Will he or won’t he? Only his Governor-General knows for sure. Make that: knew, because now we all know. Having achieved heroic stature during the Ontario energy blackout (which mostly meant not making statements coming out in favour of energy blackouts), Premier Ernie Eves has decided to call an election. Finally.
“This is Sunday Reports, with host Wendy Miserly.”
Even before the writ was dropped (the Governor-General was eating greasy chicken when it was handed to her), the Conservative Party began running advertisements calling Liberal leader Dalton McGuinty “a poopiehead.” In response, Liberal MPP George Smitherman gave a detailed slide presentation proving not only that McGuinty was not a poopiehead, but that the universe was actually a billion years older than previous estimates and contained much more dark matter. Observers suggested that this was either an early act of desperation on the part of the Liberals, or else the slides of Smitherman’s child’s science experiment had accidentally gotten into the carrel.
While this type of mudslinging would seem more appropriate to our primate ancestors, it appears to work: in the face of the advertising onslaught, the Liberal lead in Ontario all but evaporated. As Moira McMuffin, summing up the feelings of a lot of voters, put it: “I’m not going to vote for a poopiehead!”
Among the accusations made by the Conservatives against McGuinty is that he is soft on criminals – oh, that’s actually teachers, McGuinty is soft on teachers. Sorry – had a bit of an election flashback there. “If by that, they mean I won’t spend the next four years hitting teachers over the head with a big stick and then take away their right to say, ‘Ouch,’ well, I guess that’s true,” McGuinty responded to the allegation.
How should the Liberals deal with the distortions, innuendoes and outright lies of the Conservative advertising? According to an editorial in The Globe and Mail, the Liberals should join them. “But, everybody already knows Ernie Eves is a Poopiehead,” McGuinty observed. “Saying so would be pretty redundant, don’t you think?” The election is still young, Dalton. Ask us that question again a couple of weeks from now…
One of the planks of the Conservative platform is to give seniors a tax break equal to the amount of money they would be dinged for education, on the theory that most of them are no longer in school. This could set a precedent, with, among other things, healthy people getting a tax break equal to the amount they would be dinged for health care they didn’t use that year, shut-ins getting a tax break equal to the amount they would be dinged for the construction and maintenance of highways they don’t use and, of course, vegetarians getting a tax break equal to the amount they would be dinged for meat inspectors they don’t need.
Another Conservative promise is to let homeowners deduct part of their mortgage interest payments from their provincial income tax, to a maximum of $500 in savings. “That’s ridiculous!” said real estate junkie Marvin Applefish. “That wouldn’t be enough to buy a four bedroom doll’s house!” Not only that, but tax breaks for mortgage payments have been shown to drive up the price of doll’s houses, making it all the more difficult for poor children to get their dolls starter houses. “Is that fair?” Applefish asked, aggressively sucking his thumb.
Is the provincial government intent on developing a per capita deficit higher than that of the United States? Premier Ernie Eves assured voters that, if elected, his government would maintain balanced budgets, and, as for the current $2 billion deficit that appears to be hidden by dubious accounting methods, well, pay no attention to the auditor’s reporter behind the curtain…
On the campaign trail, the Conservatives have been touting their policy of a “fair deal for municipalities,” which appears to be to offload services onto them without giving them the resources to pay for those services, and then to giggle gleefully while watching to see which municipality will go bankrupt first. This shouldn’t be confused with their “fair deal for the homeless,” which involves having police move them out of wealthy neighbourhoods, and has absolutely nothing to do with their “fair deal for protestors,” which involves clubbings and arrests. “The so-called ‘fair deal for municipalities’ does seem to be something of a misnomer,” stated David Crombie, Toronto’s tiny, perfect symbol of past glories, “but, on the up side, at least Ernie Eves hasn’t bothered coming to Toronto to give one of his smug, self-satisfied speeches.” In these dark times, I suppose we take our comforts where we can find them.
So far during the campaign, Premier Eves seems to be getting a lot of his strategy from his Minister for Bashing Ottawa. He started by demanding a say for Ontario in immigration policy, even though it’s a federal jurisdiction (and, oddly enough, the Liberal government has cut immigration deals with other provinces and has been waiting for Ontario’s Conservatives to come to the table on the issue). Then, he said he was against gay marriage, another area of federal jurisdiction. Most recently, he complained about Prime Minister Jean Chretien’s professed ability to walk on water. “Is it fair,” Eves asked, “that Ottawa should keep all of its supernatural powers for itself? Clearly, Ontario is getting a raw deal!” Hmm…could it be that Ernie is running for the wrong office?
A week into the campaign, what does heartland Ontario think? I went to a Burger King in Orillia and spoke to Warren Pracusian, a 42 year-old funeral home filing clerk.
WENDY: Warren, how are you thinking of voting?
WARREN: Well, Esteban Loaiza has better numbers in some categories, but I’ll always have a soft spot for Roy Halladay.
WENDY: I meant in the provincial election.
WARREN: There’s a provincial election?
WENDY: Yeeeees.
WARREN: Oh. Well, I, uhh, I’ve always been a fiscal liberal and conservative when it comes to social policy.
WENDY: So, you’re confused.
WARREN: Is there a cream I can get for that?
For a complete transcript of the interview, go to the NewsWeird Web site. There, you will find a page that says: “IT WAS UTTERLY BORING AND UNINFORMATIVE! GET A LIFE!”
Meanwhile, New Democratic Leader Howard Hughes…no, wait. Hughie Hapless…err, Hammie Hampster – uhh, that would be…Howie Hummer? Well, the, uhh, NDP leader said some stuff about energy security…
For Sunday Reports, this is Wendy Miserly.