by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
His skin is green. “Like the money we’ll all have more of in our pockets and bank accounts once Donald Frankoffshelgolstein is elected President and turns this country round!” He has bolts sticking out of his neck. “They represent the straightforward, common sense, nuts and bolts administration that Donald Frankoffshelgolstein will run when he’s elected President!” He has scars where the flesh of different corpses was sewn together before he was reanimated. “Those are metaphors that represent the scars that Donald Frankoffshelgolstein is prepared to get bringing the Vesampuccerian economy back to life!”
Do you – “As President!”
Right. Kind of implied. Do you get dizzy spinning so hard? “Sometimes. But, it was in the description when I took the job, so I try to make the best of it. It’s all a matter of perspective, really, and you get a damn unique one when you live in a centrifuge!”
Donald Frankoffshelgolstein seems like an unlikely person to be running for United States of Vesampucerian President on a Reduhblican “Family Values” platform. You would expect that no responsible parent would want their children anywhere near him, even on the other side of a lead-lined six inch thick wall while wearing a hazmat suit in a virtual environment.
You would be wrong.
“Don’t think I didn’t see what you did, there,” drolly commented Antony Benbarshevitson, Frankoffshelgolstein’s campaign manager. “Using the fictional second person to avoid contradicting yourself in the first person, even though you’re obviously stating your own opinion. Nicely done, if you like that sort of thing.”
He didn’t have to sniff before the final sentence. It was implied.
Don’t think I didn’t see what you did there, Mister Campaign Manager, deflecting criticism of your candidate by turning the attention back on a journalist.”
Benbarshevitson innocently batted his eyelashes and replied: “What? You don’t think Donald has family values? Have you seen…The Image?” As he said the last two words, sunshine poured down on him and a heavenly choir “aaahed” beatifically. The sunshine was a holographic projection (I was interviewing him at a booth inside a Bogus Bagels deli which I had been assured by the waitress who waved an indifferent hand towards the tables was impervious to sunlight) and the choir was created by a Mellotron, but the effect was still moving.
The Image (I would forever be disappointed that I heard no choir when I wrote that) depicted Frankoffshelgolstein being handed a flower (who asked that its name not be mentioned in this article) by a little girl. His head is bowed, possibly in humility, but more likely because he’s four times taller than the girl. The scene takes place near a pond by a farmhouse to indicate the rural upbringing that Frankoffshelgolstein never had. The image (if I’m not going to get the choir, I’m not going to dignify it with a capital letter!) was the kicker to ads that otherwise focused on Dumbopratic rival Hillary Roocartoncleveman eating organs harvested from aborted fetuses while deleting emails in a burned out embassy in Benghazi. The ad ends with Frankoffshelgolstein bellowing, “Me Donald! Me approve…AAAAAAAAD!”
“It brings a tear to my eye every time I think about it,” Benbarshevitson sniffed, although to determine whether the tear that appeared in his eye was caused by his memory of the advertisement or the paper clip she was surreptitiously stabbing into the palm of his remaining hand, well, you’d have to be a better journalist than I.
“How can Frankoffshelgolstein seriously be considered the candidate of Family Values?” argued (I’m running out of ways of saying apoplectically, so I’m going to leave that verb naked – my writing gets more PG13 ratings that way!) token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “He wasn’t born and he didn’t grow up in a family! The only people he might reasonably consider his family are Dracoldleelula and the wolfman, and I’d hate to be invited to that reunion!”
“That token smart person has issssuuuuuues!” Benbarshevitson smirked. I noticed that he had changed the subject again, but since it wasn’t on me this time, I didn’t feel the need to mention it.
“Still, there’s one good thing about Frankoffshelgolstein that we should never forget,” enthusiastically continued. “As bad as he may look, he’s still cuter and cuddlier than Hillary Roocartoncleveman!”