GOING: John Manley bows out of the Liberal leadership race. Paul Martin starts to refer to himself in the third person.
GOING: Former Ontario cabinet minister Chris Stockwell announces he won’t be seeking reelection after the province’s integrity commissioner concludes he breached the Memebrs’ Integrity Act by using funds from his riding association and Ontario Power Generation to partially pay for his family’s European vacation. Oddly, the usually verbose MPP does not offer a lengthy lecture on fiscal responsibility.
WHAT’S ON: Japanese politicians literally jump on ruling party parliamentary chairman to protest the end of a debate on whether Japan should send non-combat troops to help rebuild Iraq. Expect “The Politician Pile On Challenge” to be featured in a future episode of Banzai.
“From a private box in Skydome, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.”
Canada’s relationship with Iran has been strained because of the government’s murder and cover-up of a Canadian photo-journalist. For the latest on this growing – no, mounting crisis, we go to Subaru Debutante in Ottawa.
“Under pressure from the Canadian government, Iran has relented on its intention to bury murdered photographer Zahra Kazemi’s body and has, instead, quietly shipped it back to Canada. Early forensic reports indicate that Kazemi was less than a foot tall and had the skeletal structure of a hamster. ‘This is another shining example,’ crowed Foreign Affairs Minister Bill Graham, ‘of the government of Canada using its clout to ensure that its citizens receive international justice.’ From Ottawa, this is Subaru Debutante.”
Now that the federal government has tabled same sex legi – oh, look, I know what you’re thinking. You think being a news anchor is easy, right? Put a good-looking chimp in a suit and point him in the direction of a teleprompter. Well, as a matter of fact, this job is a harder than it looks. A lot ha –
“Canadians Against Same-Sex Marriage organizer Tim Dooling claims that the proposed legislation legalizing same sex marriage will destroy the institution. ‘What’s next?’ he said. ‘A man marrying his Chevy convertible? A woman marrying a duck? A couple marrying a dinette set? If one can happen with the stroke of a pen, so can all the others.’ Representatives of the gay community just shook their heads sadly and went about their business. For The Irrational, this is Ian Hawdogoatsing reporting from Ottawa.”
I mean, the same journalist instincts that go into reporting go into anchorage – anchoring? I work with the producer to determine the lineup of stories – a not inconsiderable power, considering the average viewer has the attention span of a gnat. I also write my own introductions to stories, and this involves more than just repeating the first line of the reporter’s story. For instance, I actually wrote: The federal government, prodded by the courts, has released a manual for users of medical marijuana –
“The federal government, prodded by the courts, has released a manual for users of medical marijuana. It’s main message: don’t toke up. Is this is any indication of the direction of future government policy, expect to see: drivers’ manuals that tell people to take public transit; tourist guides that tell people to stay at home, and; manuals that tell small businessmen to not quit their day jobs. If only the Liberal Party handbook told potential candidates not to run, we might actually be making progress. This is health reporter Sylvia Ferberance, reporting from Ottawa.”
Okay, I will admit that I have no degree in journalism – when I was starting, there were no schools to learn at. Still, if you don’t think that doing all the reporting for a radio station in Moosejaw isn’t an excellent education in journalism, well, well, well you just…don’t understand the way –
“Alberta Premier Ralph Klein is demanding action after 37 countries banned his province’s beef because one steer had been diagnosed with mad cow disease. ‘They’re scientifically illiterate morons,’ Klein said, ‘and they should lift the ban immediately.’ Uhh, Ralph, don’t you think that concerns about the safety of Alberta beef would be alleviated if farmers stopped putting unused animal parts into their animal feed? ‘Ottawa must give Alberta a whackload of compensation for lost revenue immediately,’ Klein continued. Why not just ban the practice of giving animals feed containing mulched animal body parts? ‘And, while we’re at it, it would help if every Canadian had to eat their weight in Alberta beef,” Klein concluded. Ralph! Really! If animals weren’t fed animals, they wouldn’t get mad cow disease! Shouldn’t you do something to make Alberta beef safer? Ralph? Hello, Ralph? Reporting from Calgary, this is Monique Moosehead.”
