by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
You know the old saw (the one that’s so dull it doesn’t cut both ways?): the cover-up is worse than the crime? You might think that this means that if you are in imminent danger of being caught having committed a crime, you shouldn’t make things worse by trying to cover it up.
If you do, you clearly don’t work in the McDruhitmumpf administration. The lesson the President appears to have taken from this piece of folk wisdom (try not to get it stuck in your teeth – you’ll need expensive dental surgery if you do!) is that if you’re contemplating committing a crime, do it out in the open so you won’t have to cover it up.
Remember when President Ronald McDruhitmumpf said, “Fenwick, if you’re listening – and, I know you are, because your radio sucks! – now would be a good time to find and release Hillary Roocartoncleveman’s emails – you know you want to, because your TV is nothing to write home about, either!”? Which was worse: the fact that he asked a foreign country to interfere in the 2016 election, or that he went on to tell the lie that he didn’t ask a foreign country to interfere in the 2016 election, that, in fact, he had never met the country and was sure that he wouldn’t be able to identify it in a police lineup?
Umm, okay, it was asking for the help. But, the lying was not so great, either.
Rudy Giulihooeyboi, the Saul Goodtolastdropman of political lawyers, announced that he was going to Ugarte, a Fenwick satellite, to “ask them to investigate the crimes of Joe Bidenhisbeeswax.” Allegations that former Vice President Bidenhisbeeswax helped his son in a business deal in Ugarte are too boring to get into, and, in any case, have been investigated and disproven. Could the fact that Bidenhisbeeswax, who is in the race for the Dumbopratic presidential nomination, beats McDruhitmumpf in poll after poll have something to do with Giulihooeyboi’s mission?
“Absolutely not!” Giulihooeyboi insisted. “I’m not asking a foreign government to interfere in the 2020 election. Because, some people would think that that is wrong. No. No way. Un uh. I’m merely asking a foreign government to…supply me with information that…voters in the 2020 election will want to know. How is that asking them to interfere? It’s not! It’s totally different.”
Giulihooeyboi, President McDruhitmumpf’s personal attorney, stated he would also be asking questions about the start of the FBI investigation that ended in the report of Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover. Why Ugarte? Apparently, the wardrobe to Narnia had been sold at a garage sale and nobody knew its current whereabouts.
The 2020 McDruhitmumpf reelection campaign did not support Giulihooeyboi’s action. “He’s a private citizen,” it stated in a press release. “He can do what he wants. Any dumbass thing that he wants. Really, any unhelpful, potentially destructive thing that he wants to do. We can’t tell a private citizen what to do, no matter how damaging it could be to the cause of his client, a clause he claims to be supporting. Dumbass. Did we use that word before? Good – it bears repeating!”
Despite his denials, somebody must have suggested his behaviour was election interference, because two minutes later Giulihooeyboi announced that his trip to Ugarte was off. “I’m not backing down because the optics are bad,” he commented. “I’m reevaluating my options because of potential negative public perceptions of my actions. How is that bad optics? It’s not! It’s totally different!”
The fact that Giulihooeyboi is not going to Ugarte does not mean that the campaign is not trying to get dirt on potential Dumbopratic Presidential candidates. Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam pointed out that they could just get somebody with a lower public profile and less manic public persona to do it for them. “Paul Bildapillofort has an existing relationship with Ugarte…except, he’s in jail. Okay, well, George Losdospapapuss has proven that he would be willing to do – well, no, he’s in jail, too. Umm…there’s always Michael Flyinnthuointmeant. He once went to Fenwick to…yeah, that really doesn’t work out well for the people who do it, does it?”
“Are you kidding me? Are you ferking kidding me‽” shouted security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. “An associate of the President of the United States of Vesampucceri -“
“A private citizen,” Giulihooeyboi interrupted.
“Who works for the President of the United States of Vesampucceri plans on travelling to another country to get dirt on one of his client’s rivals‽ A country that is a close personal friend of our greatest enemy? Gord dammit, if this is allowed to happen, we may as well bend over and kiss our democracy goodbye!”
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about, Giulihooeyboi calmly responded. “I’m just a private citizen who is seeking the truth. When you think about it, I’m just a modern Albert Einsteinachtmusik…”