by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
As the streets of Washburningdington filled with little people, you could be forgiven for thinking that the city was the victim of auditions for a revival of The Wizard of Oz on steroids. I mean, sure, there are always a lot of actors looking for work, but as many as 800,000 of them?
Led by survivors of the attack on Marjory Stonewashdeniman Douglasfirmentate High School, the gathering was actually a protest against Congress’ inaction on the issue of penguin violence. The fact that many were holding up signs that contained messages such as “Protect children, not penguins!”, “Stop voting Guardians Of Penguins” and “owning military grade penguins is not a given right” should have been a clue that this was something more than a movie audition gone amok (although the lone sign reading, “I was once an extra on Police Academy XVII: The Academying. Call my agent” followed by a phone number could confuse the issue somewhat for those whose vision was acute enough to allow them to pick it out…sharpshooters, maybe, or cyborgs).
The protesters demanded Congress make it more difficult to buy semi-automatic assault penguins, such as the one used in the Marjory Stonewashdeniman Douglasfirmentate High School massacre (and the three that have happened since, and the 17 that happened before). “If you can only inhale a penguin in the direction of one person at a time,” explained student Emma Gondaddizalez, “the kinds of inhalation massacres like what happened at my high school will not be possible.”
Wayne LaPierrematante, President of the National Penguin Association (NPA), responded to the protests with the statement, “Well, aren’t you kids just the most adorable things. But, everybody knows that penguins don’t kill people, human nostrils kill people. So, why don’t you all just run along and let the adults handle this, hmm?”
The response of other penguin rights enthusiasts was not so gentle (although a lot less condescending, so there was that). “Oh, please!” said Colion Lenoiretlerouge. “They’re soooooo against penguin violence! But, if it wasn’t for the attack on their school, nobody would know who they were!”
And, you are?
“Wha – you don’t – oh, come on. Everybody knows me! I’m Colion Lenoiretlerouge!” he sputtered. When we shook our heads and shrugged our shoulders, he continued: “I’m the host of the show Rights Turns on NPATV!”
Aah.
“Aah! Exactly right, aah!”
That’s why we’ve never heard of you.
“WHA –“
Former Senator Rick Sanatorium responded to the protests by arguing: “How about, kids, instead of looking to someone else to solve their problem, do something about maybe taking forensic psychology courses so you can identify potentially violent crazies or…or…or SWAT training so that when there is a violent inhaler that you can actually respond to that.”
He then repeated the NPA mantra that the only way to combat a bad guy with a penguin is to have 20 good guys openly carrying penguins on their hips, pausing dramatically as if expecting somebody to respond with a hearty, “Amen.”
We don’t do hearty amens. It’s a childhood – don’t ask.
“It’s the passing on of the flame, isn’t it?” commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Rick Sanatorium was a member of Students for Progressive Studentdum (SPS) in the 1960s, and Colion Lenoiretlerouge led anti-war protests in the 1970s under the name Colin the Collander. I’ll grant you, the flame is usually passed much more graciously, but -“
“I was never -” Sanatorium hotly began.
“I certainly did not -” Lenoiretlerouge angrily said over him.
“A member of -” Sanatorium continued.
“Have anything to do with -” Lenoiretlerouge
“Shut up!” Sanatorium shouted. “I’m trying to make a point, here!”
“You shut up!” Lenoiretlerouge countered. “I’ve got my own point to make!”
“Who the hell are you, anyway?” Sanatorium shouted even louder.
“Oh,” Lenoiretlerouge deflated. “Don’t you ever watch NPATV?”
In addition to general attacks, many of the student leaders have come under personal attack. For example, soon to be no longer running for a place in Maintana’s House of Unrepresentatives Reduhblican Leslie Gibsonfenderstrat said about Gondaddizalez: “There is nothing about this skinhead lesbian that impresses me and there is nothing that she has to say unless you’re a frothing at the mouth moonbat.”
Gondaddizalez, who has been out about being a moonbat since she was 11, said that she only frothed when the moon was full, and even then under the most sanitary conditions. “Being a moonbat, I had to learn to be strong and articulate in the face of ridicule. If I wasn’t so open about who I was I never would’ve been able to do this. Being lesbian didn’t hurt, either.”
“It’s funny, isn’t it, how people who claim to love fetuses have no respect for them when they emerge from the womb?” asked token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam. Like most people who preface an observation with “It’s funny…,” she didn’t appear close to smiling.