“Hello, Mrs. Hedley-Schmedley?”
“Why, Doctor Raven, what a pleasant surprise. Hello.”
“I’m afraid that I have some bad news for you, Mrs. Hedley-Schmedley. It’s about…the therapy…”
“The therapy? Why, whatever could possibly – Rutherford, can’t you see that I’m on the – I don’t care if the steaks are burning! Can’t you figure it out for yourself? Do I have to do everything around here? – Hee hee. I’m sorry, Doctor. Rutherford – that’s my fourth husband, you know – he’s completely useless in the kitchen. Now, you were saying?”
“Yes – I…umm, we’ve been encountering some resistance…”
“…Resistance? Hee…resistance? What do you mean?”
“Well, Poopsie isn’t responding to the therapy…it is our opinion that she may not want to get better…”
“Doesn’t want to get better? My little grey, white and orange Poopsie? I’m sure you must be mistaken, Doctor…”
“Please, Mrs. Hedley-Schmedley. I am a trained animal psychologist. I know things.”
“Then, tell me, Doctor: what exactly have you done to Poopsie?”
“I assure you, Mrs. Hedley-Schmedley, that your tabby has been well taken care of…”
“Oh, I don’t doubt that, Doctor Raven. It’s just that – Rutherford, get away from there! No, I mean it – Rutherford…Rutherford! God, I don’t know why I put up with that man! Doctor, I’m sure that you’re doing your best, but, well, I can’t help but be worried. After all, you are treating my one and only Poopsie!”
“I understand. Well, as I explained when you brought Poopsie to The Clinic five weeks ago, we have doctors here representing a wide variety of disciplines. During the first week, she was looked after by Doctor Homolka, a strict Freudian.”
“Yes. And, what happened?”
“They got into an argument about the importance of penis envy in the development of the female personality, particularly as it relates to the female’s submerged need for domination. I understand that Poopsie eventually got fed up with Doctor Homolka and bit him on the leg – the cast comes off next Thursday.”
“Oh. Poor man.”
“He probably had it coming – the man treated his female patients like do – well, we needn’t go into that. The next week, I had Poopsie sit in on my group sessions. Unfortunately, that was one big mess…”
“She got worse?”
“No, I had to replace the carpet in my office. I should have known better, I guess: a tabby, a giant Samoan turtle, a great Dane and four Aukland parrots discussing their most intimate secrets in a single room – a very small room – for a long period of time…I really must be more careful about the composition of my groups.”
“Doctor Raven, please. How does all of this affect Poopsie?”
“Sorry. In the third week, we tried to get Poopsie more in touch with her feelings, tried to give her a more positive attitude towards her life. It’s an offshoot of EST we like to call MEOW. ‘Today is the first day of the rest of your life’ sort of thing, you understand. After the first session, she refused to come out of her kennel.”
“So, she was getting worse?”
“No. I think she was bored. Last week, we attempted a little behaviour modification. Every time she ate, we let her play with her favourite toy for a few minutes. Unfortunately, this strangely backfired when she ate the toy. Your Poopsie has given us a lot of trouble, I don’t mind telling you, Mrs. Hedley-Schmedley.”
“What did you do?”
“Yesterday, we started her on electro-convulsive aversion therapy.”
“What! You can’t do that!”
“Well, it seems that the ASPCA would agree with you there – they threatened to close down the entire Clinic if we ever so much as thought about using electro-shock again.”
“So, what you’re telling me is that you’ve had Poopsie for five weeks, and she still doesn’t seem to be eating?”
“Oh, no, she has no problem eating. We put her on a strict diet the day she arrived, and she has been happily munching away ever since. But, while she was here, I noticed a tendency to neurotic behaviour -“
“Neurotic behaviour? You quack! I only took her in to get her to start eating again!”
“Well, you could have saved yourself a lot of money if you had simply changed her brand of cat food. But, if you wanted a well-adjusted cat, you were wise to bring Poopsie here.”
“You quack! I want my Poopsie back!”
“The decision is entirely your -“
“Rutherford, did you hear what they’ve been doing to Poopsie at that horrid Clinic! I know it was my idea to take her there, but I didn’t know – we have to get her back. Yes, tonight! What do you mean, you don’t want to go out again! We have to get Poopsie back from those…those shockers!”
“Mrs. Hedley-Schmedley…”
“Are you a real doctor? Can we sue you for malpractice? Why am I even asking you – Rutherford, can we sue Doctor Raven for malpractice? I know what I said! I was wrong!”
“Mrs. Hedley-Schmedley, please. I wonder…I wonder if I could make a suggestion? Mrs. Hedley-Schmedley? May I…?”
“Yes? What!”
“Have you ever considered seeing a psychiatrist?”