Two days ago, American President George Junior told Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, “This country ain’t big enough for the both of us. You better leave by, s…uhh, two sundowns from now!” The deadline came and went, so the President went back on TV to give the following message: “It’s war. Bye, now.” With those four words, Operation: Iraqi Freakout – the first war the United States has been in since, err, last year – began.
Good evening. I’m Rex Veneer.
Continuing our round-the-clock coverage of Operation: Iraqi Freakout, we go live to correspondent Chrissie Rainitpours, who is embedded in Tommy Franks’ anus. Chrissie?
“Thanks, Rex. With bombs [CENSORED BY THE MILITARY]. Buildings [CENSORED BY THE MILITARY] and bodies are being [CENSORED BY THE MILITARY]! Oh, the humanity! There’s no word on how long [CENSORED BY THE MILITARY]. There have been civilian [CENSORED BY THE MILITARY], although there is no way of knowing how many [CENSORED BY THE MILITARY] at this time. According to military sources, however many there are, they all died in the mother of all car accidents. [CENSORED BY THE MILITARY]. [CENSORED BY THE MILITARY]. [CENSORED BY THE MILITARY]. From Tommy Franks’ anus, this is Chrissie Rainitpours.”
Thanks, Chrissie, for that informative report.
To prove that he survived the first round of incoming missiles, President Hussein went on Iraqi television and exhorted his people to “go and draw your sword” against the enemy. Either he was speaking metaphorically or he’s been reading Grail legends again.
To help us make sense of what the American military might actually be doing at this very moment in Baghdad, we have General Kelvim Oss, retired, on the line from Washington. General Oss? … Hello, General Oss? Can you – can you hear me in Washington? Hello? … Well, we seem to be having trouble with our feed to Washington, so we’ll have to return to General Oss later in the –
“Hello, Rex?”
General Oss?
“What kin I do fer you?”
Can you give us any idea of what’s happening in Baghdad?
“Bombs are falling, son.”
Yes, sir. And, what can we expect to happen as a result of this?
“I reckon we’ll drop more bombs.”
Yeeeeeees, and, after all the bombs have been dropped – then what?
“Then, every Iraqi will either be dead or have surrendered, and everybody can go home happy.”
Uhh…is it really that simple, General? Isn’t the United States committed to the democratic reconstruction of Iraq after the war?
“Oh, well, that’s a…uhh…political question – I wouldn’t know…”
General Oss, do you think the US has begun deploying its Massive Ordnance Air Blast bombs?
“Well, sir, as they say in the Pentagon, MOAB is my washpot.”
I – I’m sorry, General. I don’t understand.
“The President is a born-again Christian. I’m sure he understands.”
Oh. Ah. General Oss, thank you very much for your help.
“My pleasure, Rex. It’s important for the public to be well-informed in trying times such as these.”
Riiiiiiiiight.
As everybody living outside the American Imaginary knows, Iraq had started destroying its Al Massoud missiles in compliance with directives from United Nations weapons inspectors. This means that the UN, which has been vilified by pro-war commentators, actually helped weaken Iraq’s defenses against the current attack. You think irony is dead? Don’t kid yourself. Irony has bulked up on steroids and is trash-talking other figures of speech in hopes of meeting them in a World Wrestling Entertainment grudge match in Las Vegas.
Before the war, Pope John Paul II made a plea for peace. Unlike the United Nations Security Council, nobody is suggesting that the Pope’s anti-war stance has undermined his authority and made his post irrelevant. Should it? We asked perennial Presidential wannabe Pat Buchanan for his views on the subject. Pat?
“As a loyal American, must support the President. As a good Christian, must support the Pope. Loyal American – President. Loyal Christian – Pope. Loyal American – President. Loyal Christian – Pope. Loyal American – President. Loyal Christian – Pope. Loyal American – President. Loyal Christian – Pope. Loyal American – President. Loyal Christian – Pope. Loyal American – President. Loyal Christian – AAAAARGGGGHHHH!”
Eww! It’s like something out of a Cronenberg film – how’re we gonna get that off the studio walls?
Ahem. An open letter signed by 31 Canadian lawyers says that the war on Iraq is illegal. Canada. Lawyers. With two strikes already against them, don’t be surprised if nobody listens to a word they have to say.
There was no doubt that the United States could easily beat Iraq militarily. It should come as no surprise, then, that, even before the first bomb fell, members of the American elite were already talking about winning the piece. Halliburton Company hopes to get its piece. Fluor Corporation and Prini Corporation are lining up to get their pieces. Boots & Coots International and Wild Well Control want a piece, although the United States hopes their services won’t be needed. AT&T and Raytheon, both of which won contracts after the 1991 Gulf War, are piece experts. No wonder the stock market rises the moment bombing begins: piece is profitable.
And, now, another exciting round of that popular Middle Eastern game: Kick the Kurds! Our players today are Turkey, who wants to send troops into northern Iraq to forestall the possibility of a Kurdish nation developing there – mustn’t give Turkish Kurds any ideas about self-rule – and the United States, which will allow Turkey to have its way as long as it lets American fighter planes fly through its airspace. If this is President George Junior’s vision of post-war Middle East democracy, why not just nuke the Kurds now and put them out of their misery?
A few minutes after Operation: Iraqi Freakout began, Hans Blix submitted his final report on Iraqi weapons to the United Nations. The report was titled: Dead Inspector Walking.
As we come to the end of the first hour of Gulf War, the Sequel, this might be a good time to recap what we’ve learned about Operation: Iraqi Freakout so far…
…
…
…
Okay, well, maybe our coverage of Operation: Iraqi Freakout, hour two will be more informative. I mean, it’s not like you have much choice. You can either watch this or a repeat of a three year old episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Oh, you think anybody’s gonna air original programming while there’s a war on? Go ahead. Check. Really. I’ll wait…
…
…
…
Satisfied? Okay, then. Let’s go live to…Syria, where Deadline News correspondent Clark Kent is standing by to tell us about the contribution Eritrea is making to the war effort. Clark…?