As a matter of fact –
“British Prime Minister Tony Blair and American President George W. Bush held a joint press conference recently to mutually prop up their sputtering popularity. A partial transcript of the press conference reads:
BLAIR: The British government stands by our dossier that proved that Saddam Hussein tried to buy components of nuclear weapons from Africa.
BUSH: What, that old thing? Pfah! The CIA has been trying to tell me for a year that the document linking Saddam’s nuclear ambitions to Africa was a forgery. I, uhh, didn’t hear them actually say it, but they did.
BLAIR: Well, err, even if Saddam didn’t have any weapons of mass destruction, he was a ruthless dictator, and history will approve of the fact that the coalition got rid of him.
BUSH: Oh, Saddam had weapons of mass destruction, alright, and we’re gonna find ’em.
BLAIR: [EXPLETIVE], George, I’m fighting for my life, here! Can you not say anything helpful to me?
BUSH: Nice suit.
“It is unlikely that either leader benefited from this performance, but it did give comedians more material with which to work. Reporting from Washington, this is…hey, how come I don’t have a beat? Well, anyway, I’m Jason Petersburgovitz.”
Hey, don’t cut me off like that. I think our viewers would be interested in knowing a little bit about who delivers the news, and why we make the decisions we do – well, thanks for your opinion, but, in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m the one sitting behind the anchor desk, so I think –
“Uday and Qusay Hussein, Saddam’s sons, were killed in a fierce firefight. They’re dead! They’re dead! They’re dead! Nyah nyah, suckers! Who’s winning now? Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Yee-haw! Dead as doornails! Dead as the United Nations! Dead as a parrot! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Dead! Dead! De – uhh, ahem. The announcement of the deaths has, uhh, lifted the morale of the, err, American troops in Iraq.
“In a related story, you are looking at photographs of the faces of the dead bodies. Notice how the shrapnel from American bombs has left bloody streaks in their flesh, and how bullets leave small, round holes? These photos will be repeated in the North American media ad nauseam in order to show Iraqis that two of the country’s three most hated tyrants are dead. According to Donald Rumsfeld, this is totally different from Al Jazeera displaying images of dead American soldiers, which he complained was against the Geneva Conventions, because the United States is the good guy and it always abides by the international rules of war, even when it doesn’t. For The Irrational, this is transportation and human sacrifices correspondent Pallas Athena reporting from Baghdad.”
No, don’t try and stop me! You think it’s easy to stand on a boiling set and deliver the news with cool aplomb. Applebaum? Whatever. You know, there are times when I just wanna scream at the stupidity of –
“Deputy National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley has apologized for allowing an erroneous reference to Iraq attempting to buy weapons grade uranium from Africa to enter President Bush’s State of the Union Address. At the rate he’s throwing underlings overboard, President Bush should finally take responsibility for misleading the American people about the real reason for the Iraq war some time in 2174. This is Germaine Tims-Stimson reporting from Washington.”
Get your hands offa me! I’m in the middle of a broadcast, here! Don’t you have any sense of decorum? Don’t you –
“Greg Gatenby has resigned as artistic director of Toronto’s International Festival of Authors. Despite his treatment of many authors, the Festival was praised by those who despised him and those who merely found him annoying alike. Reporting from Toronto, this is Eloise Tendentious”
YOU’LL GET MY DESK WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD FINGERS!
“Ontario Premier Ernie Eves has asked god to send rain to the province to cool it off and decrease electricity use. Representatives of god, noting that Eve’s request ‘wasn’t exactly a prayer,’ said it would be put in the queue ahead of Saddam Hussein’s request that ‘all infidels burn in a hell of their own making,” but well behind Timmy Hilhander’s prayer for ‘a new hip for Grammy.’ This is Anson Bergecheck reporting from Toronto.”
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