“Me, And…Uhh…Well, There’s Me For A Start – Can I Get Back To You On Everybody Else That I Love?
“I believe the tariffs paid for by foreign countries will, like in the past, substantially replace the modern day system of income tax, taking a great financial burden off the people that I love.”
– President Donald Trump at the State of the Union Address
So, You’re Not Still Suing Your Own Government For $10 Billion?
“Are You Out Of Your Mind? I May Be A Schmuck, But I’m Not Stupid!”
“So as president, I make $2 million over four years, $2.5 million. I waived it… I’m the only president that ever waived it… There’s never been a president that waived his salary. I’m the only schmuck. I get no credit for it.”
– President Donald Trump, not at the State of the Union Address
All You Whiners About Conflict Of Interest Are Just Jealous You Didn’t Think Of It First!
“I brought a lawsuit… I’m the one who has to settle it. Maybe I will give myself $1 billion and give it all to charity… Trump sues the US, becomes President, and has to settle the suit. I hereby give myself $1 billion.. Maybe I should keep the money…”
– President Donald Trump again
Actually, The Victims Have Been Speaking Out For Decades
Maybe You Should Get Your Ears Checked
Or Your Moral Compass
“It’s a shame. It’s sad. I think it’s so bad for the Royal Family. It’s a very sad thing… It’s interesting that nobody used to speak on Epstein when he was alive, but now they speak. I was totally exonerated.”
– President Donald Trump on the arrest of former Prince Andrew
Foreign Interests Like Israel?
“Do You Talk To Your Mother With That Mouth?”
“Foreign interests are represented by people that I believe have undue influence… they have a lot of influence over the Supreme Court whether it’s through fear or respect or friendships I don’t know. But I know some of the people that were involved on the other side and I don’t like them… I think they are real slime balls. You’ve got to do what is right for the country… what is right for the Constitution.”
– more from President Donald Trump
Hearing You Speak Some Days, It’s Easy To Believe You Have Been There For 250 Years
“We have the Olympics, the World Cup, and twenty – you know, the 250. I did all three all of them. I got the Olympics, the World Cup, and then I got 250 but I’ve never been given credit for it. They won’t give me credit for 250 years but I’m here for 250.”
– yet more from President Donald Trump
“Now, I’m A Gynecologist. Some People Say I’m The Best Gynecologist In The World. It’s Amazing How Much Information You Can Pack Into Two Minutes! Imagine What Would Have Been If We Had Talked For Five Minutes – I Would Practically Be A Woman Now!”
“We are doing more to help women struggling with infertility than any administration in history. I got a call from Katie Britt. She explained the problem. I wasn’t that familiar with it, I must tell you, but after about two minutes I understood it very well. We solved it.”
– still more from President Donald Trump
“I Met With Ho Chi Minh. Nice Guy. A Bit Crazy, But You Know, If You Breathed In As Much Napalm As He Did, You Might Go A Little Nutso, Too.”
“Connecticut is an extremely corrupt voting place. That’s why a guy like Blumenthal can keep getting elected. He admitted he cheated on the war. I went to Vietnam for a couple of days and I spent two more days than he did there. He was never there.”
– more from still President Donald Trump
“During The Depression, People Ate Coal. Didn’t Know That, Did You? Coal Pudding. Coal Soup. Coal A L’Orange. They Were Very Creative Back Then. They Had To Be – It Was A Depression. There Were Songs Written About Coal Pie. So, Don’t Tell Me Fossil Fuels Are Bad For Your Health!”
“Barack Hussein Obama, his EPA designated fossil fuels such as oil, gas, and other things that actually make factories use rock ‘N’ roll – as a threat to health. This determination had no basis in fact. Fossil fuels have saved millions of lives.”
– President Donald “How Am I Still In Charge?” Trump
To Be Fair, Trump Isn’t The First President To Break This Promise…
“To the great proud people of Iran. I say tonight that the hour of your freedom is at hand. Stay sheltered…Bombs will be dropping everywhere. When we are finished, take over your government. It will be yours to take.”
– President Donald “Gonna Make It a Capital Offence to Talk About My Age” Trump
“23…157…3,449 – Oh, Yeah. We’ve Got All The Best Numbers. You Think Canada Has Numbers As Good As Ours? No Way! We’re Hoarding The Best Numbers. Canada? They…They…They Have 11. What Good Is 11? None. It’s None Good. That’s Why Canada Needs Us To Take Them Over!”
“We’re seeing phenomenal numbers.. I mean, really phenomenal numbers. We’ll be announcing a new statistician… the numbers were ridiculous what she announced. So it’s a scam, in my opinion.”
– President Donald “It’s Not a Lie If I Believe It…” Trump
[NARRATOR: They’re Not.]
“Democrats are calling me up and they’re saying, ‘Sir, I want to thank you. My wife and I went out to dinner last night for the first time in four years, and Washington, D.C. is safe…The restaurants the last two days were busier than they’ve been in a long time.”
– President Donald “…And I Believe Everything” Trump
It’s Not Hard To Believe That The Thrice Married Man Is An Expert On “Little Fights With The Wife.” It May, In Fact, Be The Only Thing He Is An Expert On, Other Than Grifting…
“They say crime is down 87%. I said: ‘No, no, no, it’s more than 87%. Things that take place in the home they call crime….If a man has a little fight with the wife, they say this is a crime.'”
– President Donald Trump, obviously on a roll
Putin Turns To The Camera And Says: “You Might Think That, I Couldn’t Possibly Comment…”
“Vladimir said just a little while ago, he said ‘I’ve never seen anybody do so much so fast.’ He said, ‘your country is, like, hot as a pistol,’ and a year ago he thought it was dead.”
– President Donald Trump – OMG, is he still talking?
“The Homeless People Can Stay – Every National Capital Has Them – But The Tents Are Just An Eyesore!”
“Tents – I’m getting rid of them right now. You can’t do that, especially in Washington DC. I talk to the mayor about it all the time. I said, ‘you gotta get rid of the tents. You can’t have it.’ When leaders come to see me to make a trade deal and there’s tents outside the White House, you can’t have it.”
– President Donald Trump – I’m going to cut it off here because I’m getting a headache…