can do this thing?”
“Did you see the way we bombed the shit out of half a dozen Middle Eastern countries to get ISIS?”
“Erm.”
“Yeah. So, would anybody like to join me in a toast to Trump’s Team?”
“Nyet.”
“Sure, President The Donald. Whatever you say!”
“With this swill? If I must…”
“Great. Now, Basher -“
“Bashir.”
“Yeah. I’m the leader of the greatest country the world has ever known, so I get to call people whatever the hell I want. So, tell me: how did you deal with the lying press…?”