Good evening.
Our top story tonight: in the midst of a heated debate in the United Nations Security Council over whether or not to attack Iraq – a debate in which America’s “proof” of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction and ties to terrorism were dismissed and weapons inspectors were encouraged – a grumpy American Secretary of State Colin Powell snapped, “It isn’t brain surgery!” But, of course it’s brain surgery, Colin. And bowel surgery. And leg and arm amputations. And facial reconstruction surgery. And treatment for lungs seared by heat and gas. That’s war.
In other war news: the United States had already rejected a plan, proposed by France and Germany, to triple the number of weapons inspectors and place UN peacekeepers in Iraq, arguing that it would serve no purpose. Serve no purpose? How’s this for a purpose? Peace. PEACE! P-E-A-C-E! Peeeeeeeaaaaaaacccce! The absence of war. No fighting. Peace.
Just a thought.
Much has been made of the fact that UN weapons inspector Hans Blix reported that Iraq has missiles with a range that is larger than allowed by a previous UN resolution. If these are the weapons that were first reported on a couple of months ago, though, their range exceeds the limit by a mere 15 to 20 kilometres. “Yes,” a White House spokesperson jumps in at this point, “but, if he put 400 of them together, he could attack the United States. Seriously. Do the math.” This is an example of why American innumeracy is so frightening.
President George Junior accused Iraqi President Saddam Hussein of treating his people as “expendable,” adding that “America views the Iraqi people as human beings who have suffered long enough.” Does this mean the US is going to apologize for killing thousands of civilians during the first Gulf War, or that it will lift sanctions that, in the past decade, have been responsible for the deaths of perhaps as many as half a million Iraqis? No. It means the US will go to war with Iraq – again! – killing thousands more civilians. That’s one way to end people’s suffering, I suppose…
Noah Webster’s ghost must be wondering why he bothered trying to define the meaning of words at all.
It was announced yesterday that, as part of America’s Orange Alert, anybody caught using the term “bushwhacked” will be deported to a Middle Eastern country of the State Department’s choosing, while anybody heard singing the song “Push, Push in the Bush” can expect to be detained for questioning at an undisclosed location for an unspecified period of time. Getting a little sensitive, are we?
The George Junior administration is reportedly divided on what to do with Iraqi oil after it takes control of the country. The State Department would like to use the oil up in 50 years. The Defense Department would like to use the oil up in 20 years. Good to know the coming war really is about freedom, democracy and international justice.
A tape purportedly of Osama bin Laden – remember Osama bin Laden? There’s supposed to be a war on terrorism against men like Osama bin Laden – contains the following message: “Yes! Yes! Invade Iraq! You’ll rid me of a secular enemy and drive many more people to enlist as martyrs for the cause! Yes! Ye – uhh, err, harrumph, I mean, uhh, Arab solidarity forever. Thank you, and goodnight.” US Secretary of State Powell claimed that the tape proved that Saddam Hussein was involved with Islamic fundamentalist terrorists. It boggles the mind, and my mind hasn’t been sufficiently boggled since Nixon declared, “I am not a crook.”
In other other news, the Israeli government is furious that a Belgian Supreme Court ruled that a war crimes trial against Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon could proceed after he left office. “Belgium is helping to harm not only Israel but also the entire free world,” Israeli Foreign Minister Benjamin Netanyahu stated. Oh, please! Next thing you know, they’ll be claiming that Belgium is in league with Arab terrorists!
US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that Belgium was the latest member of the Axis of Evil. “We have proof linking Belgium to Al Qaeda,” Rummie stated, “and we will release it…maybe…eventually…some day…” Wow – great turnaround time!
On the entertainment scene: the Oscar nominations were announced on Tuesday. Yeah, yeah, so what? How could anybody believe in the Oscars when The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes didn’t get a single nomination? I say, boycott the Oscars until Kurt Russell gets his due.
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley has complained that the film Chicago was shot in Toronto, arguing that the American film industry needs to stop “overseas” productions. Obviously, Daley has a Bushonian grasp of geography. Still, I guess we now know why they call Chicago “the windy city.”
National Geographic recently put out its first swimsuit issue. Those who are protesting the publication – someone will always protest! – seem to be missing the point. For the magazine that pioneered photographs of bare breasted native women, swimsuits are actually a step towards modesty.
Surviving members of rock band The Grateful Dead have announced that they will tour this summer, but, out of respect for late leader Jerry Garcia, under the name The Dead. Should Bob Weir pass away before then, they will change the band’s name to The D. Should any of the other members die, the band will be known as The Geezers Who Don’t Have the Sense To Know When the Party Is Over.
Rock band Styx has released its first album of new material in four years. How can you tell the band is long past its cultural expiry date? They advertise that Larry Gowan is now a full member of the band and Billy Bob Thornton is a guest performer on the album as though these are good things.
The Genie Awards Ceremony was televised last night. Hmm… Performers nobody had ever heard of told jokes nobody got and gave awards for films nobody saw at the height of American sweeps week, meaning during an awards ceremony nobody watched. Postmodern culture for a postmodern nation?
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: Liberal MP Pat O’Brien repeatedly claimed that if same sex marriages were legalized in Canada, polygamy would be next. This is known as the “slippery slope” argument. If we accept its logic, O’Brien will next be claiming that we will be sanctioned people have sex with outboard motors. This will be followed by the claim that people will be encouraged to have carnal relations in the streets while washing machines fall out of the sky around them. Trust me, this is one slope no reasonable person will want to ski down.
Well, that’s my opinion, anyway.
And, finally, for those of you who have Googled me, no, I was not a porn star in the 1980s. That was a different Rex Veneer. Next time, please, please narrow the parameters of your search. Thank you.
And, good night.